5 Reasons To Stay With The Person You Love

One of my favorite quotes about love and marriage comes from Oscar Wilde: A Man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her. While that saying makes me laugh, Wilde is also getting to something important: Marriage is tricky. And in today's society where the martial woes of everyone from the Sanfords to Jon and Kate Gosselin are headline news, we are presented with every reason in the world to give up on our relationships -- and fewer and fewer reasons to stay. While researching my most recent novel, I sat down and spoke to women, men, and married couples about why they do stay. And, sometimes, why they wished they had. This is the best advice I've found.

1. Love is a decision

Watching Governor Sanford stand up over these past weeks and speak about how he found his soul mate in his Argentinean lover reminded me of something Pema Chodron, a Buddhist nun and author, wrote about Sweat Lodges. She wrote that the only way to be in a Sweat Lodge -- to experience all that it brings -- is to sit far from the exit. Because if you sit too close, you will find a reason to use it. The same is true of any long-term relationship. If you decide to look for an exit, you will always be able to find it: whether it comes in the form of another lover, or another life. But the couples I spoke with who decided to commit to their marriages and relationships -- to be present for them, to help them grow more sacred -- told me that they were immeasurably rewarded for that decision. The more committed they grew to their marriages -- the further they sat from the exit -- the more joy and peace they found there.

2. There is No Weakness In Forgiveness

I'm not happy anymore; or I'm disappointed; or I have doubts. Three familiar catch phrases that free us up to not work to bring a relationship back to a positive place. In fact, we are conditioned these days to believe that the brave thing is to move on when the honeymoon is over. But that very standard makes it hard for any long-term relationship to survive inevitable disappointments. While some would argue that it is brave to pick up and start a new life when a relationship begins to ebb, the truly brave thing -- the hard and valuable thing -- is to figure out how to find a new flow together. As one couple, who is happily married after 40 years together, informed me, "The most invaluable gifts come on the other side of the bad periods. If we hadn't forgiven each other for the hard times, we never would have experienced such good ones."

3. Someone New Won't Be New For Long

One factor is consistent in all studies of marriages and long-term relationships: A main cause of divorce and separation is infidelity. Those that stray (statistically, women as much as men these days) cite many factors as reasons: a breakdown in passion, a breakdown in communication, a breakdown...

But statistics also tell us that the chance of a relationship born from infidelity being successful is less than 1 in 100. Less than 1%. More often than not, the best thing someone new has going for him or her is being . . . new. And, once they aren't anymore, you are left in an even more precarious position. Whoever you choose -- it always comes down to one thing. How hard are you willing to fight to make the relationship work? How easily are you willing to give your relationship away?

4. Often the Person You Are Running From Is You

Surprisingly, of all the reasons couples gave me for why they chose to end their marriage or relationship, the loss of love or mutual friendship was often notably absent. It often came down to something else: the desire to start a new life. To not grow old. Or, at least, to not feel like they were. It is difficult to stay with the person who knows you best when you don't like what we see in the mirror. It may be easier to blame your partner than to take a hard look at yourself. But, at the end of the day, it isn't your partner's responsibility to change your self-image, or to fix your self-doubt. It's yours. And, if we want to like ourselves better, running out on a person who likes us the way we are isn't a wise starting point.

5. You Don't Need A Reason

Like anything worth having in this life, marriage and long-term commitment are hard work. Sometimes knowing that can be enough to help us not pick at the scabs while they are healing, to not make things worse as opposed to letting them feel better. As a lovely couple in Seattle Washington reminded me, things will feel better. "Be good to each other, be patient. If you allow it, love always lives through that."

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Comments

[LoudmouthLime]

Divorce may not be practical in these economic times. Divorce may have never been a financially sound decision. But staying in a relationship that erodes ones' mental health and is miserable is perhaps less "practical" and maybe even more costly for all involved in the long run.

[BookQueen]

I think we are not realistic enough about how awful divorce really is. Economically it's just a stupid thing to do, like dropping out of high school. Emotionally it is not a magic solution to your problems and you probably won't end up happier. If you have kids, you have to keep dealing with your partner, it's just harder to do. Step-families don't really end up blending. Kids don't do as well, and some of it is the economics. New relationships don't necessarily work out.

There are marriages that need to end, but anyone who can go back and try a little harder should do it.

[LoudmouthLime]

"5 Reasons To Stay With The Person You Love" are only 5 and may not be enough reasons to resuscitate a dying marriage.

If you truly love someone, no reasons are necessary.

[BookQueen]

I think this attitude about love is unrealistic and harms people. Even if you truly love someone, you can go through hard times. Staying together and doing the hard work of a relationship pay off.

Love is not just a magic feeling. It's also what you do. Nor is being in love enough to make you be good. People are human and they don't always want to be good.

[rlugbill]

Thanks for the post. There is wisdom in tradition and in commitment and we have lost it.

People throw away other people like they throw away old clothes that don't fit any more. People are not meant to be thrown away.

In learning to love another despite their faults, we also learn to love ourselves despite our own faults. If we move on because of some fault of the other person, we never learn this lesson.

Thanks for this wise post.

[itolduso]

I think it's a 'memory' issue..... often, our memory works too well at remembering the bad things.....every slight, angry word, forgotten anniversary...it's far too easy to keep those little 'cuts' fresh & painful. For over 22 years my man and I work to remember the good stuff.... the 'electricity' of our first kiss, dancing together, the water balloon fight in our first apartment (the memory a blurr of uncontrollable giggles and passionate wet kisses) When people live together, day in and day out, as long as we have, of course you get on each other's nerves, you get mad and argue over things big and small....but it's hard to stay mad at someone you love when you can remember why you first fell in love and every single joy since. Those are the things worth keeping.

[bambi6]

Laura: I recently read The Divorce Party and thoroughly enjoyed it. Thank you.

Even though my ex-husband and I split up over a year ago (after 20 years of marriage), I still feel that I'm new to this single life. There is a part of me that feels like I'm still in shock. My friend told me that you need to allow one year of recovery for every seven years you were with that person. I don't know where she got that formula, but I guess that means I'm almost half way there. I'm in no hurry, but when I hear news about my ex moving and buying a house with his not-so-new (infidelity?) love, I feel a certain impatience for my time to come. Somehow it doesn't make me feel any better to think that the chance for success in relationships born from infidelity is less than 1%.

This post gave me a lot to think about.

Thank you

[loveleadershiporg]

More than a commitment based on feelings - marriage is a covenant. In some cultures, to break a covenant became an act of war. In Nehemiah 1:5, we are told that God keeps His covenant of unfailing love. Numbers 23:19 tells us that God is not a man that He should lie. Keeping a marriage covenant requires two honest people who are strong in their love towards one another, regardless of their feelings.

[billyfromphilly]

Very much agreed with the author here. Our society is so self-serving. And we're told that if something or someone doesn't provide with all of the things that our mind desires at any given moment, that it's perfectly acceptable to push it/them aside and find your new bliss. Sure there are marriages that are truly irreconcilable and should end, but not all of them. Maybe we are too fat, too lazy, too spoiled, too used to getting what we want and not used to working for it. I know I'm all of those things. At least I'm coming to grips with it. I just got married last October and have been working very hard to become a better man, so I can be a better husband and hopefully one day, a good father.

[peterg76]

Marriage is voluntary - people know what they are getting into.