I awaken to another mythical day, waiting for my alarm clock to break out in song. It snores instead. Nothing has changed. I'm still on unemployment time, caught in the weightless zone of a daydream where time moves like a Wiffle ball. "What day is it?" I ask my dog lying next to me.
This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.
Winter 2009
I awaken to another mythical day, waiting for my alarm clock to break out in song. It snores instead. Nothing has changed. I'm still on unemployment time, caught in the weightless zone of a daydream where time moves like a Wiffle ball.
"What day is it?" I ask my dog lying next to me. She doesn't know either. I discover the answer after I climb out of bed and stagger down the hall to the office, my daily workout. The wall calendar never lies unless I forget to change the month. It's January -- no February -- no March. And it's Monday, a.m., not p.m., a reliable source (the clock) tells me.
Time to start slogging through the job sites online.
My first job-ops sweep targets office assistant positions within 15 miles. Nothing. I widen the search to 20 miles. Nothing, then 40 miles. Still nothing. 2,000 miles later there appears to be a job in Quebec, though the commute is a bit of a schlep from Connecticut and requires a visa.
Advertisement
Another website looks promising. Lots of jobs posted here, but in a strange dialect. Oops, it seems I've drifted off to Belgium. I'll send a resume anyway. Maybe I can telecommute with a translator. An idea so far-fetched, my brain and computer freeze.
Seconds pass before I receive a last transmission from my thoughts. "You must reboot!"
I hit Ctrl, Alt, Delete -- then nothing, but a dark computer screen. Am I dead? I see a light.
Don't go into the light!
It's just the monitor. Thank God, I'm alive and back in the motherland.
I cyber-trot over to Yahoo and scroll down the page. There's a job 40 miles away if I can speak Spanish, French, and Pig Latin. My Pig Latin is good, but I'd rather not interact with hogs. My French is pathetic. I only know several words, and I'm pretty sure they're obscenities. I can speak Spanish well enough to order lunch at Taco Bell.
Why aren't there any jobs that require fluency in English? A skill I rarely use anymore.
I ask The Google to find career sites with endless opportunities and end up at the red-light district on Craigslist. Another waste of Wiffle ball time I fear. But then my fingers screech to a stop at a headline that screams, "SUPERHEROES WANTED!!!"
I step into the interview chamber inside my head and face an imaginary recruiter.
ME I'm here about the superhero job.
RECRUITER I see your resume includes leaping tall buildings in a single bound.
ME Well, I did work for the Daily Planet for two years.
RECRUITER Then you left because of -- acute kryptonitus?
ME Someone put kryptonite in the Cremora. After my third cup of coffee, I couldn't reach the penthouse bathroom in a single bound.
Advertisement
RECRUITER But I requested an interview based upon your experience in leaping tall buildings in a single bound.
ME Your building isn't that tall. I could probably leap it in two or three bounds.
RECRUITER That's not acceptable. The job requires superhero expertise.
ME Please, I need this job. My cape and mask are on layaway.
RECRUITER Too bad you dropped out of Superhero School.
ME But I've got x-ray vision -- which also works as a microwave.
RECRUITER I'll keep your resume on file.
She laughs as flames shoot from her fingertips, torching my resume; the ashes float into an urn that sits on a credenza.
I exit the interview chamber.
--- This is an excerpt from my unpublished memoir, Pitfalls and Pratfalls: In Search of a Paycheck, on how a quirky, fifty-something gal overcomes the pitfalls of today's working world to find a job that fits her skewed expectations of a "normal" office.
Earlier on Huff/Post50:
6 Things You Should Never Wear To A Job Interview
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.