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Mom News Wrap-up: Kate, Lindsay and Syria, Oh My

Posted: 04/26/11 01:38 PM ET

A lot has happened in the world in the past seven days. But for that select portion of the world that has chosen to breed, only one thing happened: Spring Break. What was once a ten day festival of educational freedom in Panama City has now become a six trillion day long clusterf**k of hoping eight months of acquired knowledge doesn't fall out of our kids' brains. Because it sure as crap fell out of ours.

A recap of the week that was, mommy-style:

Syria. Seriously? Behave!
In yet another chapter of Middle East unrest, tanks are now patrolling the streets in Syria after Syrian security forces gunned down another 120 pro-democracy protestors, bringing the death toll to over 300. The US is "preparing to take its first concrete steps... by imposing sanctions on Syria, freezing assets of senior Syrian officials and deny[ing] them permission to travel to the United States."

We're sorry. What? Were you guys ever parents? This is like telling your kids that, when they take a baseball bat to a classmate, that they can't go to Chuck E. Cheese, but they can go anywhere else in the whole wide world. Oh, and we're not going to give you any allowance, but if you maybe hit one more kid, we'll re-think that. After all, taking away all your privileges hasn't stopped you from hitting, has it? Our bad. Wanna go to Chuck E. Cheese now?

The Contenders. Go to your room! Now!
Are we still talking about elections? Seems that the Mississippi governor is out, but that Donald Trump is still in. The former RNC Chairman has decided that he really doesn't have a chance at winning and that it's time to step out of the running. Maybe. Sources say he may still be in it, if he's the last man standing. The Donald, on the other hand, has taken up the "birther" cause by declaring again that it's possible that President Obama was not born in this country and therefore ineligible to be president. As moms, we're pretty familiar with conflicts about birthing. We're Team Epidural.  But rather than debate this particular topic, we'd much prefer to possibly add to the list of items that could and should preclude one from becoming leader of the free world. Let's start here: If you preface your first name with the word "The" you're ineligible. Sorry, The Rock. We maybe coulda liked you. 

iPhone Stalking. That's it! Put the electronics away!
The world was collectively outraged by the discovery this week that iPhones, Androids and other smartphones were storing data that pinpoints their owners exact locations and transmits that information back to their respective companies. We'd be outraged and all, but really? All our phone is going to tell anyone is that we spend far too much time at Target, Starbucks, playing Angry Birds and, more importantly, getting lost. Which -- hello? -- is why we got a smartphone in the first place.

NFL Lockout. Don't make me come up there!
In sports news, some skinny white dudes in suits thought it would be a good idea to "lock out" some really big muscle-y dudes who can palm a human head. We keep thinking that a door - locked or not - really isn't that big of an impediment. And then our husbands started talking about things like "free agency" and "salary cap" and "trades" and we were like, "just unlock the door..." and then they started twitching. We think maybe it was because someone had palmed their head.

Royal Wedding. Yeah yeah yeah. Life isn't fair.
Just three days until the wedding to end all weddings finally happens in Britain. The adorable Kate Middleton will exchange vows with the future, future king, Prince William, at Westminster Abbey this Saturday. We love this story. Why? Because it's all about romance and finding your prince and fairytale stories and the movie "The Prince and Me" (don't EVEN lie - you know you saw it).  And we think to ourselves, "Wow, we could so have this in our country, but noooooo, we had to go all indepent-y" and now they have Kate and Wills and we have pretend royal families like Kennedys and Bushes and (choke) Trumps. England is so laughing at us right now. Team America...f**k yeah.

...and finally...
Lindsay Lohan, as part of her plea agreement, must complete her community service in a Los Angeles morgue. Rather than going to jail for 120 days for coincidentally having a necklace leave a jewelry store at the same time as her neck, she's going to spend those days in the LA County Coroners office. While officials insist that Lindsay will be doing simple janitorial work, there's no doubt she'll be up close and personal with dead bodies. The upside? She'll also get to visit her acting career. We imagine it's in a jar of formaldehyde.  

 

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