Thanksgiving With Rudy

Welcome, all, including ex-wives and mistresses. I know it must be a wonderful experience for you to see me again. Here are my rules:

1. Everybody has to take off their shoes at the front door security screening. If Pat Robertson is given a waiver, everyone will want one, and then, what's the point?
2. Plastic knives and forks only. It's not as "classy" as silverware, but remember, 9/11 changed everything. You think I'm going to allow knives with all my ex-wives and mistresses here? Are you kidding??
3. All food, especially Donna's homemade cranberry sauce, goes through the x-ray machine. No exceptions.
4. Relatives bringing desserts must fill out a form listing all ingredients, and where they were purchased.
5. For quality assurance, all conversations may be monitored.
6. Judith will not set the turkey on fire this year, because the firefighters won't come to my house anymore. They're so ungrateful for what I've done for them.
7. Uncle Bernie will have to do guard duty during dinner. One of my former mistresses, Crystine if she gets here on time, will bring him a plate of food and he can pretend he was confirmed as head of the DHS. We can always say he tried to crash the party and we don't know him.
8. Pat will say grace, and thank the Lord for our precious freedoms, which we also have the freedom to surrender, which we've chosen to do, freely, more or less.

(These tips are adapted from The Ultimate Counterterrorist Home Companion in the sense that while they don't actually appear in the book, they would have if we'd thought of them. Anyway there are a lot of other tips in the book which will help you have a terrorist-safe Holiday Season.)