During a fortieth birthday celebration at a favorite restaurant, the honoree, Rob, made an announcement to all of us. After almost a year since his divorce, he was ready to start dating again. We were thrilled by the news because he is a great guy, good-looking and smart, with a lot to offer. Everyone began to think of single women we knew who might be interested in meeting this terrific guy.
David, one of the men at our table, saw a female colleague across the room and excused himself to go say hello. When he came back to our table, he gestured in the woman's direction and said that perhaps Rob might be interested in meeting her.
"Lindsey is fantastic. She's traveled around the world twice, knows her way around Rome as easily as she does New York City, and she's in the middle of changing careers from teaching to law. You two might have a lot in common. She's..."
"Fat. I don't date fat girls," Rob said abruptly.
Everyone was silent, discreetly sneaking peeks at the "fat" woman across the room. Several women at the table told Rob point blank that he was an idiot. David agreed with the women. A couple of men just shook their heads at Rob's comment. I said nothing and my husband squeezed my knee under the table. He knew what I was thinking: I once was the fat girl.
There was a time when I was thirty pounds heavier than I am now, but no one at our table knew me when I was "fat." I don't exactly go out of my way to tell people this little bit of information. I don't say:
"Hello, I'm so happy to meet you and, oh, by the way, did you know that I once had thirty extra pounds of fat on my body?"
It's not because I'm ashamed of it; having extra weight is not on par with having robbed a bank. It's definitely not a crime in my book. No, I don't tell people because it's just not that important to me anymore. But, there was a time when it was important, very important. I spent some prime dating years as a "fat" girl and it was not fun.
I am one of those people who have had to fight weight all their lives. I can't indulge on a daily basis; I limit certain foods that I know, damn well, will make the pounds creep up on me. I exercise and make sure that the food I do eat is nutritious and good without empty calories. (Oh, those delicious empty calories!!) But I will treat myself if I really want something.
I met my husband after I reached the "thin mode" of my life, but he has seen pictures of me from my heavier days. He was surprised, but good guy that he is, said that I looked "attractive, just in a different sort of way." Yes, okay.
Still, I wonder if he would have given me a glance back in college. Popular and athletically lean as he was, I seriously doubt he would have asked me for a date. He denies this, of course, but I still don't think my "great personality" would have been enough to overcome the impression those extra pounds made.
Dating back in college was a horror for an overweight girl. Guys chose the skinny girls over the fuller-figured ones any day, and getting a date for an event became a nightmare. Never mind that I was on the Dean's List, never mind that I was the editor of my college newspaper or that I was a published poet, never mind that people complimented my taste in clothes or that I always had a smile on my face. Forget that I made sure I was always up-to-date on the news so that I could converse on just about any topic. None of that mattered on date night.
The same young men who asked for my help in Composition and Rhetoric or Advanced Statistics didn't know I existed when they were looking for someone to ask out for Friday night. They gave me a casual "Hi" as they passed me by on campus or in town on a weekend evening. They were looking for a hot date and I didn't qualify.
To make matters worse, my female friends were all thin girls. One girl in my dorm who was slender and gorgeous had allergies to many different foods, so she had very little choice in what she could eat. I started wishing I had allergies. This poor girl literally couldn't eat, and I envied her.
It seems ridiculous to me now that I also envied one particular friend who could binge and purge at will. But sticking my finger down my throat after eating was something that I just couldn't do. (I thought about it briefly, but I just couldn't do it.)
I even envied my reed thin, always sick, constantly constipated cousin, who had no problem getting a date whenever she chose. I was lucky enough to be healthy, and I was jealous of these people because boys wanted to be with them.
Because I didn't look like the other college girls, because although I knew I was a fun person, no one seemed to want me, my weight had a major effect on how I felt about myself.
The more upset I became about my body, the less care I took of my appearance. I pulled my hair back into a severe ponytail and wore no make-up. I started leaving my pretty clothes in the closet and took to wearing sweats and any baggy top I could find. No one was going to ask me out anyway, I reasoned, so why even try? And the more I despised my body, the more I punished it by eating.
Then a miracle appeared in the form of a young, new professor. She was not stick-thin, but she certainly wasn't "fat." She didn't appear to be unhappy with her body, and she dressed magnificently, accenting her curves and wearing colors I had always been told would not look good on anyone who wasn't "slender." On her they looked great.
Professor Hamilton was an active woman who loved dancing and playing tennis and had a tremendous amount of confidence. That impressed me as much as her popularity with faculty and students. I was in awe of her and admired her tremendously. Being in her class, hearing her talk about her life, her husband, the fun things they did, was like therapy for me. She reminded me that life could actually be enjoyable.
Tired of feeling down about my body image, I began to emulate her. With effort and determination, I began playing tennis, albeit in sloppy sweats. In three months, though, my activity caused me to drop 13 pounds, and I was able to wear a pair of shorts on the court. Sitting alone in my dorm room became something I did only when I wanted absolute quiet to study.
