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Lauren Kirchner Headshot

How Huckabee Will Spend His Time Now That He's Dropped Out of the Race

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1) Put those dimples to use as a greeter at the local Cracker Barrel.

2) Grow a beard and get really fat again? Because, like, why not? Right, guys?

3) Start out on lecture tour entitled "How to Win 8 Primary States with a Small Staff, No Money, and the Desperation of a Morally-Vacant and Quickly-Dying Political Party."

4) Go visitin' out back with the in-laws, grillin' crayfish and corn around a burning tire.

5) Get those bass lines tight for the debut gig of new band, Mike and the Murdered Unborn Children of God.

6) Track down that janitor with a wheelchair-bound-wife who gave $20 to the campaign. Ask him for a job.

7) Stand outside Lorne Michaels' window at night with a boombox in the rain until Michaels gives him a regular spot on SNL.

8) Prank-call the White House red phone at 3 a.m. to see what President Obama says when he answers.

9) Continue his recurring role in all of my creepiest and longest-lingering nightmares.

10) Go back to school; major in math.