It was supposed to be a normal day at work.
I made my coffee and went outside to have my first cigarette. As I enjoyed the morning breeze, my heart started beating uncontrollably.
That was it. This was going to be my last moment on earth. I am about to die, I thought to myself.
Part of me really wanted to let go and just die.
By that time, I was already afraid to eat because I thought I would choke. Before I went to bed I felt this voice in my head telling me that I shouldn't close my eyes because I would never open them again. And I listened to these words. Each night I went to bed with a photo of my family. I wanted them to be the last thing I saw before I closed my eyes because I was afraid that I would never see them again and that I would not have had the opportunity to tell them how much I loved them.
And then I woke up in a hospital bed.
My doctor told me that the nurse had to give me two Valiums to calm me down. He told me that my heart was beating uncontrollably but I was going to be just fine.
You suffered a massive anxiety attack, he said. You need to learn to relax. Do some sports. Stress less. Meditate. You will be fine, he kept saying.
I wanted to believe him.
The reality was that the next six months were a complete nightmare.
I rarely slept. I kept going to the hospital every week. I thought I had cancer. In my head, I was experiencing several heart attacks a day. I was certain that I was dying. I was certain that there was something wrong with me.
My doctor kept telling me that I was fine, that I was not going to die. He didn't understand that I was already experiencing death several times per day. I really wanted it to stop. I honestly thought that if I died at that moment, it would all be over. No more insufferable pain. I was truly ready to die.
And then one day, as I was washing my face after a massive anxiety attack, I looked at myself in the mirror. All I saw was fear. There was no more Kosta. Only fear in its full grace. Fear in total control of my life, my body and mind.
At that exact moment I realized that I had two options. I was either going to change something or I was going to remain a victim for the rest of my life.
It wasn't easy, but I chose the second option. Deep in myself, under all the layers of my fears, I knew that I wasn't meant to be a victim. I knew I was meant to lead a great life.
But how do you battle fear? How do you battle something that is in total control of your life?
It all starts with responsibility.
I was the one that activated Fear in my life. When my life fell apart after the financial crisis in 2009 and my wife lost her job and I lost a big part of my income, instead of seeing the big picture and trying to work out the lesson from the situation, I chose fear. I didn't just choose fear. I held it very close to my heart.
The second thing I had to do was to identify the reason for my anxiety attacks. They were becoming more frequent and painful. I knew that something had to trigger them. They were a result of something? But what? What brought them to my life?
It took some time to get the answer but when I did, it all became clear.
I didn't know how to let go.
I was clinging to my pre-financial crisis life. I was punishing myself for not saving enough money. For not being more careful. Instead of reclaiming my life back, I chose to victimize myself. To punish myself. I kept telling myself that I am worthless. That I am a loser. That I will never ever succeed in life.
My anxiety attacks were the result of my fear of failure. I failed in life and I didn't know how to pick myself up.
I spent the next six months reprogramming my thoughts.
I realized that we hold Fear close to ourselves and by doing so we miss out on the million signs that the Universe sends to show us that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. But to see the light we have to hold happiness by the hand, not Fear.
The truth is that Fear does not improve the situation. If we worry too much, our problems will not disappear, right? On the contrary, when we worry things seem even more complicated, much more complicated than they really are.
At this point, my anxiety attacks were getting worse. I felt Fear was not ready to leave. But I found the cure. The cure was perseverance.
Fear has programmed me to quit if I didn't see immediate results. You know this feeling, right? Most of us work out, go on diets, try to solve our problems, try to change, and we expect the results to come overnight.
They don't.
Some of us will give up immediately after the first challenge. Others will try as hard as they can, but at the end they too will quit. Fear knows how to deal with us but I knew that the more I pushed forward, the closer I was to the fulfillment of my dreams. I kept telling myself that If I am strong enough, and persevere through the hard times, and kept going even though the whole world around me was falling apart, and I just keep going, without stopping, then victory in this battle would be mine.
Lastly, to remain on the road to my new reality the next step was to face up to the discovery that failure is something different to what I thought it was.
Failure doesn't exist. It never did. I never failed. It was an illusion created by my Fear.
My teacher once told me that success is not about winning or losing. It is not about being first, it is not about money, and it is not about achievement. Success actually does not depend on outcomes, on awards, or on recognition.
I asked him, "Then what is success?"
-- Success happens in the moment when we have given it all and we keep on giving it all, no matter what the situation.
He was right.
Because of my incorrect perception of the meaning of success, I continually believed that I was a looser. Because of such manipulation by my Fear, I never gave it all. I just accepted the situation and I quit.
Now I know that failure exists only in the reality of my Fears. As long as I give it all in life, success will always be present in my life.
Today, when a challenge knocks on my door I know that I have two options. I can choose Fear or I can choose happiness. Choosing happiness doesn't mean that things will immediately get better and that everything is going to turn pink. On the contrary, choosing happiness is much more difficult than any other alternative. But knowing that Fear is no longer an option for me I can be certain that every challenge, no matter how hard, will bring me happiness at the end.
What is your experience with fear and anxiety? Would love to hear your stories.
If you want to read more about my struggle with fear and anxiety feel free to read my book -- The Fear: How To Get Your Life Back Just Like I Did.