THE BLOG

How's Your Sex Life?

05/31/2013 06:04 pm ET | Updated Jul 31, 2013

I'm about to bring up a subject matter that is still in this day and age considered taboo. Even to audiences of 18 and over. Ready? Here it is. I want to talk to you about your sex life and how to make it better. It starts with opening your mouth. I'm talking about communication.

Are you in a committed relationship right now? How is the sex? Good? Bad? Blah? If you were going to rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10 to include frequency, intimacy, passion and just overall satisfaction and freedom. How would you rate you and your partner? Do you feel safe to talk about it? Does it get better over time or become more boring. If you asked your partner what would they say? Do you even want to know their answer?

By not sharing your real thoughts about your sex life with your partner, you may get stuck in a pattern of resenting, lying, or concealing the truth to your partner. This can negatively impact a person's emotional well-being as well as slowly erode a couple's relationship over time. You don't want that. Let me help you create a better sex life between you and your partner.

Do I have your attention yet? Come on, don't be embarrassed. I mean, people ask for exactly how they want their Starbucks coffee every day. Grande nonfat, triple shot, no foam latte with a Splenda. You can order that from a stranger but won't say a word to your partner about what you want in the bedroom. Let's change that right now.

This is what I want you to do: You and your partner sit down together and rate your sex life. Don't worry, I'm not talking about criticizing each other or passing judgment. It's about seeing where you both are on a scale. You have to know where you are before you can figure out where you want to go. And it is my intention to help you immediately get your rating up on that sex scale.

There is a rating scale from one to 10: One equals poor and 10 equals mind-blowing. You and your partner will rate three major aspects of your sex life, one at a time. After rating each area, you will write down a brief explanation of why you rated that area the way you did. Once you're both done with the three areas, you sit down and discuss them together.

Sex Rating Scale

1) How well do we talk about sex with each other?

Many people are uncomfortable talking about sex with a partner, specifically if it involves discussing what they like or don't like. By rating this area, you and your partner will see where you both are on the scale and can explain why. "I rate this a three. I'm embarrassed to talk to you about sex so I always joke about it or go mute." When you both know where you stand and why, it will help you understand each other better, allowing you to be more open when communicating about sex.

2) How do you feel about how frequently we have sex?
This rating is an objective way to look at a subjective issue. You are rating how you feel about how often you and your partner engage in sexual activity. You are not rating the actual frequency itself. For example, you might rate it low because you believe once a week isn't enough when your partner rates it high because they think it's the right amount. Again, after reading your responses aloud to each other, discuss how you feel about what you have revealed and what you have learned. Then move toward what may work for both of you.

3) How is the quality of our sex?
This area is rated last because it's the most sensitive area. Although, you and your partner are probably better at communicating about sex at this point and should be open to discussing this area. This area can lead to some real revelations. For instance, you might discover that there's something you do with your partner, which you thought they enjoyed, but they don't. Also, in this area, you may discover that you and your partner agree on what isn't working but had never discussed it (ie: getting bored with the same sexual position). Often, after discussing this area, couples start to become more excited and creative. Knowledge is the key to progress and success. When you know what's working or not working, you can fix it.

After rating the areas and discussing everything with your partner, look at your ratings as a tool for you and your partner to talk about making positive changes in your sex life. It's your job to be creative and figure out a way to boost your ratings in the three areas. This part should be fun. It's like you are creating a new game. What do you want it to look like? How often do you want to have sex? Make a weekly sex promise. Come up with ideas to have sex in other areas of the house other than the bedroom or throw some romance into the mix.

Keep an open mind about your partner's ideas. If you are open then they will be open as well. This allows you both to feel safe when talking about your sex life. Also, remember a healthy relationship involves an element of compromise. Ultimately, you may not end up with exactly what you want but I bet it will be more than what you have right now.

Lastly, make sure you both keep track of your ratings. This isn't just one conversation. It's ongoing. As your ratings go up, you'll want to come up with new ideas to improve your scores even more.

Having a rating of 10 in each of the three major areas would be something worth striving for, riiiiiiight?

Love,
Lauren

P.S. If you're interested in taking your relationship to the next level, join us for Calling All Couples teleseminar on Thursday, June 6.

For more by Lauren Zander, click here.

For more on conscious relationships, click here.