Could Transformative Mediation Help Your Marriage?

As a divorce lawyer and divorce mediator, my divorce clients describe problems that led to the failure of their marriages. These problems seem to be universal. There might be anger and frustration about sharing household duties and creating income for the family that finally caused a breakdown. Some marital failures were a result of concrete problems relating to livelihoods and financial security. Other couples report problems associated with lack of time, diverging interests, in-laws, difficulty with children. Whatever the problems are, at the end of a marriage the spouses no longer want to live with each other.

We take our divorcing clients' problems seriously and respectfully. But when asked, most divorce lawyers and divorce mediators will tell you the same thing: In most cases, if their divorce clients had addressed their problems a year or two earlier with the proper help, their problems could have been resolved.

This vision has motivated many of us divorce attorneys and divorce mediators to begin working in the area of "marital mediation," in which we use mediation as a way to help married people improve their marriages and avoid divorce.

How can mediation help a marriage?

Here is a pattern that we often see divorcing clients complain about. The husband may be the primary bread-winner. The wife complains that he spends too much time outside the home and doesn't adequately participate in home life and with the children. The husband is under a lot of stress at work and is exhausted when he returns home. The wife is exhausted with child and home care, and may also be working outside of the home.

When people think of mediation, they think of "traditional" mediation. In this type of mediation, the mediator focuses on helping people come to an acceptable agreement, usually written. It is a solution-oriented process. The mediator focuses on resolvable issues where agreement can be reached. It is the type of mediation often used in workplaces and with divorcing couples. Because it is results-focused, the roots of the problem are not addressed. When used for divorce mediation, this can be appropriate because the couple has decided to end their marriage, and not deal with the reasons for the breakdown.

Another type of mediation is "transformative" mediation, which can be very helpful in ongoing marriages. Transformative mediation does not necessarily seek to resolve an immediate problem. It is a free-form process that does not immediately narrow its focus to try to seek solutions or agreements.

The transformative marital mediator helps guide the clients to talk and think deeply about issues that are troubling them about their marriage. These are often issues that the spouses cannot meaningfully talk about themselves because they are emotional issues. Talking about them always seems to be a replay of anger, and nothing seems to improve.

When spouses discuss difficult issues in front of a third-party neutral mediator, things are different. Just by having a third party present and listening, the parties are better able to express themselves without interruption and without argument. The mediator can guide the discussion to keep it respectful, open and on track. This process can help the clients clarify the nature of their problems and better understand and respect the views of their spouse. With understanding, a range of options for minimizing conflict becomes more apparent.

The mediator does not provide counseling or give advice, but the mediator does view the exchange and give feedback. This by itself is very helpful. The mediation can help eliminate patterns of conflict, reduce negative thoughts and reframe interpretations about motive.

The mediator can give the party feedback to their communications and whether there is miscommunication and lack of understanding. Part of the work of the mediator is to identify the underlying issues in the conflict or discussion. These may be issues that are not recognized by the spouses themselves, even in a long-term marriage. Having a third party identify issues makes it acceptable for the spouses to openly discuss the issues. The mediator can lead the spouses in a productive discussion and how it may relate to their marital conflict.

Transformative marital mediation can be seen as a place for full discussion, active listening, being receptive to the other party's point of view, and being heard, understood and acknowledged. When marriages do not work out, it is generally lack of acknowledgement and understanding between the parties that is the core of the failure. With an increased understanding from transformative mediation, spouses can begin to solve their problems, reduce their conflict and have a happier marriage.

If you would like to locate a marital mediator in your area, search "marital mediation" and your city or state, and you will find mediators who work in this area of practice near you.

© Copyright 2011 Laurie Israel.

