Huffpost Comedy
THE BLOG

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Leah Stern Headshot

Pour Yourself a Drink, Put on Some Lipstick, and Pull Yourself Together: An Ode to Valentine's Day

Posted: Updated:

Co authored by Gina Canoniga

Ahh Valentine's Day: the holiday for lovers. And a holy day for the lovers of love. Today many of you will be giving or receiving outlandish tokens of affection. Oh what the great green dollar can buy -- except, that is, a sustainable blueprint for the 364 other days you find yourself trolling Tinder swiping left when you secretly want to swipe right.

Well, swipe this...

She goes out and spends her last pretty penny on the most figure fitting, boobylicious red number she can find. He throws down his credit card for a non-refundable deposit for a pre-set lovers menu at the trendiest restaurant in town. They indulge on Godiva butter nut crème truffles and toast their unbreakable love, declaring how lucky they are to have found each other.

And the cherry on top? The epic exchanging of gifts. Because nothing says I love you like the reasonably priced $2,500 Cartier Love Bracelet she's been pining over. As Cartier so eloquently describes it, "the Love bracelet is a flat bangle that locks to the wrist with screws."

Lock this? Lock it up! Screw what? Screw you!

Is that sterling silver money clip really a token of her love for him or is it a way to keep his money fastened and tightly spent on her. Does every kiss have to begin with Kay?

Lest these paramores conclude that the rest of us living on planet normal are at home contemplating suicide, let's celebrate the fact that in reality we are brave enough to be selectively single, holding out for the one (or maybe the two.)

Is there something wrong with falling in love every other week?

The great Elizabeth Taylor, herself no stranger to serial loving, summed it all up nicely: "Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together."

With all the hoopla, the truth of the matter is that (a) ladies, you'll be dumped by June as he leaves you for your skinnier younger best friend; and (b) fellas, your money hungry whore will drive your Porsche off a bridge with your beloved Fido in the back seat.

Woof woof, kiss kiss, Happy Valentine's Day!