THE BLOG

How to Avoid Toxic Relationships That Go Nowhere

02/24/2015 08:56 am ET | Updated Apr 26, 2015
Education Images via Getty Images

Do you have a friend who tells you she repeatedly meets men who seem initially exciting and interesting, but turn out to be losers? "They are either drunks, liars or cheaters." Or, do you have a friend who tells you: all he seems to date are women who are "gold-diggers," only interested in his wealth. Unfortunately, more and more people find themselves in disappointing, and even harmful, destructive relationships.

Why is this? The answers may lie in their astrological birth chart. Some people are born with a horoscope that gives them a predisposition to "subconsciously" attract unhealthy relationships into their life. They seem to have a magnetic compass that draws them to abusive or codependent relationships. For example, one person (or both), in an unhealthy way, is psychologically dependent on the other person who might be engaged in some type of self-destructive behavior.

If you know people who have this relationship experience, it may be based on the way Neptune affects them, especially when this planet is transiting their 1st House of Personality, the 5th House of Romance, the 7th House of Partnership, the 8th House of Transformation, or the 12th House of Secrets. When it comes to love and romance, one of the dangers of Neptune's influence is that it can cause a person to be attracted to unhealthy relationships where they deceive themselves about the person they are in love with; or even the nature of their relationship.

An analysis of the person's birth chart often indicates where their problem originates. What's revealed is that they are pre-disposed to attracting unsavory characters who they are destined to have an unhealthy relationship. In some cases, they have an addictive attraction to people who will abuse them. I call this pre-disposition: the "bad-boy" or "bad-girl" syndrome.

The Attraction to the Bad Boy

This syndrome may manifest in the chart of the woman who comes from a traditional family where manners and moral upbringing are stressed. But, unfortunately, she finds most "nice" men (that her parents would approve) uninteresting, boring, and "too white bread." Instead, she's excited and fascinated by a man of questionable character especially if he appears fascinating and mysterious. Some women are even more bewitched if the man seems dangerous. There's something forbidden about his character that makes him very captivating.

This "bad boy" is fascinating to her for his rebellious ways, and devil-may-care attitude. (And, if her parents would disapprove - finding him socially unacceptable in some way, so much the better.) He may be devilishly handsome with a charismatic personality that says, "I do what I want and I get what I want."

Or, he may be intriguing because he lives a carefree life, unconcerned about society's approval. She's so charmed that she ignores all the "red flags" that should give her pause: he seems to enjoy drinking a lot; he gets familiar and talks about sex right away; he's changed jobs often and is currently unemployed; he's 35 and still living with his parents.

This woman's attraction to such a man may be even darker. She may become engrossed when she hears that he's dropped out of school or had some trouble with the law or is unconcerned that he can't seem to hold a job. He may have an exciting sexual charisma or just appears a bit freaky. In some way he's a "bad boy."

The Attraction to the Bad Girl

This syndrome may also manifest in the chart of a man who has a history of being attracted to unhealthy relationships with women. He may be so desperate for love and acceptance that he is vulnerable and often captivated with women who are likely to treat him abusively. For example, take the man who perpetually feels used by women who seem "only interested in his money." His low self-esteem and need for the approval of others, causes him to be solely interested in women who are physically attractive. He wants a "show piece" so that others will admire him, thus he can feel better about himself. He looks for glamorous women who focus on their looks, wear expensive clothes, and are materialistically oriented (like he is). It is no wonder they are interested in his wealth since that's what they value most.

Then, there is the man in his 50s, with a history of disappointing relationships, only wanting to date women in their 20s and early 30s. He fancies himself youthful like Peter Pan, ageless (as well as clueless). He often complains that he feels taken advantaged when these young women eventually leave him for a relationship with a man closer to their age, with whom they have more in common.

This syndrome also causes unsatisfying romances for people who find themselves attracted to a romantic partner they can't have. It's as if their romantic interest comes alive because the other person isn't available or interested in them. For example, the woman who spends two years going out with a man whose behavior clearly shows he's not that "into" their relationship. Her low self-esteem causes her to feel she doesn't deserve more. Neptune's placement in her birth chart gives her a propensity to deceive herself, so she ignores the many signs of this man's lack of serious interest in her. Her Neptunian delusion prevents her from seeing the reality that she is only having a one-sided relationship with him.

