Are you having trouble getting your lovebird to step up?
NEWSFLASH! The typical male has no reason to believe that being an indefinite boyfriend is actually a problem. And it isn't, for him. Men can have children when they're 60! What guy wouldn't want to keep the audition process going as long as possible if they thought they could get away with it? Men love No Time-Frame Dating because if you fall for it, they don't have to worry about competing for you with other (hot) men. When you don't set clear limits up-front, they get the luxury of taking you out of the field and keeping you in "audition mode" indefinitely. No-Time-Frame Dating allows men to date you, have sex with you, be monogamous with you, and still never marry you. This is how we let men take minimum risks, while receiving maximum pleasure.
If you keep winding up on your knees instead of the other way around, read on...
The Secret Bargaining Power of Your Exclusivity
Imagine you owned a lovely home on a piece of prime real estate. You watered the lawn, manicured the bushes, painted the interior, and put it up on the market. You'd never sell it at a rock bottom prices, fearing that no one else would make and offer. Instead, you'd wait for decent offers from multiple buyers, and only close the deal when you got the proposal that you really wanted, maybe for even more than you wanted.
Unless you have severely undervalued your hot property!
Reality Check: The smart Romantic Researcher always applies the seller's market theory to her relationships.
Question: Would you only show your property to a buyer who wasn't sure he really wanted to live there? Even if he said he liked it, even loved it, but wasn't quite ready to buy right now (because he secretly thought that he'd find something better)? And while he was "finding himself and "figuring things out," you agreed to refuse to take bids from other buyers. Instead, you put the property on hold for him indefinitely, let him live in it for free, gave away your cats because he was allergic to them...and slept with him, too!
If this sounds familiar, you've probably fallen for (and into) the terrible time-wasting trap of Serial Monogamy.
Serial Monogamy definition: v. You voluntarily commit yourself to a string of relationships that fail to yield long-term commitment, marriage, or family. You unwisely agree to open-ended monogamy in the hopes that men will step up if you just love 'em enough. This is like offering men an uncollateralized loan of your emotional capital. You agree to take yourself off the market for a man who's not ready to fully commit to you because you're either:
a.)Having amazing sex with him, or
b.)He mentioned that he wanted to get married "someday" when you both went hiking.
You hang in there until you realize that you're wasting your time, and then do it all over again, with someone new.
Romantic Rule: Always pre-qualify your Lovebirds to see if they have a real emotional investment in your relationship before taking yourself off the market, and get rid of the one's who're just browsing!
Healthy relationships are mergers between two partners whose terms should be negotiated up front. In days of yore, marriage was a looked upon as business contract between two families. Thankfully, our fathers don't have to bribe men with dowries to marry us anymore. Now they're supposed to commit to us for free, (for the love of us). When women don't speak up, they passively supply what men want, by default.
So if you keep winding up on your knees instead of the other way around, you're probably using the outmoded On a Wing and a Prayer Man Plan:
On a Wing and a Prayer Man Plan definition: v. You cross your fingers and just go with the flow, in the hopes that things will magically work out if you leave things up to chance, (AKA your boyfriend).
Reality Check: When you refuse to speak up, it'll only be the luck of the draw if you find a man who's emotionally mature enough, reckless enough, or psychic enough, to provide exactly you what you want. That's why it's so important to know exactly what your dating requirements are, and communicate them in language even a man can understand.
Mantra: Negotiations begin today!
Excerpted text from Dating Mating and Manhandling- the ornithological guide to men.
By Lauren Frances, Ph Double D. Founder of the Institute for Romantic Research.