Thanksgiving Thursday is over, and now it's time to shop. For those of you who are out there this weekend taking advantage of the big sales and kicking our economy into gear, here are a few big ticket items you might consider buying in honor of this Sunday's Bucs game against the Atlanta Falcons.
NEW ITEM! Supersize Quarterback--Josh Freeman comes in at a giant 6'6" 248 pounds, but don't worry, he moves around well and has a knack for avoiding defenders.
Features: strong arm, fast feet, confidence, good decision-making ability
Downsides: rookie mistakes, prone to fumble-itis, only 50% effective in passing game
User Review: "This quarterback looks like he's going to be a great long-term purchase, but I've definitely had some troubles with him recently. Last year's Matt Ryan version looked great early, but hasn't been performing as well recently, so I think I'll stick with Josh Freeman!"
99% OFF! Pass Rush--Due to complaints, the Bucs' pass rush is going for 99% off--a steal deal! Plus, with Coach Raheem taking over the defense and a return to the Tampa-2, this group could be worth much more than asking price. And if not, well, you won't need to clean any opposing QB jerseys, because those things don't get touched! Buy now!
Features: ineffective tackling, embarrassing ability to be run over by offensive linemen
Downsides: too many to name
User Review: "I can't believe how terrible the pass rush has been. The only time this thing worked was against Aaron Rodgers, and lord knows he holds the ball forever. Matt Ryan should walk all over these guys--especially with Roddy White and Tony Gonzalez receiving. I hope Coach Rah can create a defensive strategy that works for the personnel the Bucs have, because otherwise this was a complete rip-off."
Deal of the Day: #22 for $22--For just $22 you too can own #22, Clifton "Peanut" Smith, the leader of the top-ranked kick return team in the NFL! Watch the little guy find holes and break tackles. Buy today, and we'll throw in place kicker Connor Barth for free!
Features: fearless, runs hard in the face of defenders, rarely calls for a fair catch
Downsides: can't help the offense or defense
User Review: "Man, this was a great purchase! I picked up Peanut for my wife because I thought she'd think he was cute, but I never expected just how useful he would be! This guy just makes plays and picks up yards every time he gets the ball. I can't believe opposing teams even kick to him! And Connor Barth makes those 50+ yard kicks like clockwork. This is a great deal! I would recommend it to all my friends!"
10% Discount on Damaged Goods: Michael Turner--Take advantage of this top-ranked rusher for the Atlanta Falcons while the price is right! Benched last week for a high-ankle sprain, Turner's been practicing this week, and his wonky ankle shouldn't be as much of a factor against the Tampa Bay run defense (or lack thereof)!
Features: season total 831 yards and 10 TDs
Downsides: sprained ankle
User Review: "I am very satisfied with Michael Turner. I wasn't sure he was going to work for me when I first bought him in September, but he really picked up steam and had been working great until he broke a couple of weeks ago. The ankle-repair service worked better than I thought it would, but I would definitely buy the product insurance (Jerious Norwood and Jason Snelling) to make sure the Atlanta run game can take advantage of the weak Tampa blockers."
3 for the price of 1: Antonio Bryant, Michael Clayton, and Maurice Stovall--Three wide receivers for the price of one? We must be crazy!! Well, no, actually, we're just being practical. Top receiver Bryant is banged up with chronic knee problems and some attitude issues, Michael "Not Clooney" Clayton can't hold on to the ball, and Maurice Stovall is... well, have you ever heard of Maurice Stovall? Didn't think so. (Sale price good only on Bryant, Clayton, and Stovall. Sammie Stroughter and Kellen Winslow sold separately.)
Features: faux-butter coating on hands, dual setting legs: slow and medium, "cranky public statement" pull-string on Bryant and Clayton models
Downsides: holding the ball through the catch, catching the ball with rookie QB throwing out of reach
User Review: "I got these receivers thinking that they would be pretty good, but I'm disappointed to say the least. Especially with Clayton--man, did I overpay for him! Hopefully they'll do a little better against the Atlanta's 28th-place defense, but I don't think I'll be keeping these guys past the end of the season."
Happy Black Friday weekend!
Cross-published at www.chicksinthehuddle.com.