What is it that keeps us working so hard for the friendships and intimate, love relationship that we so desperately desire?
Over the years I have witnessed hundreds of women who are working harder than ever at friendships and relationships that are depleting them of energy, enthusiasm and inspiration. And yet, despite recognizing that these relationships are exhausting and exasperating, they continue to try harder to do more, be more and say more.
At some point, the exhaustion, frustration and depletion becomes more than they can bear and something momentous happens, changing the relationship forever.
Perhaps it is an affair. That becomes the catalyst for the ending of a marriage that was not healthy to begin with.
Perhaps there a fight of epic proportions for which things are said that can never be taken back.
Or perhaps there is silence. A silence so great that the hole that is left creates emotions that will take years to heal.
By the time this happens, the wounds are so deep and so painful; they require extreme care to heal. And usually, the relationship can't recover from them.
Divorce is often the result of what is not said and done, rather than what is said and done; although many would argue differently. And by the time a woman comes to me for support, it is hard to get clarity around what she really wants to say or wanted to say or wishes she had said.
The same holds true, by the way, for friendships. There are often parallels between what happens in divorce and what happens in the demise of a close friendship.
Why is this?
Well, if we aren't saying what we really want and need to say, our partner/friends can't hear what we really want and need them to hear.
It is not much more complicated than that.
Here is the simple truth. You don't have to be, do or say anything special to be loved. Nope. You just have to be YOU.
Honest you.
Authentic you.
Compassionate you.
Loving you.
Direct you.
Kind you.
Beautiful you.
YOU...are enough.
You don't have to buy sexy clothes. You don't have to prepare fancy meals. You don't have to clean your house top to bottom. Nor do you have to sacrifice your goals, your dreams, your desires or your interests to express your love and devotion.
You -- the raw truth of who you are -- is perfectly enough.
Love is meant to be shared, from the inside out. It is not meant to be earned, bought or judged. It is simply meant to be felt and shared.
When you find yourself in a relationship or friendship that is causing you to work hard to do, be or say anything that doesn't feel authentic to who you are, it is time to come clean. It is time to say what needs to be said and allow the relationship to grow -- or fade.
While this is not an easy thing to do, it is what will lead you to freedom.
Freedom to be the YOU that you are meant to be!
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Again, the message of loving yourself enough to view the relationship honestly in order to make positive changes is a great one - so important.
Why is it that we continue in relationships and friendships that don't make us happy?
When one does shopping therapy, we ask ourselves, do we need it or want it? Usually we will walk away from the purchase realizing that it is a want and not a need. So why is it so much more difficult with friendships and relationships? Most people have that NEED to be WANTED! In relationships these are intertwined and therefore more difficult to separate.
But if you act as if everything is about you, and if you don't compromise any of your desires in order to satisfy at least some of the desires of your friend/partner/spouse, then you aren't likely to have very many long-term relationships other than professional ones.
He marries hoping she wont change...she marries hoping he will.
Nobody is happy if "mama" aint happy
These sayings speak to alot of truth. Guys have historically been the one responsible for creating a life for the couple. So to admit to failings in that life was to admit he was failing. Well no more! Insist that the relationship is a two way street w/ BOTH perspectives being considered. People are responsible for their own happiness, stop shouldering all of it yourself.
Instead, they expect their spouses to perform that important function. You could argue that in the absence of self-acceptance, self-approval and self-love, it's difficult or perhaps impossible for another person to adequately fill the lack.
Expecting someone else to accept you because and, at the same time, in spite of the fact that you don't accept yourself, approve of you when you don't approve of yourself and love you when you don't love yourself is placing a tall order on someone else. This demand, in fact, possibly improves the likelihood that a relationship and a spouse will prove unsatisfactory. It also possibly instills the desperate neediness that causes a person to try to maintain a relationship that they are profoundly sabotaging by demanding that it replace a lack of self-acceptance, self-approval and self-love.
Tip: If you find yourself saying or thinking something like, “I must be a good person because he loves me” or “The fact that he doesn't seem to approve of me enough makes me feel bad about myself,” then you need to raise a big red flag.
Do not ever give another person the ability to control the way you feel about yourself.
You're right that we have to be able to accept, approve of and love ourselves, but it is a lot harder to do those things when the one you're with doesn't accept you and approve of you and love you the way you are. If you don't have that from the one your're with and you stay with them and keep trying to earn these things rather than putting your foot down, you'll always be a failure to them and probably to yourself too.