After nine months I had lost a total of 27 pounds and celebrated by going out shopping for a new spring wardrobe. I hadn't deliberately set out to lose weight, but because I decided to use and enjoy my body, the pounds came off. I wasn't skinny, but I looked damn good. I liked the "new" me, and it showed. Others started seeking my company.
My anorexic friend complimented me on my "great new figure." And the men who once saw me as "just a study-buddy" now saw me as potential dating material. Even though I was secretly annoyed that I had to lose weight in order for them to notice me, I did go out on dates simply because I wanted to enjoy all of college life, including the dating experience.
At the baccalaureate breakfast the day before graduation, I went up to Professor Hamilton and told her what an impact she had made on my life, the way I thought about myself, and my weight.
She looked at me and asked if I felt healthy and happy. When I said yes, she said that was all that mattered. She also said:
Just remember that weight is subjective. One person's idea of overweight is another's person's idea of just right. You decide what is good for you. I've always been happy with my body and never wanted to weigh a number that I have to constantly struggle to maintain. Life is for enjoying. I'm happy with me. No one should set rules for how I should feel.
I never forgot that bit of advice. That's one of the reasons I won't starve myself. I like where I am, and I like me. If the charts say that I should weigh less, and I know that I would have to severely limit my food intake to get there and to maintain it, then that number is not for me. At my current weight I can indulge occasionally if I want. I never again want to be thirty pounds heavier, and I know I won't. But I don't want to be fifteen pounds thinner than I am now, either.
I was pulled out of my own head when the "fat" woman, Lindsay, approached our table to say good-night to her colleague. As introductions were made I found myself face to face with a confident, attractive woman. She was fuller than some women maybe, but thinner than others -- definitely not fat.
David asked her to stay at our table for dessert and coffee, and we wound up the evening enjoying her company immensely. She was charming as she told us hilarious stories of her travels, her law school classes and her job as a teacher. Any person would want to have her as a friend. And unsurprisingly, men are attracted to her, too.
As we got up to leave I saw Lindsay nod assent as one of the guys from our table asked her to share a taxi with him. I looked at Rob. He had been quiet and aloof when Lindsay first came to the table, but later I had seen him having a good time laughing and joking with us. He was actually flirting with her! Maybe she wasn't Rob's type initially, but that was his problem and, seeing the expression on his face when he saw her leave with someone else, his loss. If he can't see beyond what his imagined perfect woman is, then he will miss out on a being with a lot of interesting, successful people.
No one is attractive to everyone, something I wish I'd realized back when I was loathing my body so much. I'm glad I lost weight, but I'm glad because it happened when I decided not to let how I felt about my body keep me from enjoying my life. Just like Professor Hamilton, Lindsay clearly enjoys who she is as she is right now, and other people are drawn to that. If you're happy and feel healthy at your weight, then there is no reason to try to meet what you've decided others see as the standard. Let the "Robs" of the world take note: Attractiveness comes in all sizes.
© 2011 Copyright Kristen Houghton
Kristen Houghton is the author of the hilarious new book, No Woman Diets Alone - There's Always a Man Behind Her Eating a Doughnut available now on Kindle, Nook, and all e-book venues.
To read more from Kristen Houghton, peruse her articles at KristenHoughton.com You may email her at kch@kristenhoughton.com. She is also the author of "And Then I'll Be Happy! Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness and Put Your Own Life First" ranked in the top 100 books by Tower Books.com
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Sue Thomason: Is This the Death of the Diet Industry?
No matter how stellar the personality, no matter the intellect, the wisdom, the humor... I am 100% not attracted to overweight women. The things I find physically attractive in women CAN'T exist on an overweight woman. Why is that so "shallow" and horrific, when there are millions out there would would NEVER date someone of another religion, or race? (Worse, in my view.)
I'm not punishing women for weight. I'm not cruel, so I don't use a double standard. I've not dated for 14 years- it's unfair to be overweight and expect a fit woman. At this point, I've reached the cut-off age- I've likely be alone for life (another one of my *preferences*, I desire younger women. Due to stereotypes? No. Because I have nothing in common, and nothing to offer, women around my age).
It's no crime to admit your attractions, and it's not shallow- no one is perfect. Everyone has their own biases and turn offs, types they'd NEVER date or sleep with... anyone stating otherwise is a hypocrite, and lying.
1) It is literally stated that attractiveness comes in all sizes, yet the ‘thin’ women are described as allergic to food, bulimic, and always sick/constipated.The tone towards them is very negative, and apparently there were no women who were thin and/or fit simply because they watched what they ate and exercised.
2) As I pointed out, a major point is that dating is supposedly awful for overweight women, but she wanted the ‘popular, lean, athletic’ guy. Which leads to...