This negative Neptune influence can keep a person trapped in a self-defeating behavior pattern that results in repeatedly experiencing disappointing relationships. Such people never seem to connect the dots as to why this pattern repeats itself so often.

How to Avoid Unhealthy Relationships

Look for warning signs and red flags that tell us we are about to engage in an unhealthy or toxic relationship. Be careful of becoming involved in dependent relationships, where either partner, views the other as a savior. Avoid a romantic relationship with someone who has an addiction to drugs, alcohol or any other addiction such as gambling, food, work, shopping, television, religion or pornography.

These are all "tells" that must not be ignored. Neptune's influence can heighten one's sense of compassion, causing them to want to "save" the other person. That's why it is important to put energy into a healthy relationship with an equal partner. Don't make the mistake of falling in love with someone's "potential."

A person can heal themselves so they can enjoy the love of a healthy romantic relationship but they have to be willing to set boundaries. This requires that they are very conscious, grounding themselves in reality even though they would prefer "to stay in the clouds."

If a person wants to stop attracting abusive and unsatisfying relationships into their life they must recognize that when it comes to romantic relationships, they are prone to fantasy, delusion and self-deception (and the deception of others). It's just another facet of their idealistic and romantic nature; and their tendency to not be realistic. They need to be conscious that this makes them vulnerable to attracting unhealthy relationships.

When this person meets a romantic prospect who interests them, they must make sure to discuss the positive qualities they are looking for in a healthy relationship; and, then, pay attention to the responses they get. It's equally important to discuss the qualities they consider unhealthy. Pay attention to these responses as well. This exchange will give them insights as to whether or not they are likely to enjoy a healthy, satisfying romance with the other person.

Keep in mind, it's not necessary to "vomit" on the other person about one's past relationship disappointments. It only makes the person sound like a "loser!" To stop ones' negative relationship pattern: Don't play the victim. I remind clients: when you think of all your bad relationships: the common denominator is you. Admit that you've made some bad choices. Today is a new day. You won't be making these bad choices again.

Most importantly, one must trust one's intuition. If a person meets a "bad boy," or "bad girl," don't waste your time - move on because you can't change them. As a healthy person, recognize it's not your job to do so. If one is not sure whether it's a healthy relationship, go slow in dating and really get to know and trust the person

My final advice to clients with this issue: if early warning signs tell you this person is wrong for you, exit the relationship, immediately. No more contact. Then after you've done this, look in your mirror so you can see what a healthy person looks like. You are that healthy person! You can break your pattern of having unsuccessful relationships if you commit yourself to these simple tips.

Find out if Neptune (or other transits) are affecting your relationships by going to the Free Transit Calculator and entering your birth date. And, if you're curious to learn more about your personal Horoscope in 2015 and what it says about your love relationships, career, investments and health: Order your customized Report: Your Horoscope & Future in 2015.

Larry Schwimmer is an astrologer in private practice. For private consultations on your compatibility with someone, contact him at: Larry@astrodecision.com or go to www.AstroDecision.com

Read Larry Schwimmer's latest books, What the Hell is Going On in My Life? Using Your Birthdate to Find Answers About Relationships, Career, Money, Sex & Health;and How To Ask For A Raise Without Getting Fired - And 24 Other Techniques For Resolving Conflicts At Work & In Life; and Winning Your Next Promotion In One Year (Or Less!).

To Sign-Up for Larry's Blog, click here

For more by Larry Schwimmer, click here.

Larry Schwimmer is president of Astrodecision.com, a San Francisco-based consulting company. The firm uses planetary cycles analysis to counsel individual and corporate clients on picking the "best dates" to make successful decisions of all types: personal, marketing, financial, and political. The firm currently advises a diverse client base that includes politicians, presidents of major corporations and an MLB baseball team. Schwimmer is an internationally known business consultant, life coach and astrologer (with a Fortune 500 M&A background). Visit his website: www.astrodecision.com