My family has been formed in many ways. My first child was adopted from the foster-care system as an infant. My second two children came the old-fashioned way. My last child was adopted at nearly 4 years old from an orphanage in Haiti. I've been blessed to experience the beauty of childbirth, as well as the joy of meeting an adopted child for the first time. Each experience was equally emotional and life-changing. However, the experience of adopting has given me a unique perspective on motherhood, teaching me some new truths, and reinforcing what I believe to be true about parenting.
Blood does not determine a family.
Probably the most common concern I hear from people who are considering adoption is whether or not they will be able to love a child that isn't "their own". I can tell you, though, that the moment my first son was placed in my arms, he was very much my own. My love for my children is not dependent on our biological connection. Adoptive families, step-parents, and blended families know well that family bonds transcend biology, and that family connections can be formed in many ways.
Those nurturing things we do for our babies in their first year of life? They matter.
I've had the experience of adopting a baby, and also adopting a child who spent his early years in an orphanage setting. While I've always believed that the nurturing, bonding behaviors that we do with babies are important, it becomes even more apparent when you observe how the lack of this nurture effects a child. Research shows that things like touch, eye contact, and attention not only infuse a child with self-worth, but they even effect the way the brain and nervous system develop. When you love an infant, you are impacting their development in profound ways. When a child is deprived of that nurture, the impact can be life-altering.
When you adopt transracially, you do not become the parents of a minority child. You become an interracial family.
Adopting transracially effects the entire family unit, and this means that the whole family must adjust to make sure that a child of another race grows up with a sense of belonging. Adoptive parents must open their eyes to racism, instead of burying their head in the convenient sand of a mythical post-racial world.
Raising a child of another race requires humility and a willingness to seek help.
Race isn't something I think about in our day-to-day routine. By and large, parenting my boys is no different than parenting my girls. I still have the same hopes, dreams, fears, and insecurities as a mom . . . I'm still largely concerned with the day-to-day minutiae that every mom of every race is concerned with. How are they doing in school? How are they doing socially? Are they kind and compassionate? However, this is what I know to be true about raising black boys: it will be imperative for me to teach them that some will look at them with suspicion or stereotype based on their skin color. I HATE THIS. I hate that it's true and I hate that I have to burst their innocence and I hate that it may shift their view of the world. But it's a part of our role as their parents, and we can't do it alone. I don't share that experience, and so I have to enlist other people to help guide them in this. It's why it's so important to us that our boys have strong black role models. This is why I subscribe to blogs like The Root and My Brown Baby and continually attempt to learn.
You can save a child once. After that, it's called parenting.
Adoptive parenting is not a noble pursuit, and I squirm a little any time I hear people perpetuating the narrative that adoptive parents are saviors. While it's certainly true that adoption can save a child from a life of living in an orphanage, adopted children should not be required to bestow special gratitude to their parents. Adoptive parents are regular, imperfect people. Adoptees have the same rights as biological children to be resentful, annoyed, or ungrateful towards their parents, without being reminded that they've been "saved" by their parents.
Personality is determined by DNA. Character is determined by nurture.
When we decided to adopt, we have a few friends with disturbing concerns about how we "didn't know what we were going to get". I would say that this is true for anyone who decides to become a parent. I've observed that all four of my children were born with distinct personalities that seemed to transcend the fact that they've each been raised in the same household. It's been a joy to see how each child's personality develops. All parents would do well to give their kids the freedom to be who they are. However, I do believe that character is shaped by parenting. So while I may not have much influence in regards to how extroverted my kids are, I do believe that I can shape them to be kind, compassionate, and confident individuals.
Every child deserves the love of a family.
Most of us know this intuitively, but as an adoptive parent I've spent time in orphanages and seen the difference that living in a family can make. While it's wonderful that there are settings that can provide an at-risk child with food, clothing, and shelter, I firmly believe that it's in each child's best interest to have a loving parent whose goal is to provide the love and attention that only a family can afford.
Read more by Kristen Howerton at Rage Against The Minivan.
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Craig S. Keener: Learning the Reality of Racism
I can't find any data on trans-racially adopted children but I wonder if abuse is also higher in those families.
Family violence, 2007: Victimization rate by victim-offender relationship, by type of crime and selected victim characteristics (Rate per 1,000 persons age 12 and over):
Crimes of violence by Relatives:
White only - 2.2
Black only - 2.1
Two or more races - 11.5 (5.2 times the white rate and 5.5 times the black rate)
Crimes of violence by well-known persons:
White only - 4.7
Black only - 5.5
Two or more races - 20.4 (4.3 times the white rate and 3.7 times the black rate)
Crimes of violence by Strangers:
White only - 8
Black only - 10
Two or more races - 25.8 (3.2 times the white rate and 2.6 times the black rate)
From csv0735:
http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/sheets/cvsprshts.cfm
"When it comes to engaging in risky/anti-social adolescent behavior, however, mixed race adolescents are stark outliers compared to both blacks and whites. We argue that these behavioral patterns are most consistent with the “marginal man” hypothesis, which we formalize as a two-sector Roy model. Mixed race adolescents – not having a natural peer group – need to engage in more risky behaviors to be accepted.
