Okay, Really. Now You Have To Go
The Man Who Came to Dinner is a play from the thirties and a movie from the forties that is well worth checking out sometime, for its pedigrees as well as its pleasures; but for now the essential bones of the plot are instructive, I think, for our contemporary politics.
It's about an annoying man who comes as a guest to someone's house for dinner and, for one reason and another, just doesn't leave.
Speaking of Mike Huckabee...
Seriously, though, it's about all of them. Every one of them. Every democrat and republican for the last two years, left and right, everyone running for president; and senator, and congress, and state house, and dog catcher.
But let's start with Mike. He's the last one standing, in a way, the last one with no chance in the world, who's still out there dancing up a storm and singing Doo-Dah. Our synecdoche that indicates the whole with a part.
First, here's what you could say about the ex-governor of Arkansas if you wanted to be kind, or worked for his campaign, whichever comes first.
You could say, "With Romney dropping out, he's articulated some kind of conservative landscape that's been unserved by McCain." Okay, but that's not why he's still running.
You could say, "He's a Baptist minister who accidentally makes commercials with radioactive crosses floating next to his head, and that resonates well in our most religious regions." Okay, but that's not why he's still running. (By the way, I hate to be cynical, but sometimes I get the feeling that a lot of ministers these days get a degree and have never preached, and just use it to impress people. Like lawyers who've never seen the inside of a courtroom or even passed the bar, or after-dinner speakers who call themselves "Doctor" just because they spent a couple of extra years out of the work force writing a paper about the history of television for Spunk Bunny College. As I said, though, I hate to be cynical. I really, really do.)
You could say, "He's lost a lot of weight, and wants to give hope to our thicker brethren."
Okay, but again, that's not why he's still running.
It's not why he ran in the first place, and it's not why he's still in. I'll give you a hint: He's still in the race for the same reason Al Sharpton ran when he did; the same reason Ralph Nader is, at this very second, actually considering running again. Give up?
You see, folks, the reason these people run is because they have nothing to do. Think about it. They have no jobs, they don't make anything, they don't carve anything, they don't sell anything, they just start foundations that hire other people with nothing to do. The only thing in the world they're any good at is walking out on stages and waving.
If you could yell "Cut!" on life and speak to Mike Huckabee honestly, and he spoke honestly in return -- both, I realize, low probability items -- But if you could, and asked him why he was still running, and he answered from the heart, he would say...
"It's a great way to fill the day. Without it, I'd have nothing to do. With it, the days are jammed with things that look important. They're not, but they look that way, and that's good enough for me. See, when I get up in the morning now, I come downstairs at whatever Four Seasons I'm staying in for free or on 'The Campaign' or paid for by the loans everyone knows I'll never pay back, and when I get downstairs there are twenty or thirty reporters waiting for me. Someone on my staff hands me a cup of coffee, just the way I like it, and a bowl of melon balls -- I miss the donuts, but you know all about that -- and they ask me questions and I get to use hunks from my speech or let my fancy wander about Iran, and the economy, and life in general, and no one interrupts, and they write down what I say. Then, I'm whisked away in a Town Car with ten Suburban's behind us to a junior high or a factory or a bridge club and everyone there fawns over me and smiles, and I say a lot of things again, and they don't interrupt me, either. Then, more often than not, people come up to me with moist eyes and thank me for what I'm doing, or say they agree, or just yak. I usually can't tell, really, because there's just so much you can listen to people without tuning out, but who cares? Then there's lunch, and the owner and the chef and the waitress all take a picture with me and insist there's no way I can pay, and we drive off to another event. I hate passing the fried chicken places, 'cause I can't have that anymore, either. Anyway, wherever we go people listen to me and applaud. The rest of the day is like that, and my staff and I will usually gather in my suite after dinner for some Yahtzee. And the next day is the same. So it's all great.
