As a divorced Christian who married at 22 for many of the wrong reasons, I have taken it upon myself to do everything I can to promote marriage for the right reasons.
My general stance is pretty basic: Don't take marriage lightly. It also seems like a fairly non-controversial stance -- one that anyone who truly honors marriage and hates divorce could get behind, whatever their political or religious leaning.
Not surprisingly, I was dismayed to hear about The Heritage Foundation's recently released study: "Marriage: America's Greatest Weapon Against Child Poverty." The study tracks statistics such as the growth of unwed childbirth, and the "death" (their word) of marriage over the past 80 years, before coming to this conclusion: "Marriage drops the probability of child poverty by 82 percent." The study's solution? Push marriage -- especially in low-income communities -- as the primary antidote to poverty.
It doesn't take super powers to see through this study. By suggesting that not being married is the cause of poverty rather than a result, The Heritage Foundation is presenting statistics in an over-simplified way that benefits their broader values and beliefs about the sanctity of marriage. The message boils down to this: "If you don't want to be poor, get married!" (The reverse is also implied: "If you're poor and not married, it's your own fault!")
There are many problems with this message, but I'm going to stick with my foundational point: Marriage should never be taken lightly. Suggesting that marriage is a matter of economics not only cheapens the institution, it puts it -- and women -- in more peril.
I recently ran across a tweet that said the secret to a long-lasting marriage is easy: just don't get a divorce. After getting all worked up and indignant about the ridiculousness of such a statement, I couldn't help but try it with a twist: The secret to not getting a divorce is easy, just don't get married.
Pushing marriage, in other words, is dangerous business because it takes marriages -- especially misguided ones -- to lay the groundwork for divorce. If The Heritage Foundation's goal is to "return our nation to its founding principles," as its website says, it seems that reducing the number of divorces would be at least as important as increasing the number of marriages.
The situation gets even more sticky when marriage is promoted for specific reasons -- maybe so you can be "right with God," or give your baby a "real dad," or, in this case, avoid poverty. When reasons like these precede marriage, raised expectations follow. Marriage has something it's supposed to deliver. When that something is money, the implications multiply. Not only is "Don't marry for money" one of the oldest, most widely-shared pieces of marriage advice out there, financial issues have long been a primary cause of divorce. Clearly finances are stressful enough on their own -- just think how much more stressful they are in marriages that were predicated on finances.
What predicated my own marriage, and how it fits into this broader issue, is complex. In many ways, my experience with marriage and divorce has been very different from the picture presented in The Heritage Foundation study. I am white and college educated, and I waited until after I was married to have children; the study points out that less-educated women are more likely to give birth outside of marriage, and seven of 10 births to black women happen outside of marriage.
But my marriage was still driven by a prevailing conservative, outdated view of what it means to be a woman. In the Midwestern, Christian community I became an adult in, the message may not have been loud, but it was nonetheless clear: "You can't support yourself -- you need a man. And whatever you do, don't live in sin. Get married."
So I got married -- to the man I loved when I graduated from college. I didn't marry for money, exactly, but because it "made sense" and it fulfilled this image of the way I thought my life should look. The irony is that I supported my husband for the first five years of our marriage, while he developed a career as an artist and then went to graduate school, taking on student loans.
We divorced after struggling through 10 years of marriage, having two children, and going through three years of counseling. In the end, money wasn't at the root of our problems, but the basic fact that we got married with false expectations, before we really knew who we were or what we needed.
As a woman at 22, I was fortunate. I had a college degree, a job, health insurance, and access to birth control. What I lacked was the affirmation of the broader culture around me -- a loud and clear message that said, "You are capable of so much, on your own." I needed to believe more fully in my ability to be successful, to be respected, and to build a future -- without a husband.
If I had that need, while also having so many advantages, think of how much more the single mothers living in poverty (and all those who may become single mothers living in poverty) need. They need education, and childcare. They need access to healthcare and birth control. And yes, they need to believe they can make something of their lives and build a better future for their children. They need government officials, pastors, and mentors who support that belief, too.
