Earlier this week, Republicans unveiled their newest strategy for big gains in the House and Senate in the upcoming midterm elections: portray the President as a 'Communerrorist.' James Birnbaum, a Republican strategist and founder of the conservative Deficit and Budget Advocacy Group ("DBAG"), said that the term was targeted because it would "manufacture the most fear and distrust among voters, both in the older Cold-War demographic as well as the younger, more easily manipulated War-on-Terror group," adding that "if you're not scared of a communist, you're sure as hell scared of a terrorist. So it's win-win."
Although Obama himself will not be on the ballot this November, Birnbuam suggested that voters need to understand that a vote for any Democrat is a vote to destroy America. "They want to protect the unemployed and the middle class, promote alternative energy use, and regulate the risky investment banks. You might as well be casting your vote for Joseph Stalin, Pol Pot, or Osama Bin Laden."
Hoyt Whitman, a registered voter in Texas' Yoakum County, says that he thinks the strategy will be successful. "They convinced me," said Whitman. "I mean, the last thing I need is that red bastard and his army of pinko-arab cronies kicking in my door and stealing my Freedom, which is what I named my AK-47 assault rifle. I also have a sniper rifle named Tolerance, and I bet Nancy Pelosi will want that too, damn Communist." Democrats, however, appear unconcerned with the development. The Democratic National Committee today issued a press release calling the term "irresponsible" and "almost impossibly stupid if you think about it for two seconds." However, Janet Taylor, DBAG's director of media relations, stressed in an email exchange that voters should try to "feel" the word more than think about it. "We want a visceral reaction. Ideally we'd like to have 'Communerrorist' bumper stickers made, posters, refrigerator magnets, that kind of thing, preferably with a picture of a bearded Obama holding a sickle and either desecrating or otherwise defiling the Bible." Ms. Taylor said that she has also advised Republican candidates to avoid discussing or defending the term with the media, noting that it could lead to awkward questions such as "what evidence do you have to support these allegations?" and "what the hell is the matter with you?"
Mr. Birnbaum demonstrated the effectiveness of the method: when pressed on how the connotations of the term applied specifically to President Obama, Birnbaum muttered vaguely about "Muslims" and "spreading the wealth around" before claiming to receive a call on his cell phone, which had not vibrated or ringed. "Oh, I have to take this," he said, moving quickly toward the door while adding "remember, this guy's a textbook Communerrorist, and he's Kenyan too, so, you know, turn that one over in your brain for a while."
In a follow-up interview on Tuesday afternoon, Birnbaum and Taylor added that Republicans are currently discussing several other ideas for electoral victory, including a renewed focus on the economic benefits of lower taxes, exposing the nefarious, back-room deals that led to passage of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, and infant bloodletting. "Do we actually know that the President is not drinking the blood of small children in order to unnaturally prolong his life?" asked Mr. Birnbaum. "Where are the documents?"