OMFG! Madonna and Guy are Divorcing?!

Who would ever have thought that the marriage wouldn't last?

I mean, I saw Truth or Dare -- you know, that documentary that had cameras following Madonna around during her Truth or Dare Tour, allowing us to take a peak at her relationships with her dancers, her then boyfriend (Warren Beatty), her fans (including Kevin Costner, whom Madonna dissed for calling her show "neat"), her family and even her throat doctor. And, alright, so maybe Madonna didn't exactly come off as particularly down-to-earth. But even so, who would have thought that Madonna might be a bit of a handful? Who would have thought that she would fly her blueberries in from Canada? That she would put an embargo on sugar, dairy and Christmas in her household? That she would sleep in plastic (as claimed by Britain's the Daily Mail)? That she would schedule sex with her husband around her (extensive) gym workouts?

Apparently, not Guy Ritchie. People magazine reports that "for Guy, being with someone like Madonna was, quite simply, draining".

Well, I never.

Sarcasm aside, I have to say that as I read the reports of the marital spats between the Queen of Leotards and Fishnet Tights and her Britalicious Moviemaking Boy Toy, what I am impressed by is, quite frankly, the sheer ordinariness of it all. Viewed through my eyes, which is to say, the eyes of a woman who will have been married for 15 years come January 2009, the dirty laundry being hung out on the line by Our Lady of the Sinewy Arms of Steel and Mr. Lock, Snatch and Two Smoking RocknRollas appears to be, well, downright banal.

Let's review the facts.

First, we hear reports romantically linking Madonna and Alex Rodriguez. We hear that maybe A-Rod believed that Madonna was his soul mate (awwww!). After denials are issued, we then hear that A-Rod and his wife are divorcing. So, let's see: married woman steps out with younger athletic type who thinks he has found his soul mate in her; there are children are involved, and people are outraged. Change the names, and this could have taken place in my own little leafy suburban hamlet (and in fact, it did, and more than once, so there's that).

Okay, so then, denials aside, we begin to hear murmurings of marital unhappiness in the House of British Accents Either Real or Acquired. Seems that one of them is away on business an awful lot. And how come it seems like we never see them together anymore? She drops hints at work that things might not be going so well at home. He's hanging out with his coworkers more and more. Eventually, our suspicions are confirmed: the marriage is dead, and they've agreed to divorce.

Wow. That could be the couple down the street from me. Or it could be a James Taylor song. But so far, I see nothing out of the ordinary.

Soon we begin to hear the nitty-gritty details of the marital demise, which, I suppose, are supposed to shock and appall us. Except that they don't shock and appall me at all except insofar as I kind of (sheepishly) see not a couple of crazy show business types, but maybe...cough...myself. For example, Us Weekly reports that Madge would berate Guy with comments like, "I should have married someone like me: strong, hot-blooded, intelligent, ambitious, spiritual." Seriously? If I had a nickel for every time I've griped to my husband over the past 15 years that "I should have married someone who......" (and you can fill in the blank with "appreciates really expensive shoes" or "wants to buy his wife diamond earrings" or even "does yoga"), I would definitely have at least, well, a couple of nickels.

Sad but true: It's what married people do when they fight. Sometimes we say mean stuff to each other. It's not pretty. But is it news?

"Their fights would often get heated. A few times Madonna slapped him or poked him," the Us Weekly report continues. Okay, well, no one slaps anyone in my household, but I won't lie: I've definitely done a bit of poking at my husband when he's pretending to sleep and I really really want to get in the last word about something we were bickering about earlier. But who hasn't?

Us also has a source that claims that "Guy called her old, fat, ugly and wrinkled and said that she was stupid and couldn't sing,". Okay, now wait just a second there. I'm sorry, but I just cannot get past the idea of Guy calling Madonna fat. This is Madonna we're talking about. Remember her? She looks to weigh about 90 pounds, including the lace-up boots. I keep trying to believe that anyone could ever call her fat. But it just seems so implausible. Certainly, it's not anything that my husband would ever dare to even think to say to me, and he doesn't even have to worry about me pummeling him with my arms of steel, since I don't have arms of steel. But I do assume that in many ordinary marriages, insults are hurled about, and regrettable barbs are launched.

But here's the thing that makes it all make sense, that makes it all so unsurprising, that makes it all so incredibly predictable and ordinary: If Guy called Madonna fat, then it shouldn't have surprised him that she scheduled sex with him around her workouts at the gym, as has been reported. And why would Guy care if she wasn't having sex with him spontaneously or often or even at all? According to the U.K. News of the World, Guy compared sex with Madge to "cuddling up to a piece of gristle."

Frankly, after eight years of marriage, three kids and two busy careers, I think Guy should have been happy that he was getting "any" at all. And actually, considering that Madge is a hard-working working mom, I think it's kind of sweet (sticky and sweet, even) that Madonna even made the effort to pencil sex into her crazy schedule. I know plenty of wives who wouldn't even bother. So, really, if there's anything extraordinary about this tale of marital dreams dashed, that just might be it.

