I know a couple who bought a house in which they were never really happy, in a neighborhood they disliked, all because they were unwilling to keep looking for the house they really wanted. They convinced themselves that the house and neighborhood were 'good enough.' What a shame they settled for second best!
A few months later they saw a house they would have loved in the area they had wanted to live. To make matters worse, it fell well within the same price range as the house they had just bought. If they had waited and kept looking they would not have had to settle for just 'good enough.' They defeated their own goal by not trying to find what would make them happy.
We all know people whose attitude in life is more than a little on the negative side when it comes to getting what they want. They are 'settlers.' Rather than expect the good things in life, they are willing to settle for 'good enough' in places to live, careers, cars and even relationships. They give up too easily and never really get what they do want.
'Good enough' and happiness are not a good mix.
Surprisingly getting the best for yourself doesn't have a lot to do with how much money you spend. In fact it has everything to do with self-love and the knowledge that you deserve having the best you can get. Knowing that you are worth having what will make you happier is not selfish; it is simply common sense. To get the best only means that you have to be determined to follow your heart and counsel and not simply settle for less.
What you are actually doing by settling for good enough is giving yourself permission to take only second-best in every area of your life from spouses to careers. Sometimes it comes down to lack of self worth; you feel, erroneously, that you don't deserve anything better. You have a relationship with someone even though that person is not good for you. You see the partnership as good enough because you feel unworthy of having anything better.
At other times your own indecisiveness (or laziness) about goals allows other people, family and friends, to influence your choices.
A good example of allowing others to influence you is in the choice of career. Did you settle for one that you really didn't want because that is what you were advised to do by friends or relatives? Sometimes those who 'have your best interests at heart' are the ones who influence you to settle for what you don't want. If you wanted to have a career that brought in less money but gave you great personal fulfillment and satisfaction and were persuaded to go into one 'where the money was' you have settled for good enough. You have not satisfied your own needs because you settled for second best.
Maureen Dowd, Op-Ed columnist for the New York Times and winner of the 1999 Pulitzer Prize for distinguished commentary, describes succinctly what happens when you allow yourself to accept 'good enough' and settle for second best in your life choices. She says:
The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.
Excellent comment and one that you should remember every time you think good enough is an acceptable alternative. Be satisfied to satisfy yourself and never settle for anything that is only 'good enough'.
copyright 2010 Kristen Houghton
And Then I'll Be Happy! Look Inside the Book
To read more from Kristen Houghton, peruse her articles at Kristen Houghton.com and visit her Keys to Happiness blog.
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If you avoid "settling" you will always be striving for the next best thing rather than simply being satisfied with circumstances as they are, which would be characterized as settling. Too many people have inflated expectations of life, careers, spouses, etc. due to unreal representations of life on TV or in advertisements. "Happiness" as we have been taught involves coca cola, brand name big screens, McDonald's and the list goes on. Quite convenient and intended for those companies...yet disastrous for society. Not "settling" merely perpetuates this unhealthy mindset.
Have no expectations and you are usually pleasantly surprised and rarely disappointed.
I don't agree with this at all. The problem today is nobody is happy with anything so they bully at work and school to get what they want. Unfortunately, the more they "get" the more they "want" and it's a vicous cycle.
How do you know what you deserve? Does someone who cheated and lied to get what they 'deserve' deserve it??? Because if they have to 'settle,' then they're NOT happy? That's life. Deal with it. Life is not about getting what you want. What a concept.
After 20 years, he finally left for a high school teaching position which pays him a lot less but has a shorter commute and gives him work-related satisfaction.
That is getting what you want and not in a financial way.
"Then I'll be happy."
I'll bet the couple you describe would be miserable in the other house and the other neighborhood, too.
Still, I do get what you mean. I do know people who married the person they did because "I'd never get anyone better (or anyone at all.)
But with the house example, eh, didn't quite fit, but you are correct that people often choose an environment that's not their best fit.
Perhaps your article shouldn't have been about "settling," but more:
"To thine own self be true -- whenever possible. (And when that can't happen, make the best of it and keep working toward what suits you, enjoying the journey along the way.)"
Wow. Guess that title wouldn't work well on a book jacket or movie marquee. Maybe you'll have to settle for:
"Go for it! (And if you don't get it, deal with it!)
:-)
When it comes to intangibles like "happiness" or "a satisfying relationship", these things are difficult to manifest no matter how deserving one may feel.
Sometimes -- and, I would insist, more often than not -- "good enough" is, well, good enough and we would do well to to be satisfied with it. Certainly happier, despite your argument otherwise
Just look at the explosion of gadgetry and ask yourself how many people you know or have seen who dump what was state-of-the-art two months ago for the latest attachment of bells and whistles that go on sale this weekend. I can promise that most of them will be back in a few months for the newest models. What they have simply won't be "good enough" by then. That type of mind-set is close to being an addiction; the craving for something better, for the "best," becomes insatiable.
I may think I deserve a BMW or Prius, but I have to be -- and am -- content with what I have. It gets me where I want to go. I'm happy with it.
Life is. Shit happens. So do GOODNESS. I love it ALL. Sometimes things turn out the way I want. Sometimes they don't. I always do the best I can. I always make happiness my primary intention. I am always as Loving as I can choose to be where I stand.
Yet, I can't agree with the message. In reality we often don't get what we deserve. There are circumstances that are simply out of an individuals control. If you associate your self-worth with getting what you want, you are setting yourself up for failure. It would be far more beneficial to understand that, even if you don't get what you want, you are not any less for it. To be happy with yourself regardless of the machinations of circumstance.
I am now in a wonderful loving relationship, and I'm here because I turned off all my expectations and accepted what I have and love her for who she is, not what I think she is supposed to be.
Contentment is not the problem, but the key to happiness. This is because happiness is developed from within, and has nothing to do with your house or car. This is a link to a brief article by the Dalai Lama on developing true happiness through compassion: http://www.dalailama.com/messages/compassion.
A brief quote from that article: "The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater our own sense of well-being becomes. Cultivating a close, warm-hearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. This helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter. It is the ultimate source of success in life."
I commend those who have the opportunity to really have a choice as to where they want to live and if that is what gives them happiness, more power to them. I would hope, however, that more happiness is found in less material forms.
I agree that happiness is not always found in material forms. What makes an individual happy is very personal.
...for every 'better home' story out there, there is a "no better home" story...
...and for every 'better home" you may possibly find, isn't there an even better one hiding somewhere else? When do you stop looking?
...at some point, and empirical testing bears this out, we don't act so as to maximize our happiness, we act so as to satisfy our desires....
Don't be so easily satisfied you may say, well don't be so easily discontented I reply.
Every decision we make in life can be seen through the lens of 'when is the "best" out of reach', and 'when is the "good" not good enough?' When we learn how to deal with this question, we are practicing wisdom.
I bought my home in foreclosure because it was the best I could afford.
This article sounds like it is for the very rich or those with very little financial issues.