February is international self-esteem month, and there's plenty of how-to-boost-it conversations erupting.
But what if we were to instead compete for low esteem and high anxiety? There are many opportunities in today's context that throw us into such an arena. Our "Age of Anxiety", leaves 1 in 4 of us wrestling with heavy-duty uncertainty and disruptive emotions.
If you're in the running for claiming the prize on dysfunctional thinking and behavior, here are some proven ways to squash any traces of confidence and well-being, and feel your absolute worst:
1. Set your default to my fault. When something goes wrong, let your inner critic do all the talking. In every circumstance, always remember that whatever you did or didn't do is the sole reason for difficulty. This works especially well when you're tired, overworked or sick.
2. Glue yourself to social media. Especially Instagram and Pinterest, the most trustworthy sources of depicting real life. Spend as much time possible scrolling through your feeds. Always remember that everyone else is cooler, more popular and better off than you. Research shows this type of behavior is very effective towards lowering your self-worth. Devote yourself wholeheartedly to this endeavor.
3. Keep up with the Kardashians. The more time you spend trying to be like stars with the money for stylists, make up artists and endless image bolstering tricks, the better. Besides the booties of the rich and famous, try to find people in your circles to measure up to. The more you compare, the better your chances for winning the low self-esteem prize.
4. Be hypercritical. Use self-defeating, antagonistic labels as often as possible. Stupid, ugly, lazy and crazy are good starters. Repeat often. Pick apart as many of your internal and external qualities as possible. If you start letting up, don't forget you can always go to TV and your social media feeds to remind you how atrocious you really are.
5. Avoid therapy at all costs. The more you hide your insecurity, the better. It's best to isolate and dwell on your belief you are the only one with such thoughts and problems. Don't look around at the world health data affirming everyone else is anxious too. Going to a trained, confidential source to strategize is a surefire way to raise your confidence. Learning cognitive behavioral treatment skills will challenge your irrational thinking, making it almost impossible to keep your self-esteem low.
6. Ignore contrary evidence. Avoid education and learning, especially evidence-based examples that teach about self-efficacy, resilience or growth-oriented mindsets. Stay away from Dr. Carol Dweck at all costs. Ignore all conversations about self-compassion and authentic living that poke holes in the negative thinking patterns required to keep self-esteem from improving.
7. Spend frequent time alone. If you must associate with people, be sure to select friends with low confidence and ambition. Don't go hanging out with confident people-their habits and behaviors might be contagious and have a positive effect on you.
8. Stay hunched over and hold your breath. Ignore renowned experts such as Harvard's Amy Cuddy, whose findings suggest body postures impact our mood, confidence and success. Instead, clench your fists, put your head down, hold your breath and don't make eye contact. You wouldn't want to give anyone the impression you are strong and confident-they might try and convince you of it too.
9. Hold still. Stay sedentary. Avoid exercise, deep breathing and physical activity. Instead, let your brain stew in negative thoughts as much as possible. The last thing you need are rushes in serotonin, endorphins, dopamine and oxygen to boost your mood and energy. Whatever you do, stay away from yoga, mindfulness practices and complementary therapies. Research shows they pack a huge punch against anxiety and low esteem.
10. Assume the worst. Become feedback adverse. When critiqued by someone you care about, take it as a full stamp of your unworthiness. Respond with "Don't you love me?" or assume they're going to abandon you. Take any kind of feedback as criticism of who you are and not an opportunity to refine your behavior. Keep your insecurity fueled by remembering the worst is always what you deserve, and that everyone else knows it too.
11. Ruminate excessively. Engage in constant mental gymnastics. Ask yourself "what if", and spend as much time in the past and future as possible. Use words like "should and could have". It's a great use of your time to stay embroiled in negative self-talk. Plus if you had all that time, you might end up putting into something positive, like enjoying being present in the moment.
12. Make perfectionism your life quest. When something isn't exactly as you hoped and planned, condemn yourself. Even if it's good, don't accept it unless you see it as picture perfect. Extend this to as many aspects of life as possible-your job, relationships, academic pursuits and more. Measure yourself according to your performance, and base your worth on arbitrary measures that are flawed and contradict your personal values.
13. Self medicate. Pump your system with as many toxins as possible. Alcohol works best. Since it's a depressant, the temporary self-esteem boost it gives will wear out fast. Over time, you'll drown out any last drops of confidence. If that doesn't work, try working yourself to the bone, massive helpings of caffeine, sugar, food, and drugs to numb you and keep you stuck.
14. Stay purely focused on your own needs. Ignore research that affirms faith, community and connection provide purpose. Instead, stay in your bubble and spend as much time in your head dwelling on everything you can't stand about life. Forget about looking at the big picture, or taking an empathic stance with those around you. Self-absorption will help you stay on track for the narrow thinking needed to preserve low self-esteem.
This list seems ridiculous, right? Most of us can relate to at least a few, or maybe most of these tendencies. Seeing these paradoxical examples can give us momentum to bolster our esteem and resilience through essential mindset and behavioral changes.
What would happen if you flipped this list, and worked towards greater self-compassion, critical thinking and resilience? See which ones you can turn around to avoid winning the losing battle of low self-esteem.
*Disclaimer: This is a tongue-in-cheek approach to teach how to reduce anxiety and improve self-esteem. It intentionally exposes irrational, flawed thinking and behavior that hinders human progress. Take it serious, but not literal!
Dr. Kristen Lee Costa is a behavioral science professor, therapist and author of Reset: Make the Most of Your Stress, named motivational book of 2015.