 

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Comments

[CaosAlan Sharland]

10:05 AM on 04/24/2011

It interests me that mediation is so often categorised into different 'types' when it is actually a process for supporting anyone with a difficulty whether post separation or during a marriage or in any of the other areas in which it can be helpful such as at work or in complaints resolution. Auldphart's comments indicate his is a relationship that works and so may not seek mediation. It should never be about 'telling' you how to raise your kids or communicate etc. It is only called upon by people in situations where they don't manage to work it out themselves, as support. But as a mediator I'm still not there to solve any difficulties for participants, but to provide an opportunity to reflect on what's not working if they seem to have got in a rut, and support their creativity towards finding better ways of dealing with things. My parents often fell out as Auld suggests he does but I've realised now that they were able to get through it even with their arguing. Many people have relationships where the problems escalate to violence both verbal and physical and so mediation can help where they are not able to deal with the falling out in a way that is sustainable in the relationship. I'm always a little saddened by the need to add the name 'transformative' to mediation as if it is the only type that is not focused on neat written agreements rather than genuine resolution of difficulties.

[Max Rivers]

10:09 AM on 03/22/2011

I've been doing what I call Committed Couples Mediation for 10 years now, and I couldn't agree more with this article. I've helped hundreds of couples on the brink of divorce. The focus of my practice (and this answers the question "How is this different from counseling") is to teach couples conflict resolution skills, specifically NVC: Non-Violent Communication. Because mediation is a present-time focused process, we don't go dredging up painful history, and as a result the whole process takes between four and six sessions. It's our experience that most of the 50% of marriages that end in divorce are with the right person, they just don't have the necessary skills to communicate across the differences which are inherent in all marriages. At Two Rivers Mediation, we teach those skills, and couples, even those who were separated, can quickly learn how to create win-win solutions in situations which seemed hopeless, just weeks before.

[Auldphart]

05:09 PM on 03/21/2011

My God, how did my wife and I manage to make it for the last 29 years without some "expert" to tell us how to raise our kids, relate to each other, solve problems, communicate honestly and in general actually work to stay to together rather than running to the nearest relationship guru du jour for help?

I was a widower with two kids, my wife was a divorcee with two kids and we created a blended family and somehow managed to put all four of them through college. We've been retired for several years. You think marriage is hard when one or both is out of the house at a job? Try being around one person essentially 24x7x365. It doesn't matter how much you love each other, you're going annoy the hell out of each other from time to time. If you can't stand being pissed off from time to time at the person whose bed you share or have them be pissed off at you, you're better off never getting into a relationship at all.

Now I know why my wife and I can afford to be retired. We didn't waste all our money on relationship "consultants" of any stripe but figured out how to do it on our own. We kinda like hanging together. True, she bugs the crap out of me at times and I her, but the vast majority of time things are cool.

Auldphart

[lowery2008]

04:24 PM on 03/21/2011

How is this different from a marriage counselor/therapist?

[Indigo1941]

02:04 PM on 03/21/2011

Once the question of divorce is on the table, is the marriage ever worth saving?

[adrianamediates]

12:01 PM on 03/21/2011

I've heard other's share shaden3 uncertainty about the definition of mediation, if it expands beyond/before the moment of separation - but I think those questions will work themselves out. Everybody benefits from better communication, earlier in the process. Even if the participants do eventually end up separating, the likelihood of amicable separation is so much better if they have already done the work to increase understanding and positive communication. This has tremendous benefits for any kids involved whether or not their parents are living in the same house. And its good for us grown-ups, too. We carry our history around with us - whether or not we admit it - and we want to be able to look back on our lives and feel good about how we behaved, especially through the rocky times! It is never too early to invest in quality relationship.

[jf12]

11:42 AM on 03/21/2011

You seem willing to speak truth. I would guess that "express themselves without interruption" is what you see most of the women do during your sessions, and is also what most of the men complain about. Yes?

[shaden3]

07:51 AM on 03/21/2011

As a practitioner of the transformative divorce and parenting plan process, I'm having some trouble trying to wrap my head around this. So do you advertise separately from the facilitator of a split, but rather one much like a marriage counselor tasked with improving the marriage? I would love to learn more about how this is put out there, under what category in the yellow pages, if you will?