The discovery of my ex-wife's affair wouldn't have made for juicy television. I never walked in to find the lovers in our bed, she never came clean through an intense marriage counseling session and I didn't stumble upon some tawdry Facebook exchange, since Mark Zuckerberg was still in elementary school. I had been completely oblivious to all the telltale signs and even through the separation process, I continued to see their relationship as purely friends and close work acquaintances.
To this day my naivety and denial remain staggering.
When it finally sank in that their relationship involved a bit more than just workouts and lunches, our divorce was already on the record books. Picking my kids up on my very first weekend as a single dad, I noticed a strange car in the driveway, ironically a convertible Corvette. I pulled up and was cordially introduced to the person who had been a frequent topic of our counseling conversations for years prior. Using only his first name "you know...", it appeared he had already made himself at home. We maintained minimal eye contact, exchanged few words and didn't shake hands. Driving home, I can still remember my amazement at her nonchalant attitude during the entire scene -- like I should have expected no less.
Interestingly, my coming-to-terms at being deceived and traded in for someone else didn't have the spirit-crushing impact I would have thought. At this point, the heavy lifting was already behind me and a therapist was managing the soreness quite well. And those feelings I did harbor were less betrayal or treachery and much more anger and resentment.
But as the years wore on, I couldn't seem to move beyond the outrage at how she had traded in everything and turned our children's worlds upside down -- for that. To me, she carried the full burden of guilt. It was entirely her fault our lives, especially our young children's, had been thrown into chaos -- and all so she could have a new plaything.
My indignation knew no bounds. Given the opportunity, I would pour out my wrath on her with extreme prejudice. I was shockingly rude, flagrantly unsympathetic and unabashedly condescending. I would randomly delay child support and alimony, routinely fail to answer calls or return messages entirely and send scathing emails concerning any number of what I considered parenting fouls. And if we were in the same room together, my patronization was borderline appalling. Given the slightest nudge, I could easily become the Mr. Hyde that keeps divorce attorneys in business and single mothers up at night.
Time and age are most effective healers. My bitterness and fury have subsided and with more introspection, I began seeing a forest instead of just trees. The moment I started looking outside my personal universe is when it dawned on me that in my search for scapegoats and suspects to satisfy my wounded ego, the one place I failed to look was my own mirror.
It led me to the understanding that affairs never happen in a vacuum. Which is to say behaviors and actions inside the relationship cause reactions that eventually manifest outside. For example, the most common reason men give for cheating isn't lack of sex or wrinkles on her face, it's that he feels unappreciated, unacknowledged and disrespected. Routinely, what ends in a sexual affair starts innocently with a friend, coworker or customer showering him with the appreciation and recognition he isn't getting at home.
When seen through this unconventional point of view, I finally came to understand and even empathize with her for the day in counseling when she emphatically declared she wouldn't end their friendship, saying "he gives me what I need". When I finally moved beyond my pride and pity, I was suddenly able to see what I had been there all along -- the part I played in her affair. I could now observe, with perfect clarity, how my actions and behaviors not only kept their relationship aflame but even fueled its growth. And it was when that door suddenly swung open my animosity and outrage had a chance to breath.
I've sat with countless divorced men and listened as they ferociously condemned their ex-wives for rejecting the sanctity of marriage, all the while implying their own spousal perfection. When asked if there is anything they could have done differently to keep her out of another man's arms, they respond with embarrassed indignation.
I don't know when, or if, I'll ever completely snuff out my resentment; that which was taken can never to be reclaimed. But through my story I've learned that in an affair those involved are victims -- and culprits -- and when fingers begin looking for someone to point blame, it's usually a good idea to begin with the one doing the pointing.
Follow Kyle Bradford on Twitter: www.twitter.com/ChopperPapa
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-larson/why-were-harder-on-men-wh_b_1437335.html?ref=divorce
"Getting away with cheating is nothing to feel proud off. All you are doing is taking advantage of the extraordinary trust your partner has invested in you. Its like taking candy from a baby. Even if you suck at it they will still want to believe your lies. Betraying that trust is one of the lousiest things you can do to another person. If you have issues that can't be worked through or needs that can't be met end the relationship. That will do less long term damage than eventually getting caught (and you will)."
