Yoga-Speak For Dummies

Have you ever taken a yoga class, only to walk out bewildered at what the teacher was trying to say? And I'm not talking about what she/he was saying in Sanskrit. That part, you understood. It's the English that threw you. Do you have "yoga friends" on Facebook? Friends you met in yoga class, maybe a yoga teacher of yours, or two? Have you read their updates and wondered, "Um...what?"

I can help. As a practicing yogi but lapsed yoga-fanatic, I have the inside line, and I'm not afraid to tell it. So here goes, Yoga-Speak translated:

1. Yogi says: "Mercury is in Retrograde".

Yogi means: "I can't get my crap together. I'm going to be late for all my appointments and forget to pay my bills for an unspecified period of time. And I am not going to take responsibility for it. Rather, I am going to blame it on the planets. And now you can too!"

2. Yogi says: "My biorhythms are off."

Yogi means: "I am feeling rather grumpy today. In fact, I kind of hate the world. No, make that, it's a damn good thing I don't have a rifle and work in a post office. But la la la, I'm a yogi, and I can't cop to that kind of negativity, so I'll just blame it on something cosmic and pray that no one knows what I'm talking about."

3. Yogi says: "As my eyes are opened to the Truth that is around me, I accept with equanimity the absence of Justice but keep my focus on breath so that the source of Love will nourish me.

Yogi means: "I hacked into my girlfriend's email account and found out that she's cheating on me with some fat-ass lawyer. Screw em. I've got 25 hot young things waiting for me in my next class."

4. Yogi says: "Don't worry about what the pose looks like."

Yogi means: "You really look like an idiot trying to do that pose, and I'm only speaking to try to keep from laughing."

5. Yogi says: "Don't worry about how deep into the pose you get. It's really all about the breath."

Yogi means: "I am totally lying. When I do this pose, it's all about how deep into it I get. If I can put my legs behind my head, I consider it a good day. If not? I sulk and deprive myself of dinner."

6. Yogi says: "Don't let anyone steal your energy."

Yogi means: "I am distracted by my student who has hopped up into a handstand even though I told the class to wait for my go-ahead, and it's pissing me off that she won't do exactly as I say. Bitch! I hope you fall on your face!"

7. Yogi says: "I just love my live, raw, vegan diet! It puts me fully in touch with my body and the connection between nourishment and the attainment of enlightenment."

Yogi means: "I am incredibly psyched that I dropped 10 pounds last month by eating nothing but lettuce and mung beans, and now my size 2's are falling off of my skinny ass!"

8. Yogi says: "I keep death close to me in spirit all the time so that I can fully appreciate the miracle that is life."

Yogi means: I am having some pretty serious anxiety issues lately.

9. Yogi says: "There is no ailment that yoga cannot cure."

Yogi means: "There is no medical ailment that yoga can cure, but you'll figure that out on your own. I hope. Meanwhile, I'm off to the plastic surgeon to get my Botox. Can't very well be teaching yoga with frown lines, right?"

10. Yogi says: "I would practice yoga even if there were no physical benefits."

Yogi means: "Which way to the gym?"

Comments

[ErinTM]

This must be Westchester speak. You certainly are distracted, aren't you.

[Lauren Cahn - Huffpost Blogger]

Hilarious, Erin!!! Thanks for the giggle.

[Lauren Cahn - Huffpost Blogger]

I think a lot of yogis THINK they are supposed to speak this way.

[Lashanna Small]

I feel sorry for you guys. If this is what your yoga teacher is saying, they must be a real jerk. You need to change teachers!!!! I am a yoga teacher and I don't' say half of this stuff and the things I do say definitely don't translate into the statements the author is making.

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[Owlygirl]

You're fun-nee! Very creative.

I really enjoyed the laugh. Thank you!

[Yogacharya Michael]

Yeah ... that's the new-age yoga speak alright. In a way, it does seem a bit like they're all on some kind of positive affirmation / self-therapy drug. You know, I've spent years studying yoga in Inida, and I never hear Indian yogis talk like that.

Our yoga teachers need to "get over" their "new age spiritual conditioning" and get on with yoga.

Here's another article with funny definitions of some of the modern yoga lingo too:
http://www.discover-yoga-online.com/yoga-terms.html

[Lauren Cahn - Huffpost Blogger]

Confession: I was the yogi who was not listening to the teacher's instructio­ns...and suddenly, her stand-up routine (which is what it sounds like to me) veers into "Don't let anyone steal your energy" teritory..­.I stifled a giggle and kept my legs firmly up in the air...:)

[TJMcFisty]

Funny! Thanks for the laugh, Lauren. Relieved I've never heard anything like that come from my yogi...exc­ept maybe the bit about going deep into the pose but she's careful about going past my edge not about breath--well, unless she doesn't hear anything and then it's "Don't forget to breathe."

Stealing energy sounds like Chicago-style Yoga from the Big Gay Sketch Comedy Show...whi­ch I can't find for some reason otherwise I'd share it.