My father never talked about the war. Even when we went to a commemorative event in France where he had been stationed in 1944, just north of Paris. An event with all the pomp and circumstance of town bands, bunting, a mayor's speech and champagne reception, military brass, and the American Embassy attache. Even when we stood on the abandoned A-71 airfield in the countryside, where his planes had taken off and landed. Even as we looked around, with the handful of other American Veterans, trying to figure out where the commissary had been and the tents they'd lived in through the coldest winter in a century, which made my father hate even the idea of camping forever after.
My father was a navigator/bombardier in WWII. With his crew, he flew dozens of missions into Germany. From my mother I learned that he enlisted in the Air Force so that he wouldn't have to see the people he was killing, which he knew he couldn't do. Family lore has it that he ate carrots until his skin started to turn yellow in order to pass the eye exam for the Air Force. At 26, recently married, with a stepdaughter and a new baby, he was considered the old man on his crew.
When I finally got old enough to be interested in my father's life and asked him about the war, he would tell me stories that made him laugh. Stories about the guy who snuck his French girlfriend on base in the back of a supply truck. "He had her living with him in his tent." Until somebody higher up heard about it and sent the woman packing. Stories about the guy who was a genius at "scrounging" stuff. "He could find anything: firewood, food, liquor." He especially liked the girlfriend story. The audacity of it. The refusal to surrender youth and mischief.
Not one word about flying, flak, losing crew members, friends, what he faced every time he climbed into that plexiglass bubble under the nose of the plane, knowing there was no way out for him if they were hit. Not a word about the killing cold they endured at 15,000 feet. When pressed he'd say that he would memorize every map for every mission, so that if they were shot down, they'd have a prayer of finding their way out. I could never bring myself to ask how many navigator/bombardiers actually lived through crashes, as it seemed impossible to me.
My father survived the war when so many others didn't. The mid-range B 26 bomber, the Martin Marauder, was known as "The Widowmaker." But he came home and suffered for years from what was then called battle fatigue, what we now know as PTSD. My siblings remember him waking from his nightmares, screaming. I wasn't born yet, so have no memories of my own. Still, I tried on several occasions to learn more about this time in his life. He would never answer and I found it difficult to press him; it felt like an invasion of his privacy. I look at pictures from those years and can see the hollows under his eyes, his clothes hanging loosely on his shockingly thin frame. My brother remembers my mother saying, "The fellow I married didn't come home from the war."
It was 2002 when all the surviving airmen who had been stationed in Clastres received an invitation from a group of French citizens to a memorial and celebration of those who had served in the war. My father was 84. I asked if he'd like to go, and if I could take him. He surprised me by saying yes. He had never belonged to the VFW or to the American Legion. It was only at this point, very late in his life that he was moved to revisit his past.
We would fly to Paris, visit Normandy and the landing beaches, make a circuit of the Somme River Valley, and end our trip in Clastres for the commemorative events.
I thought to myself: Now. Finally. We will talk about these things.
At the American cemetery in Normandy other visitors realized that my father might be a veteran. Several approached him eagerly, wanting to ask him about the war. His answer was always the same, as he looked out over the rows and rows of graves: "Nothing like this should ever happen again."
In some ways, I know now, I was hopelessly naïve, wanting my father to "share his stories." The gut-wrenching truth, something that any soldier will tell you, is that you can't talk about it. For several reasons. First, for my father, a desire to protect me. Second, the minute you make it a story, you've started to lie; you have to choose a point of view, embellish, or leave things out. Third, anyone who does go on and on about what happened, probably wasn't there.
You'd think that would be that. My father's privacy respected, my curiosity put to bed. Instead, it has been like any family secret, growing more and more fascinating the longer it remains out of view.
Why else have I written about war so extensively, from so many points of view? Yes, I've been inspired by peace activists and yes, I'm fascinated by history in general and the history of war in particular. But I know it's the emotional hook that keeps me coming back to to excavate these stories and finally, in my first novel, to write directly about a father gone to war and the effects of the war on those left at home.
My father is gone now. I have my parents' letters from the war years, a flag, a few issues of Stars and Stripes, a linen map. As I hold the letters in my hands, potent reminders of my parents' hopes, their fears, their voices, I try to imagine my way into the heart of their experience, and through them, into the lives of all families sacrificing a loved one to a war. Even if they come home, we now know, they will be forever changed.
This Veterans Day, as I think of my father, I am grateful that he taught me such a profound respect for quiet. In the midst of excited children, waving flags, the sound of marching feet and high school bands, I will find myself thinking of my father's silence, both its limitations and its extraordinary strength. He showed his devotion not by spilling his secrets, but by shielding me from them. In addition, he sparked a lifelong curiosity and empathy. He gave me the most profound gift you can give a writer: he taught me to pay attention to all that is not said, to be alive to the mysterious silences that surround us. And he inspired me to try to give voice to that silence.
At some point this "uncle"'s story became a part of me and I wrote a screenplay about him. I found my inspiration from his medic's armband I found in an old trunk. The drops of blood..I wondered whose lives my uncle had saved and cry that no one could save him. It breaks our collective hearts that 18 Veterans commit suicide every day. Evil must be stopped; but war should not be a business.
In Valor Known
In tribute and reverence stand we
Held our right to be free
Hearts and souls in valor known
Right intention and devotion shown
Battlefields of victory and plight
Through all beheld freedom's light
Others before us in peace they lay
And gather in gratitude we this day
Sons and daughters, husbands and wives
Children of purpose have given their lives
The breath of freedom an endowment divine
Bequeathed to life yours, life mine.
Rose Marie Raccioppi
Poet Laureate
Orangetown, New York
Yes, if we did not love Freedom, it would not be worth fighting Wars.
I admire and pray for combat Veterans, everyday, we have many where I live, they are all Heros
in my mind !
They do not want to talk about it all, it upsets them, deep inside, why raise all the conflicts and
pain ? The Human Mind would rather forget, rightly so !
Kiss and Love your Veteran, they deserve it !
I wouldn't want to recall an image like that either, even if it does go a long way toward explaining why war is so horrible.
I know all this because of newspaper articles about him from a proud, small New England town. But I did not hear any of it from him. And now that he is gone all I have are the photos and the newspaper articles.
I do remember being so fascinated with his flying (which continued after the War and I got to go up with him a number of times), that I wanted to be a fighter pilot, but he told me to forget it; I needed glasses in early grade school. His far vision was still 10/20 even after he needed reading glasses at 70.
Even though he never talked about it, the War is one of the things which most defined him for me--both positively and negatively. When I read a story like The Great Santini, I know what the author feels like in a very personal way.
I think of my father often, but today I am thinking of him in the ways about which he never spoke.
It was not until I became an army nurse during VN that I understood what they meant. Some things cannot be put into words. Just too much.
I am grateful to all who serve, have served, and their families. The military is a family affair. It affects each profoundly.
Thanks for your contribution. Your papa would be proud.
Cara
Joy your way, and poppies, too,
Cara
Heidi
Many thanks for your generous sharing. I understand not only your words, but the space in between, having served in VN nursing. I thank you for your courage, respect you for who you are and your willingness to be present having been through so much. Your son is very fortunate to have such a papa. While my father tried to 'tell me' when I was young similar details from his experience, there was a sad and quiet place in him, after WWII that he said must remain silent. I did not understand until my own experience years later. Surely what we witness is impossible to translate, for then, the words betray the experience in the silence too often.
I salute you for being true to you. No wonder I am a fan!
Peace be with you and yours,
Cara