[...]
We analyze twenty-one variables designed to capture a student’s risky/anti-social behavior in and out of school. The in-school behavior variables include: trouble with teachers, trouble paying attention, trouble with homework, trouble with students, effort on schoolwork, skipping school, and never suspended or expelled. The variables designed to measure behavior out of school include: watch TV, drink, smoke, dare, lie to parents, fight, property damage, steal, violent acts, sell drugs, encounter violence, ever sex, ever STD, and ever illegal drugs.
[...]
Strikingly, on fifteen out of the twentyone variables relating to bad behavior mixed race adolescents exhibit worse behavior than both of their single race counterparts."
The Plight of Mixed Race Adolescents:
http://mba.yale.edu/faculty/pdf/kahn_mixed_race.pdf
Bravo!
Our daughter didn't adopt us until roughly a year and after her adoption. She struggled with what love is and how infinite love really can be. She also struggled with the guilt of loving us and being angry at her birth mother. Three years later, we're still bonding as a family, growing as a family and becoming a much stronger family in the process. The love was instant for us but the bonding has taken time. Like we tell our daughter, we have all the time in the world.
Also, your statement about "saving" adopted children. It also makes my skin crawl when well-meaning people say this. I'm grateful to my parents because they love me, care for me, and still continue to build a relationship with me. They have seen me at my best and my worst and still think I'm amazing. (I'm ambivalent about adoption as it has left some severe emotional issues in its wake. Although I don't blame them for my issues, that can't be an easy thing for them.)
Finally, I would like to encourage you to continue to keep an open mind about the race issue. I'm half Latin American, and look white enough to pass for Italian. That said, some well-informed racists have called me out over the years. The first few times it came as a complete shock.
It sounds like you're doing a good job. I don't say that lightly.
I would like to offer, however, that MANY parents (mothers, I think, in-particular) who adopt do NOT feel an immediate attachment or bond to their adoptive children. I did not. We adopted two of our children from Ethiopia almost three years ago when they were nearly 5 & 6 years old. I never considered that I might not feel an instant "mommy" bond to them and when attachment didn't happen immediately (or even weeks or months later) I was shaken to my core. Since that time, attachment has and continues to form, but I find it an ultra-marathon - not the 50 yard dash.
Do I think, then, as some argue, that we shouldn't have adopted? NO!! I've recognized a love more powerful than emotions, for parenting ALL my children - whether adopted or not.
I could go on here, but I'll spare you : ) I only share this point on attachment to offer another perspective and encourage adoptive parents who may feel discouragement or guilt over not instantly attaching. I especially appreciated your point on adoptive parents being "saviors". Yuck. I hate when people put us on that pedestal or point out to our children how lucky they are to have such a "wonderful" family.
Thanks for your reply beccaeliasen!
"While I've always believed that the nurturing, bonding behaviors that we do with babies are important, it becomes even more apparent when you observe how the lack of this nurture effects a child. Research shows that things like touch, eye contact, and attention not only infuse a child with self-worth, but they even effect the way the brain and nervous system develop. When you love an infant, you are impacting their development in profound ways. When a child is deprived of that nurture, the impact can be life-altering."
Gold for me to hear, where I stand...
Happy mothers day Kristen. :)
"Don't know where you came up with the nonsense about mom's being uncomfortable with adopted kids...."
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I am 'speaking' out of experience here, Jennifer! Women do a lot of the heavy-lifting when you've got a traditional family....no doubt about it. However, she ends up treating the adopted child as an outsider. There is nothing wrong with it -- it's a biological impulse.
That's my concern about adoption. If you wouldn't be able to treat those kids as well as you take care of your biological kids, there is no point in adopting them.
Yes laws need to be change. But don't ever ever say that adoptive parents (from a century ago in my case) can't love their adoptive kids as much
I'm going to mail this link to my in-laws. They've been making a lot of comments about my adoption lately since my son was born and a lot of the comments have been quite ignorant (questioning how I know what my hertiage is, for example). I believe to really understand what it's like you must have either adopted a child or been an adopted child yourself.
While I commend you on adopting kids from different backgrounds, the fact that you feel the urge to write about adopting and all those "transracial, interracial, etc" words that you are using are unfortunately indicating that you are not thoroughly comfortable with those kids.....and I understand! It's biological and you can't help it -- after all, your own biological children are technically "competing" with these boys for resources.
Anyway, what I've learned over time is that when kids are adopted into a family, the mother is usually the one who is not thoroughly comfortable with it, especially if she has her own biological children. I can't blame them though. That's what biological survival is about.
But I might be wrong in my assessment of your situation. Still, I will commend you for adopting kids who need help.......and happy mother's day to you.
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I read that as:
[heatherreb] doesn't think people are fundamentally the same, so she treats her black son and white son differently. That's how your comment came across.