At a recent workshop I presented on Financial Equality in Marriage, a question about alimony came up. It began an energetic discussion between the various age groups attending. Women and men in their twenties and thirties felt that alimony was a thing of the past, an antiquated legality that no longer made sense. Those older, and some in second marriages, disagreed. They felt that alimony did still have its place in divorce proceedings and was created to aid ex-spouses, mostly women, who had no personal income or a very low income. Finally someone asked me, "What's your take on alimony? I just made a bet with my husband on your answer."
Oh the pressure! Here's hoping my answer wins you the bet!
Alimony and child support is a two-way street but with a lot of twists and turns along the way. It is an imperfect system but it is the only one we have in place right now. As with any law, there is always room for improvement and revision and many family court justices are helping to make some necessary changes by reinterpreting the basic laws regarding alimony as a "male only" burden. In the past, it was assumed that when there was a separation or divorce, the man would support his former wife by paying alimony. If children were involved, he was also obligated to pay child support, which was a separate issue.
The paying of alimony can be traced as far back as the Babylonian Code of Hammurabi. The term alimony comes from the Latin word alimōnia which meant nourishment and sustenance. It was created to assure the wife's (or "discarded" wife), lodging, food, clothing, and other necessities after divorce.
Alimony has an interesting history, one that was basically a somewhat derogatory assistance for women who were seen as the "weaker sex." The law in the United States is based on the laws found in Ecclesiastical Courts in England. Since the husband was the sole owner of all marital property, and the wife depended upon him to provide for her sustenance, the English Ecclesiastical courts consistently ruled that the husband had the duty to provide for the wife after divorce as well. Otherwise she would become, "a burden of the people." Heaven forbid there should be any burdensome women around!
While a woman is no longer considered to be a lesser partner in a marriage, and marital property after divorce is divided equally, there is still a strong feeling that a man owes an obligation to his former wife in a financial sense. This is being debated in family courts. There are people who try to cheat the system and that makes it bad for everyone involved.
Today, with women as well as men working outside the home, the idea that anyone with a well-paying job needs to receive extra income simply because they were once married is antiquated and ludicrous. If both partners are able to support themselves, additional money from a former spouse, barring child support, is unnecessary and punishing. However, there are exceptions as to when paying alimony to a former spouse is necessary.
No one should have to come out of the marriage losing financially. If one partner is more financially secure than the other, a form of alimony should be paid on a sliding scale. This goes for women paying alimony as well as men.
If a child is under school-age, and the mother or the father needs to be a stay-at-home parent, alimony is a fair accommodation until that parent is able to begin working outside the home.
The support of a child should be the responsibility of both parents. If one makes considerably more than the other, the division of support should show it. Instead of a 50/50 support contract it may well be 75/50 or whatever is fair. A woman making three times more a year than her ex-husband is capable of giving more money to support the child. Fair is fair.
Alimony should be an equal opportunity responsibility. While the majority of alimony recipients are still women who are stay-at-home mothers and men are the ones who pay it, the system is changing and rightly so. Gone are the days when a healthy woman, capable of working, was supported for life simply because of the Mrs. in front of her name. And the same goes for any healthy man.
In the purest sense of the law, alimony was always meant to help and protect a former spouse who was incapable of taking care of herself/himself financially. Child support is a necessary obligation of parenting. Neither was meant to be abused or used as a form of punishment during divorce proceedings. The relationship reality here is that alimony, in spite of everything else that may be negative about divorce, should be the one part that is fair and just to both parties. No one should be the winner or the loser.
© 2012 copyright Kristen Houghton
"And Then I'll Be Happy! Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness and Put Your Own Life First" ranked in the top 100 books by Tower Books.com
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Kristen Houghton is the author of the hilarious new book, No Woman Diets Alone - There's Always a Man Behind Her Eating a Doughnut in the top 10 hot new releases at Amazon available now on Kindle, Nook, and all e-book venues.
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The fact is marriage will NEVER work with the current imbalance of power that exist today. No one likes to talk about it but it's clear; feminists lower men into these dead end marriages with great meals, awesome sex etc.
Then his little "honey bunny" shifts gears once she feels SAFE. I've heard this story from men all too often. Now all of a sudden the things she did to dupe the poor S0B into the marriage make her less of a woman.
Now the kids SHE wanted become a favor she did for him. It's funny how that favor ends up leaving with the feminists once the smoke clears.
Even mothers today are afraid of what may happen to their sons in marriage. They've heard their divorced colleagues brag about cleaning a man out and making him PAY.
Unless your idea of a good time is paying an ex who's new bad boy boyfriend is fathering your kids and sleeping in your house, do not get married.
Mental issues with women are on the rise and feminists feel lost more than ever. Divorcing men daily in order to "find themselves."
Marriage is an easy way for divorced feminists to receive a monthly pay check, car, and house as they search for this non-existent Utopia.
I wanted to yell, "Get a job, and work," to his lazy ex.
And thus endeth the article.
"If the marriage is dissolved, will you seek alimony/maintenance."
If you check "yes" your soon-to-be spouse is put on notice.
If you check "no" then you are on notice that if you divorce you will have to support yourself. You need to maintain your career, earning power, etc. accordingly.
Men pay 97% of all alimony. Source: 2010 US Census.
They're entitled to it even if they abuse the kids, wreck the house and torment the husband. That's a stupid law - we call it e-n-t-i-t-l-e-m-e-n-t.
But YOU chose this life. It was not thrust on you like some women in Saudi Arabia. You chose it and instead of accepting the consequences-you want the success of your ex's choice too. Then you wonder why many men and many successful women are seeking change to this rigged system. You want the choice-but not the responsibility.
I remember my divorce lawyer telling me that the judge isn't going to let one person be poor while the other benefits. Very hard for me to sit and listen to what the children and my life would look like because former husband chose to be unfaithful and walk away from all of us. It was a punch in the gut and I was scared to death. I was awarded alimony (called 'spousal maintenance' in my state) during separation and for a few months after the divorce was final. Married for 25 years. I was given the house (mortgage) and all the bills and upkeep that came with that that the two of us did together for years .. and the 3 children became my primary responsibility. The few hundred dollars a month in maintenance didn't even make a dent on the financial mess I was in after the divorce.
It has taken me almost 3 years to get to a place where I can get to the end of the month and not be in the negative. This month two of our children turned 18. I have secured a second job to make up for the child support that ceases and help pay for college.
That reality never seems to get mentioned in the women's sob stories about alimony.
The sense of female entitlement is so vast and limitless, it is awe-inspiring.
1. Length of Marriage
2. Causes of the breakdown of the marriage
3. Age
4. Health
5. Occupations
6. Amount and Source of income
7. Vocational Skills
8. Employability
9. Future possibilities for inheritances
10. Future possibilities for income and assets
11. Ability of spouse to pay
Create an Alimony Wish List by using the template provided in The pomPOMS Divorce Workbook
which includes questions regarding Spousal Support, Health Insurance & Life Insurance, etc available at http://www.divorcewithpompoms.com
So nice of you to remember at the last minute to put "Ability of spouse to pay" as the least important factor. I'm guessing you made a top ten list and then your editor pointed that one out.
A spouse( male or female) who has stayed at home to raise children and re-enters the work force post divorce. Alternatively a spouse who has put aside their career ,either with a lower paying job or none at all,in the service of their spouses career should be compensated.
This redistribution is no different than the division of assets; all factors in the determination of each spouses relative contribution to the marriage ( in equitable distribution states )are weighed and allocated.
Women's wisdom, women's advice.....from DivorceGuidanceforWomen.com.