"See, without that I'd have nothing to do. If I leave the campaign, there'll be no one waiting for me downstairs to ask questions. In fact, there'll be no fancy hotels. No speeches, no photographs, no meetings, no teary-eyed hugs, nothing. I'll have to go home and sit around there with my wife, and she's sure as hell not going to bring me any coffee. She's not going to listen to me go on and on about this and that, she's heard it all before, plenty of times, more than she can stand. If I even comment on an item in the paper, she doesn't even look up from her needlepoint, but just raises one hand and opens and closes it in the 'Yeah, yeah, blah, blah' gesture we all know and keeps doing it till I stop speaking. Then I probably have to pick things up from the cleaners or something. Then I spend a half hour or so making faces in the mirror. Then I pretend to be aiming at people walking by on the sidewalk outside. You know. Stuff like that.
"And you want me to go back to that faster than I need to just because I have no chance of winning? Are you out of your mind? The only thing I care about is that for another few weeks I get to strut around and pretend I actually have something to do in the world. What the hell do you think Romney is doing now, counting his money? Posing with those kids? I'll bet that wife of his isn't smiling so much anymore. They've been married two hundred years or something, so she's way past smiling, believe me.
"Anyway, this honesty session is over. I'm running for president, and you can't stop me. I've got three or four places to go today, and then we're flying to Indiana tomorrow, or New Mexico. Hell, I don't know, who cares? All I know is, it's another day I won't be sitting in my den drumming my fingers on some stupid table my wife got."
YOU AND I ARE FLAWED, folks, but we have our jobs and our passions, and we create or sell, or watch the tube, or go to little league, or out with our friends. And if we ever went to someone's house for dinner and broke our leg, the last thing we'd want to do is stay with them. We'd want to go back home immediately.
Look for Mike Huckabee up in a booth on TV in a few months after he's finally called it quits on the campaign. CNN or Fox if he can swing it, but he'll take MSNBC or C-Span. Then maybe his own show, if he has enough juice.
There's always the Food Channel.
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The sad truth is that, like so many politicos, besides having nothing else to do, Huckabee has lost touch with reality. He's surrounded by sycophants, who also have nothing else to do, and who are telling him he has still has a shot, that McCain will stumble etc etc
I HATE the GOP.
With that said, Huckabee is positioning himself to be the leader of the conservative movement from now till 2012 and/or 2016. When we will be faced with the same thing we faced in 2000 with GWB?
He might become a formidable foe in the future? By not quitting or giving up, he can use this strategy for his future campaigns. I can hear him now...
"I will never give up the fight!"
"I have fought for your values to the bitter end"
"I am the candidate you would like to take communion with"
"Blah, Blah. Blah"
But as MacArthur said....
....I will be back!
Come on, now. Just because there's a snowball's chance in hell of Huckabee getting the Republican nomination doesn't mean he should give up now. We all know and have seen stranger things happen (though it probably won't in this case). Besides--and you overlooked this--should he give up and go back to doing nothing, he's sure to fall off the Weight Watchers' Wagon and blow up to even bigger than he was before. No, Huckabee *needs* to stay in the race, for his sake, and, slightly possibly, for ours.
Schmuckabee does indeed have something to sell - two things, actually. JeeZus and himself, Mike Huckabee. His entire goal in life seems to be selling his religion - that's what evangelicals do. After that, he'll be aiming for a life spent running his mouth. Oh, wait a minute - he already has a life spent running his mouth. Well, he'll want to run his mouth in more prominent places at higher pay. While he's at it, he can go back to Job #1 - selling JeeZus.
BTW, Ralph Nader also has something to sell. He's selling Green, and he's selling product safety and consumer rights, etc. He could have done a lot more good if he had jumped in and supported a progressive candidate from the start (Kucinich, Edwards). However, even if you love what Nader is selling, you must remember that he is indeed selling something.
Such is life.
Hilarious Larry Miller lines from "Best in Show:"
"I'll gouge your right eye out with my thumb, I sh*t you not, you little freak!"
