If We Have Ethnic Profiling at Airports, Can I Cheat?

08/17/2006 06:24 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

I read with a thrill that House Homeland Security Chairman Peter King has endorsed requiring people of "Middle Eastern and South Asian" descent to undergo additional security checks because of their ethnicity and religion.

The question is, will you need special ID to get selected as a special ethnic or religious type. Frankly most of the flights I get on are loaded with typical Americans. There are some blacks, some Latin looking people, but they're clearly Americans. I don't think I get on one flight in ten where there's a guy in a white robe with three to four women in burkas behind him.

So if I got to the airport and there was a line out the door, shuffling forward ten people per hour, five hours to go, and there were no Arab terrorists among them, could I whip out my white sheets, throw them over my head with a gold band to hold them, and get on the ethnic profile line?

Even with strip searches, even with cavity searches, it would have to be quicker than standing in one of today's normal security lines for regular economy passengers. It would be like getting the first class pass with no extra cash.

What, you may say, if everyone cheated! What about that? Well then, the special ethnic profiling line would get longer and there would be a disincentive to cheat. It's self-regulating. That, don't you see, is the genius of capitalism. It's the invisible hand.

But what if they get mad and pass a law that makes it a crime to wear a sheet? If you're not really a sheik?

Well, then I'll grow a mustache and practice my accents.

You liberal types have got to get over your knee jerk, com-symp, politically correct reactions to the policies of idiots and learn to turn them to your advantage. If you were all war profiteers, you wouldn't be whining about Iraq, either, would you?