"This groundbreaking new brand of memoir will be centered on the fourteen most critical and historic decisions in the life and public service of the 43rd President of the United States." - press release announcing George W. Bush's forthcoming book Decision Points
1. Choices: Name my dog Spot, or name her something else.
Decision: Named my dog Spot.
Outcome: Good! Another example of my knack for clever nicknames.
2. Choices: Pick someone to be my vice president or ask Dick Cheney to pick someone to be my vice president.
Decision: Asked Dick Cheney to pick someone to be my vice president.
Outcome: Good! Dick Cheney picked himself to be my vice president.
3. Choices: Pretzels or Fiddle Faddle.
Decision: Pretzels.
Outcome: Bad! Choked on a pretzel.
4. Choices: Ad lib at press conferences, or stick to the script.
Decision: Ad libbed at press conferences.
Outcome: Bad! Sometimes the thinks I'm tonguing conflounders my speak.
5. Choices: Pronounce "nuclear" noo-klee-er or noo-kyuh-ler.
Decision: Pronounced it noo-kyuh-ler.
Outcome: Good! Either pronunciation is correct--I looked it up at the liberry.
6. Choices: Read the President's Daily Brief entitled Bin Laden Determined to Strike in U.S. or skim it.
Decision: Skimmed it.
Outcome: Bad! Meant to read it, but I wasn't done with that Left Behind book yet.
7. Choices: Keep reading The Pet Goat or react to the 9/11 attacks.
Decision: Kept reading The Pet Goat.
Outcome: Good! Those kids sure liked that goat.
8. Choices: Invade Iraq or don't invade Iraq.
Decision: Invaded Iraq.
Outcome: Meh.
9. Choices: Let them hang "Mission Accomplished" banner or don't let them hang "Mission Accomplished" banner.
Decision: Let them hang "Mission Accomplished" banner.
Outcome: Good! That way people would think the mission had been accomplished.
10. Choices: Hold hands with King Abdullah or keep my hands to myself.
Decision: Held hands with King Abdullah.
Outcome: Bad! That crazy Arab wouldn't stop texting me!
11. Choices: Call my education reform bill "No Child Left Behind" or call it something boring.
Decision: Called it "No Child Left Behind."
Outcome: Good! That Left Behind book was a really great book.
12. Choices: Say Brownie was doing a heckuva job or say Brownie was blowing it big time.
Decision: Said Brownie was doing a heckuva job.
Outcome: Bad! Laura says heckuva isn't even a word.
13. Choices: Look deep into Vladimir Putin's eyes at his soul or keep my eyes to myself.
Decision: Looked deep into Vladimir Putin's eyes.
Outcome: Bad! That crazy Russian wouldn't stop texting me!
14. Choices: Write a book or just wait til the movie comes out.
Decision: Wrote a book.
Outcome: Good, except I can't call it Left Behind.
15. Choices: Focus on fourteen critical decisions in the book, or leave the number vague.
Decision: Focus on fourteen critical decisions.
Outcome: Bad! I could only think of fifteen.
See also: The Doggies of War