How I'm Celebrating Michael Jackson's 50th Birthday

1. Shopping for tuxedo jackets and pajama pants
2. Climbing a tree in Central Park; buying it (the park)
3. Writing a sweet, sad song of betrayal entitled "Martin Bashir"
4. Giving birth to some kids that are biologically unrelated to me
5. Dressing up as an Egyptian princess and then dissolving into a pile of sand
6. Buying out the theater for Peter Pan on Broadway; taking all my bodyguards to see it
7. Moonwalking on a ferris wheel with my pet giraffe while twirling a parasol and singing nursery rhymes
8. Installing a combination Ms. Pac-Man/Sno-Cone Machine in every room I enter, all day
9. Listening to Off the Wall again and feeling bad about writing this list
10. Taking a look at the man in the mirror