Comments

[egghumor]

Wickedly hilarious! Lauren, your writing is sublime!
Like most common folk on the planet, I'm going through some seriously tough challenges in my life at the moment. Lauren's post was such wonderful refreshing diversion from all the doom and gloom. Brava!!!

[CaliGal2008]

Well, you obviously have a thing for Guy Ritchie and, well, I don't blame you. I do think there are things we can all learn from these oh-so-expected celbrity divorces. (Does any celebrities EVER stay married?) I actually found a funny article about "what not to do": http://www.bettyconfidential.com/ar/h/a/a02396.html
But the net of it is, if you are famous and are in the spotlight all the time, your marriage is probably not going to work out. Because at the end of the day, you care more about keeping your celebrity going than making your relationship work.

[idealskeptic]

I love your post, Lauren! I have been guilty of reading all the tabloids about the divorce. I know half of it probably isn't true. And I really probably have no right to know what the truth is. But it's still interesting to read. The way you summarized everything is exactly the way I see things. We want our celebrities to be more than ordinary but, save for a few hundred million of dollars, they are very much ordinary.

[marignymitch]

You think this is ordinary? What about her next divorce (and you can bet there will be one)? Will that be ordinary too?

[Lauren Cahn - Huffpost Blogger]

Ultimately, it is just an ordinary story of two humans whose relationship failed. What IS extraordinary is the unbelievable optimism inherent in any celebrity marriage.

[antaeus]

Like Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward?

[cyguy]

Why would you say such a thing? She waited 11 years to get remarried and has been with Guy Ritchie 9 years. It doesn't appear she is someone who takes marriage lightly.

[antaeus]

Well, to be fair, given the insufficient amount of time she devotes to these formal commitments, it can also be said that she doesn't take it seriously, either.

[cyguy]

Lauren- I am very disappointed in your post. Aside from you obvious dislike of Madonna, you do seem to be relying on the tabs for your info. Do you believe everything you read in the tabs?

Everyone that even follows Madonna a little knows she trains like a gymnast does for the Olympics before a tour. She almost always loses a good amount of body fat in the process. After the tour is over, she puts the weight and more importantly, the fat, back on every time. She really is much much softer in person than she appears to be in photos. I was lucky enough to see her front row and she is remarkably feminine in person. And very beautiful. She has porcelain skin even if it is helped by botox and fillers. Its still magnificent for a 50 year old woman. Her body is outstanding when seeing it in person. Awe-inspiriing.

There is no way she is using steriods. That is ludicrous. She is too much of a health nut to do that. She does shoot B-12 everyday though.

[Lauren Cahn - Huffpost Blogger]

Lots of folks speculate about Madonna's use of performance enhancing drugs. It's unsubstantiated, absolutely. But people do wonder because it seems implausible that someone of her age, no matter what her level of physical activity, can build that much muscle and have such tight skin. It's a sad reality of estrogen loss in female aging that that sort of muscularity is seldom seen in someone who has reached M's age. Of course, exceptions make the rule. So who knows?

[cyguy]

She is just 50. If she were 60 I would agree. Since she has kept herself in such great shape for so long, I don't think its that hard to maintain her body with her workout regimen and her diet. Plus, like I said, she always gets her "fuller" body back after touring. Seriously, up close in concert and those that have met her in person, she is not even remotely as muscular as her pics make her out to be.

[bethonna]

Madonna has a full-time job. Guy works off and on. Madonna may lead a life of luxury but she has never lead a life of leisure. I wonder if Madonna had been a pro golfer would we complain if she golfed all day? She is an American women who moved to England and embraced her husbands culture for love, family and marriage. I never ever got the feeling that Guy was willing to spend an equal amount of time here in the states. Lack of flexabilty on both sides is clearly a factor. Madonna has always had a very public professional life and a very private personal life. The idea of putting the screws to this women must be so irrestiable to his legal team. She is going to bleed and it is going to hurt EVERYBODY. So sad for all.

[expanse]

What? You believe things written in a tabloid? OMFG is right.

Steroids? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Have you seen her in person? I saw her in concert, up close, and she is not even close to being as muscular in person( or as skinny) as pics make her out to be.

GMAFB.

[Lozange]

Guy is notoriously homophobe by all accounts, especially that of the other oversexed (and gay) Ciccone Christopher, and Madonna meanwhile has slowly become a man whether it's from the rumoured anabolic steroid use or something else, nevertheless her jawline and anything below her waist points to a masculine transformation. I'm guessing he just can't get it on with a man! And it's true, it is banal, as she has become. Aside from ripping off Kylie Minogue's style, it's still not enough to make her a femme again.

[Lauren Cahn - Huffpost Blogger]

Wow...good analysis! To be absolutely banal and derivative, I shall give your comment a big, rousing, "Me likey!" I thought I was the only one who noticed the testosterone scent coming off of her jawline (and brow, perhaps, as well?). I wouldn't be surprised if there weren't just a bit of some roid rage coming into play in the fights. But then, that wouldn't be exactly banal. It WOULD however be more appropriate for the sports news.