How do you respond when a stranger's child is misbehaving in public? In her column Social Changes, Chicago Tribune "life and styles" reporter Alison Bowen asks if it is OK to correct another person's child for misbehaving in a store or restaurant. The answer is that while you probably can't, that's too bad. You have a right to your anger but parents these days would not thank you for setting them straight or disciplining their child. Darn right they wouldn't.
Here's the image that accompanies her column:
Katrina Wittcamp/Getty Iamges
Who wouldn't want to teach that kid and his parent a thing or two?
Ms. Bowen consults two sources to come up with her parent shaming answer: Dr. Thomas Phelan, clinical psychologist and author of the popular 1-2-3 Magic and Jim Fay, co-founder of the Love and Logic Institute.
Phelan's book, first published in 1995, is billed as "a simple and gentle-but-firm approach to managing the behavior of 2 to 12-year-olds, whether they are average kids or special-needs children." It's a one-size-fits-all technique for every child in every situation, predicated on parents' ability to respond to misbehavior without anger or emotion. Dr Phelan is a psychologist who received his Ph.D.in 1970. Lots of folks swear by the effectiveness of 1-2-3 Magic, although I am not overly impressed by Phelan's description of children as "not rational or logical and naturally selfish." He also advises parents and teachers to think of themselves as "wild animal trainers" that use a kind and gentle method of discipline over and over until it works.
Thus Phelan's response to the crying child pictured in the photo is to empathize with the adult stranger having to endure the whining, tantruming, or misbehaving of the kid. But don't bother trying to fix the problem or correct the child, as any parents whose child behaves like this in public obviously lacks proper parenting skills. Basically, he advises the person irritated by another person's child to leave the area until the "troublesome duo" is gone.
Wow. How kind and empathic. Actually, that parent and child don't need a lecture from Dr. Phelan or a copy of his book. Asking if there is anything you can do to help or letting them check out ahead of you might be nice options. You know nothing about this child and his parent. All behavior has meaning but you are a stranger, so you have no way of knowing why the child is upset. Perhaps he has special needs. Maybe he and his mother were up all night. Possibly he hurt himself or doesn't feel well. I guess since the boy is no better than a wild animal, we really shouldn't care.
The second response from Jim Fay is even more into parent shaming. Fay, a former teacher and an expert on parenting, positive discipline, and classroom management for over 30 years, is co-author of the bestseller Parenting with Love and Logic. He provides practical advice for parents, just not for this one.
Fay assumes this parent is one of the "Turbo-Charged Attack Model Helicopter Parents." Thus, even though he advocates things like fostering relationships characterized by warmth and caring, allowing kids to share in decision-making, improving children's' self-concept, and teaching kids how to solve their problems, he assumes the bad parent pushing this child's cart would be unreceptive to advice from a stranger, which is likely true. Like Phelan, he does not advocate a simple offer of help free of condemnation or parenting advice.
Children misbehave in public for so many reasons. They know they have their parents in an awkward position. Whatever method of discipline the parent uses at home will be largely ineffective in a grocery store or restaurant. Counting 1-2-3 in these situations will only work if the child is so fearful of what happens when 3 comes that he stops. If the punishment is a form of time out, should the parent abandon a cartful of food her family needs? Should parents leave the restaurant after ordering the food?
Maybe a better approach is to assume the parent of the crying child is overwhelmed at that moment and needs an empathic smile or a kind offer of help rather than a healthy dose of condemnation and parent shaming. You don't know a thing about that parent or child. Yes, never discipline someone else's child. But please don't share your contempt by rolling your eyes, shaking your head, or muttering under your breath. A small dose of empathy goes a long way in situations like this.
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