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Celebrity Head Transplants

Posted: 03/23/11 04:52 PM ET

The blogosphere is vibrating with the news of what may or may not have happened to Fergie. The Pea, not the Princess. We think we know what happened, as we've become experts on just about everything lately. She went to Encina or something on holiday and got herself a head transplant. Really, it's the only possible solution. No one can change up their face that much without having at least some vestiges of the old face still around. And the thing is, for Fergie -- and the other head transplant recipients that occupy the greater Hollywood area -- we liked her old head. We wonder where it is? We wonder if it's being kept on dry ice for when Josh realizes that something is amiss. We anticipate it will take six or seven months. It's a good thing he's pretty.

2011-03-21-Fergie.jpg

And, Fergie? If your real head is reading this somewhere...please change back. Your new head is so distracting that we've forgotten to pay attention to the really important things, like your whacktacular outfits, they amazing death-and-gravity-defying abilities of your boobs, and just what that clear plastic thing is that Will. I. Am is wearing on his head.

Though we imagine it's to keep his brains from exploding about your head.

Now for your little fraternity of friends:

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Oh, Kenny Rogers...please, please listen to your own lyrics. You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run, screaming "Oh dear God what have you done to my face?"

There'll be time enough for suin', when the healin's done...

2011-03-21-SuzanneSomers.jpg

Dear sweet, pretty Suzanne Somers, You captured our attention with Chrissy Snow and the thighmaster. Then it was your books about being awesome and non-menopausal at sixty. And now you've -- you've -- well, I'm having trouble opening a jar in my house. Can I borrow your chin? Can we blame this on a hot flash? Please??

2011-03-21-AxlRose.jpg

Axl, remember when you were dating Stephanie Seymour and she was the Queen of Victoria's Secret and you were the hot rock star? The goal here wasn't to try and look like her. It was to look good NEXT to her. Right now, you'd look more at home next to John Galiano, though I think we'd all fear that a swashbuckling competition wasn't far behind.

2011-03-21-HeidiMontag.jpg

Congratulations Heidi (if that really is you??) You've won the contest by replacing so many parts of your original anatomy with silicon, plastic and possibly formica, that all that's left is your left earlobe, pinky toe and that giant ass. Speaking of your giant ass, can you tell your husband to shave the beard? It doesn't make him look intellectual. It makes him look like a douche.

2011-03-21-MickeyRourke.jpg

Hello Left Side Mickey. We LOVE you in 9 1/2 Weeks. We also pretend that what you did to turn you into Right Side Mickey never really happened. And, just a word of sage counsel for your next movie role. Just because you wanted to BE in The Wrestler didn't mean you actually needed to take a chair to the face. We're just sayin'...

 

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