There's a part of me that's always been envious of Jamie Clayton, who just made her acting debut on HBO's Hung, playing the transgender character Kyla. I have known Jamie for over 10 years. She was my first choice of co-stars for TRANSform Me, the makeover show I co-produced and starred in on VH1 in 2010. I know I am not supposed to talk about being envious of another trans woman publicly, but it's the truth. You see, Jamie is one of those trans women who, for as long as I've known her, has never had trouble passing as a nontrans woman. This has never been the case for me. When I began transitioning over 13 years ago, I imagined that within a few years of taking female hormones, I would easily pass as a nontrans woman and not be treated like a freak the way I had been most of my gender-nonconforming adolescence. Once I finally accepted the woman I always knew I was, I wanted the world to accept me, too.
In many ways that acceptance has happened, but to this day I can still walk down the streets of New York City and hear, "That's a man," shouted in reference to me. I have walked into subway cars and experienced groups of people bursting into laughter, yelling transphobic, harassing things at me. I'll never forget one of many times that happened. I was coming from a rehearsal with cast mates with whom I was doing a play at the time. I felt humiliated. Once, I was walking with a man down the street on a first date and the people in a passing car yelled, "That's a man," among other things I would rather not repeat. I didn't feel humiliated that time. My date, however, was noticeably uncomfortable. I never saw him again after that night. Over the years I've been told by several men who enjoy having sex with trans women that they would never openly date a trans woman unless she were so passable that no one would ever suspect that she was trans.
I was kicked on the street once after the person who kicked me shouted homophobic and transphobic remarks. My first time in Miami two years ago, everyone told me I should go to a particular club. But when I arrived at the velvet ropes of the club, the bouncer, after checking my ID, which, of course, says female, told me that they no longer allow "people of my gender" into the club. He said that they had had problems with "people of my gender" before and that "people of my gender" were no longer allowed.
I do understand that trans women who pass well also have hardships and experience discrimination. I can celebrate my good qualities, acknowledge the reality that life can be hard for anyone, and still have moments when I feel envious of trans women who pass better than I do. Sometimes moments of internalized transphobia just overtake me. I'm human. In addition to therapy, recently I have been working through my internalized transphobia with my current acting coach, Brad Calcaterra, in his revolutionary class "Act Out," which he designed to help LGBT actors work through our blocks. As a class, we have been exploring, among other things, how internalized homophobia and transphobia develops from us internalizing the voices of our bullies and then turning those voices onto ourselves and each other. Our internalized bullies police behavior, appearance and actions, judging each other as harshly as we've learned to judge ourselves. A really good example of this occurred over a year ago, when a trans woman commenting on a piece I had written said that she wished I would stop calling myself a transgender woman. She said that I will never pass as a woman and that she wished I would just go away. When we police each other's abilities to pass, we are expressing our own internalized sense of shame about who we are. This is just one of many ways our internalized transphobia effects the way we treat each other.
Jamie lived stealth for many years. She didn't have to come out. I know she did it in part to empower other trans women who are living stealth, to let them know they can come out and have quality lives. But I also believe that in the process of coming out, Jamie empowered herself, as well, to fully own every aspect of who she is. Living stealth has never been an option for me. But I love, admire and respect Jamie and other trans women who, after living stealth, have the courage to come out and fully own the trans parts of their identities and histories. The world can be really cruel sometimes. I have often wondered over the years what it would be like to live stealth, to not be subjected to the kinds of harassment, bullying and discrimination I have experienced my entire life.
Sometimes I just want to take a break from being transgender. But I know how truly liberated I feel on those days when I can fully own who I am. Luckily those self-ownership days slowly seem to outnumber the self-hating ones. I still get envious sometimes, but I am slowly replacing the voices in my head, those voices of the bullies and harassers, with voices that celebrate what makes me unique, different and, well, me. Yes, it's so corny, but I don't think we're going to be able to fully come together as a community politically until each of us can confront our own internalized transphobia and how it affects how we treat ourselves and each other. By doing the work to love ourselves more, I believe we will love each other better.
Follow Laverne Cox on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Lavernecox
The hunter went up to him and asked, "What's wrong, old man, are you ill?"
"No, not really," the old Indian replied. "The good dog and the bad dog are fighting inside me," the old Indian said.
"Who's winning? " the hunter asked.
"Whoever I feed," the old Indian replied.
Feed the good dog.
Continue your journey into your own territory.
And just remember - they may be laughing at you, but when they have kids who are trans, it won't be new and strange for them. As much of a curse it is, however you choose not to or cannot pass, you are helping all those future kids who may end up being trans like yourself.
I always think of the Gandhi quote as well:
"First they ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then they fight you. Then you win."
Reading this, I kept reverting back to your avatar with puzzlement. I couldn't believe that such a beautiful woman had suffered through so much transphobia. I then googled you (I had never heard of you before) and was still shocked by the photos I found. To me, I would gender you female if I saw you on the street. I can't help but wonder if it's maybe a NYC thing? Or a large urban area thing where there is more transsexual visibility/awareness? I live in Texas, and obviously being trans down here is less common. I feel like in certain places across our country, places with less awareness, seeing a woman who may be out of typical female range for whichever of her features is not instantly seen as a trans tell. It's a very subjective thing. But overall, I feel like if you don't pass, then a lot of women don't pass, because you are beautiful! Hold your head up high and continue being who you are. No one's comments can bring you down.
Just to be specific - you look like a genetic very beautiful woman. You would never be confused for a man! maybe you were not feeling as confident at the time about yourself? I find that confidence and how you carry yourself has a huge impact on how you are perceived.