"He hit a gargoyle on the way down and this guy gets his head caught in the gargoyle's mouth. The head [snaps fingers] pops off like a grape. The body continues to spin down like a whirl-a-gig. When they hit, everything pops out. It's like a piñata. The intestines, like they're spring-loa
let people have choices untill it is all over with. i cant stand these people who have to decide that no more choices should be allowed. they can all go kiss my a$$
Good idea. And after they do it, slap them, ok?
Quite a difference from some of the years he spent as governor. At one time, he wanted to build an "escape ladder" in his office closet so that he could get to the floor below and leave the capitol without encountering the press. He's very thin-skinned and defensive when confronted with criticism and has a huge sense of entitlement. Y'all can have him!
I just had to jump in here to say that Larry Miller was one of the most influentual comics that I followed in my formative years. Between the four stages of drinking ("five, if you live in a trailer park"), the holiday feast ("on his sixth beer, me father would turn to my uncle Roy just to say, 'You know? I never liked you'), the skiing trip...oh, just so many awesome memories. Thanks, Mr. Miller. I wish you were out there more.
You are absolutely right! I don't understand why we even have elections any more. The corporations and mainstream media know what's good for us. If we trust them to narrow the field down to two candidates why shouldn't they take the final step and narrow it down to one?
Elections are a total waste of time and money!
While I think Hucklbee has no chance to win, and a bit of a wingnut, he can still run to at least give something of a challange to McCain. He will probably give up in another month as the money runs out, but as the article and comments note, he is gaining visability to help his speaking career and the income from that. I would also suspect he may become a new leader of the religious right, the anti-tax parts of the Republican party and could influence party policy in the future. Sometimes the real power isn't being in an elected position, but rather in the back rooms.
You're exactly right. They're a bunch of narcissists. If they were in any way committed to any of the things they claim to be while on the stump, you'd hear about them between election cycles. You don't. They only rear their ugly heads when it's time to wave their hands, kiss babies and rush off to press conferences.
And thanks for the vocab lesson (synecdoche).
I have a feeling we're going to start seeing that word a lot.
Huckabee was on Saturday Night Live and mad fun of his own ability to know when to quit. I can't figure out what this guy is trying to accomplish
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Bless him. The more he tears down McCain and presents himself as the only choice worth making to the evangelicals, the less of a chance McCain will have in November.
Plus, he won't back out until a voice in his head that he calls Jesus tells him to.
Same here, Ohg. It was funny, but wtf?
Funny. Because these "out of the mainstream figures" are the ones that are the catalysts for real movement by the big players.
"Think about it," all those who pledge loyalty to a mainstream candidate - those candidates are done with. They have nothing they need to worry about except collecting checks and votes. The other candidates represent groups of people that want more, and the candidates comprimise in order to win support.
That's why candidates move to the middle - because all of the partisan people are in the bank. It's those that are uncommitted that have to be won. If you want your vote to matter, support a candidate with a position you like - be one of the groups that the great parties and candidates of "comprimise" are actually comprimising with, rather than a cheerleader for an inevitability.
That's because they have NOTHING TO LOSE. It's easy to say outlandish things when you're never going to have to be accountable to them. I'm waiting for one of these guys to just promise every American $1 million if they get elected.
Uh the point is to be able to wield some power both in the party and nationally over time for some end - the end is different for each candidate. But I really doubt any of them are doing it in order to win the office they are running for... Nader for example has always described his candidacy as a candidacy of dissent and thereby overtly attempts to compell candidates of both parties to adopt enough of his platform to defuse said dissent. I think it is clear that Huckabee wants to become the face of the socially conservative GOP and a major player in the years to come, not President in 2008. Edwards is a thousand times more important than he ever would have been as an Ex-Senator having run and collected a group of delegates - Edwards now, at least temporarily, has an "Edwards Wing" of the Democratic Party. See? The explanations you people offer for what is so obvious makes me lose faith in the citizenry of this country.
Huckabee is in the campaign to up his speaking fees (that's actually what he does for a living). Aren't you Republican? If so, isn't that the sort of entrepreneurial go-getter-ism you guys eat up?
....so she's way past smiling...
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