In the midst of all of those very real and pressing needs, the last thing they need is people telling them to get married if they want to get out of poverty. If we really care about these families, let's stop cheapening marriage by presenting it as an antidote, and let's start empowering women to make smart choices for a future they can sustain -- with or without a husband.
Follow Kristin Tennant on Twitter: www.twitter.com/kt_writes
This study makes me pretty worried for the same reasons the author is worried.
This is NO reason to marry. The source of pressure on men to marry comes from this feeling.
I agree with you, there should be an awareness that when we speak of marriage, as we most often refer to the heteronormative description of marriage. The lack of referencing that monogamy and permanence between two people regardless of sex or gender is in and of itself violent to the LGBT community.
however, if we force the lessons driven be personal experience to have the diversity we would accept in recognize in our society, i think it will take the "personal" out of the story.
Single mothers living in poverty ... may well need education ... and childcare ... and access to healthcare ... and clothes ... and food ... and shelter ... and a whole lot more ...
... but it isn't government's role to be a provider for your children.
YOU chose to have children, so take responsibility for them WITHOUT asking government to extort OTHER PEOPLE'S MONEY at the point of a gun to pay the cost of YOUR decisions.
With choice comes responsibility, accept it ... or ... don't make choices you cannot afford.
If, for example, you want childcare, but cannot afford it, get together with other similarly situated parents and organize to take turns providing it. Ministers and others outside government will be more than happy to help.
That is the very essence of responsibility. Indeed, it is the very essence of the initiative you will need to succeed, to be respected, and to build a future - with or without a husband.
Without being willing to accept the responsibility of YOUR choices and decisions, the very term "responsibility" is rendered entirely meaningless.
YOU chose to have children and it is none of my business whether or not you are married, but paying the cost of YOUR choices is YOUR responsibility.
Fulfill it.
The issue doesn't apply to foreign nations, however. For that, you will need to consider the issue of foreign aid and its questionable efficacy.
Moreover, I support replacing our failed social democratic state with a government as employer of last resort program to provide a productive job - with training - to every American who might want one, which addresses the problem directly and results in ZERO unemployment.
Finally, it is important that you distinguish between the feigned "caring" of the left and actual results. If I were destitute, I would appreciate the opportunity of a job and the prospect of helping myself.
Children do much better, statistically speaking, when raised by two parents.
Children do much better, statistically speaking, when raised in an economically-secure home. That tends to be correlated with having two parents, but a single “Murphy Brown” mother might also be able to provide economic security.
Children do much better, statistically speaking, when raised in a home where they get lots of ‘face time’ with one or both parents. Whether being read to, taken for strolls thru the park, or simply engaged in discussion. Having two parents increases the likelihood that one or the other has time for the child.
We understand that stuff happens. People marry with the best intentions, yet things fall apart.
Where we have less patience is with women, and with the men involved, who decide to bring a child into the world despite not having the necessary elements in place to raise one. Marriage, or at least a committed partner, is one of the most important elements. It is unfair to the child to intentionally bring him/her into a world that does not have love, or time, or resources to properly provide for him/her. It is unfair to society who now has to pick up the economic slack, be it ‘welfare’ now or the costs of incarceration later. It is a selfish, anti-social act.
The more important point is whether anything can/should be done about it. Unfortunately, the only way to attack the problem is with the people who get to make decisions - i.e., young single folks or married folks considering divorce. How can there be anything wrong with getting them these kinds of facts?
As a parting thought, as yourself: if society frowned on childbirth out of wedlock today similar to how it did 50 years ago, would American children be better off? Tough question to grapple with.
This country has a history of demeaning and villifying the poor, as though they've chosen their situation, rather than helping them pull themselves back up. We are ALL Americans, and because of that we are tied to one another. It's our job, our civic duty, to make sure that those of us who have the least are taken care of.