This may seem pedantic but I think it's important to call things what they are. As a gay man, one misconception I encounter amongst straight people is the idea that there's some kind of common ground between transgendered people and gay people, other than the obvious grouping together for political organising (which I think makes sense given the types of rights both groups are fighting for). This comes in many forms, including someone trying to set me up with a male-to-female transgendered person (as though a gay man would be attracted to someone who physically identifies as a woman). In fact, gays and transgendered people have very little in common. I think including this article on a website titled "Gay Voices" makes little sense and only serves to further muddy the waters and perpetuate such misconceptions. By this, of course, I mean no offense to the author.
The term "queer" has traditionally been used to group people who don't conform to gender/sexuality norms but, as far as I was aware, "gay" isn't the same type of term. I wouldn't expect to find articles about being gay on a trans-news website, because "trans" is not a blanket term that emcompasses homosexuality.
Does anyone agree they should rename this section of the website "LGBT Voices" ?
You may be trans and lesbian but I fail to see what that has to do with anything.
The author, based on her response to my comment below, doesn't seem to have been offended by my post. Furthermore, she makes an interesting point about how "...historicalÂly and to this day in the homophobic and transphobiÂc imaginary gender identity and sexual orientatioÂn have been conflated." I agree, they have been conflated. In the interests of educating a homophobic and transphobic public, I think the very very least that the LGBT community can do is use correct terminology to describe each other. If we group articles about transphobia under the heading of "gay" articles, we are just perpetuating that definitional conflation which does no good to anyone.
I am a linguist and I insist there is nothing one-dimensional about expecting words to actually mean something. What is the point of calling a website "Gay Voices" if gays are just one of the several groups to which it relates? "Queer Voices" or "LGBT Voices" would make much more sense.
The only people who would think your article related to homosexuality are people who are ignorant of such topics. When we group your article under the heading of "gay", are we perpetuating this definitional conflation?
As I said in my post, I believe that it makes sense for the LGBT community to work together for various reasons and I have no issue with the idea of publications being aimed at the entire LGBT community rather than just one part of it.
My point was simply about terminology, although that hasn't stopped another user from calling me a misogynist. I appreciate your response to my post.
On the other hand if those who have Transphobia read us, then they pull out their MISOGYNY and attack us for not being feminine enough. Every time they make a joke or rude comment about us having big hands, or being ugly, or having thick eyebrows or whatever they do, they are also attacking all women and saying that women's worth is only based on how much we fit a stereotype of the sex object who exists to meet men's fantasies.
Transphobia always seems to be allied with Homophobia and Mysogyny and so no matter what the Transphobes will attack us. For this very reason we Trans Women must ally ourselves both with the Homosexual community, as we have, and with the broader community of women.
I like to make the point that there is no equality in our system between men and women until a person can go from one gender to another without persecution.
I am post op and have been on HRT since the 80's. Many men (and women) have told me how attractive they find me and it is good to hear such complements, but people see what they want to see and someone with internalized issues will often do transference and attack others for having achieved what they themselves fear.
I feel that slowly, slowly we transfolk are getting recognition and I look forward to the day when our human rights are considered as sacred as those of any other citizens. Yet that day is not come yet.
I applaud Jamie, but being a tranniegirl is not for the weak, I have seen too many of my sister's corpses and suffered too much myself, what doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
And it is utterly misplaced homophobia, because for all practical purposes, I'm heterosexual these days! I like men! If you are considered queer for appreciating the OPPOSITE sex, there is no way to escape!
Young transwomen are lucky to have someone like you to look-up to and have as a role model. I'm a transguy, and what you said at the end concerning doing our own work to love ourselves really resonated with me. I know that transmasculine people face different issues and privileges around passing, and we have our own work to do around that, but I think that coming together as a trans community and doing our work to support each other is crucial to move forward in the political arena. Thank you for this article, and for sharing your thoughts and your wisdom. And not that it takes away the hateful things people say, but you. are. GORGEOUS.
-Yuri
I don't know why this part of your column stuck out to me but it did. I feel for you and I also feel for the guy who you were on a date with as well because I have never actually thought about how it must be for this person as well. While obviously finding you attractive and interesting to get to know, he too is made to feel ashamed by society for his attraction. It's a tragedy for both of you and I think this really needs to be addressed more.
I've had more than my fair share of internalized transphobia. Growing up in a religious household, with parents who laugh about their past gay bashing as if it's funny, its par for the course. I wish I'd come out years earlier, and stories about teen and younger trans kids with accepting families make me sick with regret and what could have beens. I just wish I could have heard voices like yours as a teenager. Coming out hurts, getting called names on the street hurts. But nothing hurts more than the pain I inflicted on myself, and knowing that I was ok, that I wasn't a defecting freak, would have spared me alot.
So thank you, Laverne. People like you help everyone who's been where I've been. God bless and keep up the good fight. And, by the way, you've no reason to be envious of Jamie. You're gorgeous! :)
Thank you again Laverne! And consider me one of many friends and fans who'll care when it's a bad day. :)
you see it all the times, most recently i think was in the hang over 2, which took place in thailand of all places. as for those men who have no problem sleeping with transgender folks but would NEVER openly date one, they fear what society would think of them. their family, friends, coworkers, etc. what they might think of it terrifies them. these men have the same issue as you, being comfortable with who they are (a guy whose attracted to transgender folks) and being able to own that to the public eye. much like transgender girls who are so passable they can live in "steath" these men can easily appear totally str8 to the public eye and they too go into "stealth mode".
for these men at least i think it couldnt hurt to have some advocates speaking up for this group of people. letting them know its OK to be attracted to transgender girls. that they dont need to keep sleeping with them in privet, never opening their heart to one as a full spouse. i think they too miss out on happiness and being who they are for their fear of society.