If you're reading, Stephen Colbert, please sign me up as a speaker at the March to Keep Fear Alive that you're holding on Oct. 30 at the same time as Jon Stewart's Sanity Rally.
I want to tell the crowd how the Internet is endangering -- no, destroying -- our children. I want to make sure everyone knows that kids who go online are in imminent danger of being immediately kidnapped and possibly pulverized by Internet predators. I'll also talk about how pornography is eroding their morals and causing acne.
While I'm at it, I think I'll talk a little about the epidemic of cyberbullying, reminding the crowd that about the only thing that kids are posting online is harassing, cruel and mean diatribes against their peers.
And let's not forget sexting. As every parent knows, just as the Internet is for porn, cell phone cameras are for turning America's children into creators, distributors and collectors of child porn -- i.e. pictures of themselves. It's only a matter of time before we put every kid in America on a sex offender registry.
I will also warn people about the dangers of Google Street view which allows predators half way around the world to pinpoint neighborhoods with children. Never mind that it's not real time and that predators don't really operate that way -- what's important is that it's really scary.
Let's not forget that Facebook has totally destroyed privacy. Thanks to Facebook, no one has any secrets and practically all kids in America have shown the world their evil selves. Come to think of it, this could be a good thing. Now that every teen has been depicted drinking and carousing, colleges have an excuse to turn them all away. This could save billions in government subsidies to higher education. Maybe we could even save localities money by kicking them out of high school.
Thank you Stephen. You are continuing the traditions of Joseph McCarthy, J. Edgar Hoover and other great Americans. Let's hear it for scaring the crap out of everyone, especially parents.
Note: When he's not foaming at the mouth of about the inevitable decay of society, Larry Magid is co-director of ConnectSafely.org, a non-profit organization that tries to promote a calm, rational and research-based approach to youth online risk.