3) The author laments that being on the Dean’s List, etc. meant nothing in dating. But did she pursue the guys who had similar qualities? Doesn't sound like it. She strongly implies that the guys who asked for her help in class were the ones she wanted to ask her out, not the best students. Considering her husband was the ‘popular, lean athletic’ guy, it’s not a stretch to surmise that she helped the lesser students out, the guys who were more interested in partying/sports, hoping they would ask her out. Also, there is no mention regarding the author considering overweight men in dating, only superficialities re her husband.
Conclusion: It’s not about overweight women not getting dates, it’s about them not getting asked out by the 'hottest' guys. Rob was rude, but the real problem was with his preference.
but to say that e v e r y guy likes chubby girls is a simple generalization.
it's like saying every guy likes big boobs, which is not really true.
i am a woman and i know lots of women. and they are usually way more critical, choosy, demanding, and picky than men.
how many of you women would say you date fat men??? come on.
i am also an overweight woman. always have been. but i have attracted plenty of men in my life, and enough "good-looking" ones to know it isn't all about my weight.
i am not married, or dating, because ***i*** am the picky one, not because i am overweight and cant get a date.
it seems to me that the article is trying to establish that if you are a person who only defines herself by her weight, then that is the real problem. and, apparently, there are too many women on here that do if they would take such a comment so personally.
i did not read that he stated no one should date fat girls, i did not read that at all. you are choosing to read something that isn't there and choosing to perceive it as a direct insult.
"i" am not attracted to men with pot bellies, and "i" would state that as a personal preference. however, that would not preclude YOU from dating a man with a huge belly, if that is what you wish. there is no way i would say that they aren't desirable to some women, or that they don't deserve to have a relationship. it is strictly "my" preference. nothing more, nothing less.
it is not a judgement, nor is it cruel to have preferences. and you can't get away from the fact that most of us have at least some superficial preferences.
if he had said, "i don't date ugly/stupid/silly/short/tall women" what would the difference be?
I've dealt with this my entire life. I come from a family of people who eat very badly. But it's part of our culture: soul food. I've always had a fast metabolism and got told things like I should eat more, I was too thin, etc etc...wait...what? I eat the standard amount of meals a day and I stop when I feel full...why should I gorge myself?
I find people of all body types attractive (as an artist aesthetics to me are really about a package, characteristics and features) but I found myself feeling really sh*tty when dating "overweight" girls (I can't even say that without quotations anymore but you all can call us "reed thin" or "skinny"...wtf?) when they made comments about how they could "break" me, and some of the age old standbys to shame people who are thin.
Why the double standard? Why are we paying for exercise, diets, or genes? Is it karma, reparation, remuneration? Is it now considered P.C. to insult people who are thin (note: I said "thin"--not "skinny") even backhandedly, while being so freaking tender to anyone who isn't of the "mainstream bodytype"? Hasn't anyone noticed that *that's* -not- the mainstream body type anymore?
I get what you are saying and what others are. Part of attraction also is inherent. NO one says people have to be attracted to any one body type and in my perfect world, it's about tolerance and acceptance of body diversity.
However, it is more socially accepted to be thin. When you've experienced life, for most people as someone who's been morbidly obese, I see this in the weight surgery realm, people want to be called a skinny bitch and they don't realize people who are thin,sometimes it's genetics, sometimes it's because of being mindful of diet and exercise and sometimes it's due to body dysmorphic/eating disordered mindset and that people who are thin experience prejudice, too. I get it and it's NOT right.
Take a long look in the mirror.
Blogs like this do not help those who are of weight and get bashed because people have an issue with aesthetics of adipose. Demonizing fat doesn't help people who resort to bulemia and are dying of anorexia. I've lost half my weight regain but even at my heaviest after my wls was severely malnourished, had major digestive issues, neurological problems as well as other issues that I'll have for the rest of my life.
I throw up still all the time,complications,I workout, I am still overweight, 10 sizes bigger then my smallest, 10 sizes smaller then my heaviest at a size 14, currently,Fat and thin bashing need to stop once and for all and when we as society should be evolved enough by now to embrace body diversity and if you can't embrace it become apathetic ...
It's just a whole different ball game when one's reality is they are fat in today's society, constantly bullied and shamed, and people just take issue with it, because it effects their sense of aesthetics. If there wasn't a word quota, in HuffPo, I would've been easier for me to make it clearer that I wasn't angry with you, per se, but angry in the respect that people make assumptions based upon what they see not having any idea whatsoever, just by looking at someone, alone, of what they do to positively or negatively effect their health and sometimes people no matter how much they try, have health issues as a result of trying to be thin at any cost, or they are of weight and they are healthy. It wasn't personal. Thank you for responding back...
1. Now, this guy is entitled to his physical preferences, just as I am entitled to mine.
2. I would note, though, that the two best relationships of my life began when I gave men who were "not my type" one date out of curiosity and discovered two great human beings...