Afriggingmen.
Here's something else, ask any male friend you know who had an affair why he cheated. If we follow your logic his response will be "because I could and she was there?"
Cheating is a clear line, it is a choice. It may not be made over cornflakes, but it is definitely a choice. It's not a hard concept. Bad marriage? Fix it or get out, don't cheat with someone, continuing to hold on to the marriage for security until the new Mr/Ms. Wonderful works out or not. Justify that, if you can? I never said fidelity in marriage isn't possible...where did you get that from? Just the opposite, fidelity is what you signed on to when you took your vows. If you want to be with more than one, don't get married. Any male friends that I have that cheated did it for just two reasons...selfishness and no moral character. They may try and justify it by saying she was this or she was that, but thats a bunch of crap. Fix your marriage or get divorced. Cheating is wrong, no matter what silly reasons one may try and rationalize in their head(s).
Eventually, the infatuation will wear off and the daily grind will come to the forefront. If the marriage is built on shaky grounds then it will not last regardless of the excuses. If this account is true, the author's ex-wife abandoned the marriage in search of a quick emotional fix. Chances are the new relationship she has will not last either because the fundamentals of it is just flawed. That could be the solace the author takes.
You cannot tell from this article what their marriage was like. Let me give you some examples from my own. A husband that does not respond when you talk. A husband who walks 30 feet ahead of you in public. A husband who is drunk every other day. Are you saying that I am the empty one for leaving the marriage?!?!? If he was unwilling to change any of that behavior, it doesn't matter how much I worked on the marriage, it can't be worked on by only one spouse.
Aside from that, you missed the whole point of the article. The author is acknowedging his flaws and his share in the demise of his marriage. No marriage fails because of one person alone unless it is a case of abuse.
Most importantly, no one will ever get solace because of the pain of another person. And if you do, you are the empty one.
Seems a bit sexist to me.
As the 50-something child of divorced parents who have both passed on and who had to deal with a lot of issues caused by each of my parents, I can say in all candor that her decision to dump my father for a married father of five small children, was not one of her good ones.
Especially when you start totaling up all the ramifications of that decision just on the seven children of those two people.
All the adults involved in that are either dead or in a nursing home, and we were left to clean up the mess.
While i can agree that a man can be in part to blame for neglecting his wife, and so encouraging her to look elsewhere for companionship, still she is an adult. She can say "hey I need your attention", she can weigh the consequences of her actions, as should the husband.
Not just on how you feel in the next five minutes, but on the impact on children. Some of whom may go to prison, or die over issues that would not exist, had you made a more sound decision.
Sorry if I rain on your parade, but been their, done that, seen the effects, got stuck with the bill. No thanks.
Are you claiming that women cannot be irresponsible in their behavior?
I was as much or more pissed at my step-father who took essentially zero interest in us, or his own kids.
Does that mean the authors wife was in the wrong-- no, but neither does it mean she was in the right, nor that the author should imply that one sex or the other is generally right.
I am seeing what seems to me to be a very callous obscenely selfish attitude in you.
Adults have a responsibility to act as adults.
Don't mistaken "justification" for "contribution". Your actions didn't justify her having an affair but they did contribute to it, and that you can be absolutely sure of. And if you think I'm lying, just ask her.
I think you've bought into the whole it's always the man's fault pile that's been happening lately. If a man cheats, it's his fault. If a woman cheats, it's her man's fault for driving her into it. You're looking at the wrong person. It's her fault and whoever she did it with's fault. That's it.
I deduced from your sentence about picking up the kids, and he making him at home. Sorry if I was wrong. My point is of course also informed by my age. When we got got our two kids, I sure would have been very upset getting the mailman's. But once they were born (and we would not get any other), what's my wife's monogamy to me? She makes a big thing of it, and then proceeds to suffocate me with her big unmet, unrealistic romantic expectations. Otherwise, we're a good team, good parents to our kids, good stewards of our 2 houses (and mortgages), good friends to our friends, and hope to live together till we die (which, since we are close to 60, is not that far off). But I sure wish someone else could take care of her romantic needs on the weekends.