Overall I am living in the happiest, most fulfilling and most exhilarating chapter of my life. I am happily married to an amazing partner, my twins bless my life every day and my coaching and online course business is soaring beyond belief.
And yet, there are still times when I experience great pain. Recently, a series of small things all added up causing me to question whether a balance was even possible for my dynamic life:
• I started a new project, but half way into it, realized that it would cost me an arm and a leg, and would take much more time than I anticipated, which made me question myself and my approach to business.
• I had some changes in childcare, requiring our family to set up a new schedule. This felt disruptive and uncomfortable for everyone.
• The kids were feeling the changes, so they needed extra attention. And I felt like like I had none to give.
• My husband was being wooed by various competitors and was spending a lot of time focusing on his next career move (and therefore, not on me or the kids).
I felt like all of the balls I was juggling were up in the air at the same time, and I wasn't sure which ones to catch, which ones to let go of and which ones to keep in the air. It felt so chaotic.
And there is nothing more uncomfortable than feeling like there is no ground underneath my feet and there is nothing to hold on to.
In the middle of this chaos, I went on a magical getaway to Las Vegas with my husband. In that time together, we meditated, visualized and shared our dreams.
We saw so clearly the kind of life that we both want in the near future. We envisioned feeling present, connected, in love and in trust. We saw the two of us walking through life feeling united, going with the flow and riding the waves with ease. It felt so harmonious and joyful!
Before we went home, we agreed on certain shifts we would make in order to bring this vision to reality. When we got back, for a few days things did indeed flow more smoothly.
And just when I finally felt a big exhale coming, everything seemed to crumble.
Little things went "wrong," like one or both of us not getting home early enough to have dinner on time and feeling rushed in the evening. This would result in tension between us and an overwhelming sense of pressure to get things done. I would get upset and nag or yell. My husband would withdraw.
It felt so frustrating to feel disconnected again.
The straw that broke the camel's back was a bunk bed we got for the kids, in order to wean them from sleeping with us. After days of selecting, purchasing and setting up the new bed for the kids in their room, we realized that this bunk bed was not going to work in the room.
For some reason the visual representation of this gigantic and ugly bunk bed taking over the whole kids room tipped the scales of chaos that I was feeling.
It all felt so insurmountable and endless.
My thoughts started painting some pretty interesting scenarios:
• If the kids' beds aren't done, the kids will still be sleeping with us. This means that my husband and I will not be sleeping together and will continue to fight and feel disconnected.
• And the kids will feel it and act out. I will feel like an awful mom.
• I'll be so out of sorts that I won't be able to properly run my online courses, write or coach clients. My business will suffer and whither. I'll feel so alone and like a total failure.
• And worst of all, I will continue to wake up in the morning feeling like this is not the peaceful and happy life that we envisioned. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
• Where did I go wrong? Why do things not work out even when I thought I had figured it out? Why is it that no matter how hard I try, something always goes amiss?
It felt like no matter what I did, I couldn't get a grip; I couldn't seem to find true stability in my life.
My biggest fear of pulling one thread and the whole thing unraveling was staring me right in the face.
When all the emotions hit me like a tornado that night, I wanted to hide. And hit something. And blame somebody. Or blame myself. And after doing all of those things, I didn't feel any better.
When I finally crawled into bed next to my husband that night (after angrily pushing him away earlier when he tried to comfort me in the middle of wailing on the floor), I was ready to let go.
I was ready to stop fighting... and improving... and planning... and fixing. I just wanted to find my breath again. And be held.
So I asked if he would just hold me. And in his embrace, I felt so much love and compassion. And I let it in.
I let him love me just as I was: a fumbling, bumbling, tumbling mess of passion, clarity, joy, love and fear, anxiety, worry and anger. Glitter and gremlins, all under one roof.
Because I was ready to love myself in that way - without barriers or clauses. Without disclaimers or pre-nups.
And when I woke up the next day, I could see the pattern clearly for what it was. Over the past year, I have really stepped into the light and begun to see just how limitless, magnificent and talented I am. I have reached and surpassed many success ceilings and practiced many new ways of looking at life.
When I read the daily outpourings of love from clients and fans, I feel how on purpose I am. When I see how easily my children welcome their emotions and hear people tell me that I have the happiest kids in the world, I know I am on the right track.
When I remember the tender, passionate, ecstatic way that I have been able to fully surrender in interactions with my husband, I see that I am living what I didn't even dare to dream.
And that's the "problem."
I temporarily forgot that the more that we step into the light, the more clearly we see the dust in the corners.
Instead of embracing and coming to grips with these cobwebs, I ignored them and pushed them away. The more I tried to wave my arms and get rid of them, the more I was choking on the dust of old beliefs and patterns.
And then I remembered the only truth I believe in: LOVE. Love is the answer. To everything.
So I asked: how I can love this dust? Genuinely and fervently? And in wanting to honor this muck, I transformed it right in front of my very own eyes.
Because love is the secret that turns copper into gold and ordinary dust into fairy dust. That is what the alchemists and the prophets knew.
But love cannot be perceived or received, until it is invited and felt within. I had to love myself -- scars, dust and all -- in order to feel that everything was ok and to allow the chaos in my life to evaporate in the warmth of an inner order.
So I stand here before you, sharing my story with you because I have to. Not for you - for me. This is another way I am showing love for all those parts of me that felt unlovable.
Today, I don't have any great exercises to practice self-love or self-care or tips and tricks to transform these (painful) old beliefs. I only have one message for you: When all hell breaks loose - choose love.
Choose love by accepting yourself just as you are. By giving yourself the permission to feel, reveal and heal. By showing those vulnerable sides to others and allowing them to hold space for you and love you in the middle of the mess.
Put down the protective masks, embrace your sacred humanity and transform hell into a a hell-of-an-opportunity to love yourself more.