Just two months ago, I shared that someone I loved had cancer. At the time, I was incredibly sad but also hopeful. After all, less than a year ago, at a wedding on August 1, 2015, (from left to right) Annette, our cousin Brenda, and I took this picture together.
On May 31, 2016, my beloved cousin Annette Newman died. She had hoped to live to celebrate her 70th birthday this month and her 50th anniversary in August. I know, life isn't fair, but still.
Annette and I grew up like sisters. We lived together in a two-flat and our mother's were true sisters. But our lives evolved. We moved to different suburbs, I moved to a different city, and we both got caught up in our marriages and raising our children. When I visited the Detroit area, there was never time to see her. I barely had enough time to see my parents, siblings, and nieces and nephews. So our relationship devolved to seeing one another at large family celebrations, but despite this, the bond created in our childhood was always there.
There was another reason we struggled to stay connected: family feuds. So many people I know can never forgive the smallest slight. There are people close to me, people I love and admire, who still carry grudges from incidents that happened so long ago they struggle to remember the details. Unfortunately, my parents had unspecified issues with my cousin Brenda's parents, and in later years with Annette. My mother unfairly blamed her for her sister's, Annette's mother's, declining health and ultimate decision to stop fighting and die. She also said something extremely hurtful to Annette. I will never know what it was. My mother was in her late eighties when she said it and had no memory of saying anything. Annette declined to share it with me.
Precious years were wasted. It was only after my father died and my mother was living alone in a retirement building that I convinced Annette to let it go. Thus, there was a brief period of reconciliation. My mother was thrilled to have her side of the family back in her life. Annette and Brenda spent a wonderful weekend with my husband and me in Chicago. We were planning another one when tragedy struck. Annette was diagnosed with lung cancer in the fall of 2015. The surgery was not successful and the cancer metastasized to her bones. It broke her hip and ultimately her desire to fight it.
It is so painful to let go of someone you love, but the choice is out of our control. I am glad I was able to tell my beloved sister/cousin that I loved her. But that was only made possible by what is in our control - the choice to let go of our anger, harsh judgments, or resentments and forgive.
In my book, I talk about how the concept of grace and forgiveness can impact our lives in many positive ways:
Next time we are hurt by someone, we can pledge to forgive him. Next time we hurt someone, we can ask for her forgiveness. Next time we are tempted to judge someone, we can pledge to find compassion and empathy instead. Next time we are with someone we love, we can pledge to give that love freely without condition. Next time we are with someone whose beliefs are different from ours, we can pledge to respect those beliefs even though we disagree. Only when we all find our personal understanding of grace in our lives and extend that grace freely to the lives of others will we create a more loving world.
I know Annette had many challenges in her life. She found comfort and meaning in her religion. She was a compassionate woman who had a business for many years helping women who had undergone mastectomies and cancer treatment to buy appropriate undergarments and wigs. She enjoyed being a clown at children's events, volunteered at Friendship Circle, and advocated for her adult daughter who has a seizure disorder. Annette was a caring person. Her death at age 69 was truly a tragic loss.
Over the past four years, I have had to let go of my parents and now Annette. But I have also learned the importance of holding on. It is important to nurture the important relationships in our lives, to let go of the petty things that divide us from people we love, and to hold those who have gone in our memories and our hearts.
May the memory of Annette Gayle Schneider Newman be a blessing for all who knew and loved her.
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