It's a new school year, which means seeing lots of new faces and faces that I might not have seen in a long time. One such face walked up to me and said the prerequisite "Hello," and before I could even say hello back, she went on to say, "I am divorced." Not the type of hello you look forward to first thing in the morning!
I don't know what it is that makes people seek me out to tell me about their own divorce. This woman had not seen me in years and did not know about my coaching practice or the dating site that I have launched. She did not know that I am immersed in the world of divorce. And, she isn't the first person to seek me out or to introduce themselves to me as, "Hello, my name is divorce."
Why do we identify ourselves by our marital status? I am divorced--twice--but that is not who I am. It helped mold me and shape me into what I am today, but it is not what defines me. What defines me is being a mother, a good friend, a good person. Being divorced is a state that I reside in, but I consider myself "re-singled", not divorced.
The difference is a state of mind that you have about yourself. Don't let divorce define you; let it redefine your life. Allow it to be a jumping-off point for bigger and better things. Re-singled is a word of empowerment, just like redefined. Re-singled is a time of rebirth, and when you are reborn you can define yourself as anything you want. Life is a blank slate and you get to write your own story.
In the grand scheme of life, divorce can be a large hole or a small blip on the screen. It is up to you as to how you choose to define that moment. This is a moment that is frozen in time, and you have time in that moment to make a decision on which direction your life is going to take and which road you are going to travel down. Will you define or redefine?
If you have children, this is an especially important decision. We want to empower our children to believe they can be anything they want to be. The way they learn is by example. If you give them the example that you are defined by divorce and that you are the victim, then that is what they will learn. Show your children that even though your life may take a turn that you never expected, you can rise above it and redefine yourself and survive.
When life takes a turn you have choice--do you define or redefine? You can wear the Scarlet D and wear it proudly, but when you introduce yourself, you want to say "Hello, my name is...," not "Hello, my name is divorce."
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I decided to stop feeling like a victim of divorce when a friend introduced me to her mother saying my name and then..."Her husband left her for another woman," That wasn't what I wanted my name to be, so I stopped feeling and acting like a victim and started living my life.
It's good to make lemonade when life hands you lemons, got it. Try to see the glass half-full, OK. For most people, divorce is a terrible experience - and there' no use putting lipstick on that pig. Describing yourself as "re-singled" doesn't help all that much. Divorce is an unhappy failure. Learn from it, be wiser, move on.
I do want to add that I also have people -- not only people I know but also total strangers -- approach me out of the blue and tell me about their divorce experiences....I've sometimes wondered if I'm wearing a sign -- that I didn't know I'd put on -- saying "Please talk to me about your divorce" but I've come to think it is more because I'm empathetic and people can read this on my face...maybe Ms. Block is also unknowingly radiating empathy...and certainly divorcing people need a lot of empathy....
The only time it makes sense to identify oneself by one's marital status is when marital status is relevant to the situation (e.g., if someone asks you for a date and you're married, your marital status is relevant).
I appreciate what the author says here, about not defining ourselves by our marital status, but I think it becomes very salient in some situations, particularly at back-to-school time. While I realize that the kids who go to school with mine have all kinds of families, what's most obvious and still seems most common is the presence of the nuclear families that include one mom and one dad who are married to one another. When I attend school events I’m particularly conscious of no longer being part of one of those families and I feel like everyone else must be noticing that too. (Of course chances are the other people aren’t thinking about it at all!) Sometimes I have the urge to just say something about it – put it out there so I KNOW people are thinking about it instead of wondering whether they are.
I also think there’s something to be said for “claiming” a divorced identity in the way that people claim other stigmatized identities. I’m not sure why people still assume that a divorced woman is a victim, but I find this assumption annoying and usually feel the need to set people straight. I am a strong woman and I do not feel victimized! www.rearrangingatoms.com
I may not be able to take away your pain or my pain but we can channel it into something positive and productive, and I think that is the message that Lee Block is conveying in her article above. So in this spirit, I continue to work on developing tools for others that they can use to help them navigate their litigation path in the most effective manner that allows them to identify and communicate these destructive and injurious behaviors that result in permanent harm to the children and a lifetime of pain for the other parent. Then the judges can address this in the form of consequences and punishment for the parent that caused the injuries and harm. Once this becomes the standard in our courts, the tactics used by parents willing to harm the children in divorce or custody modifications may no longer be worth it and all but eliminated.
Only then will our children stop being robbed of one of their parents. This is what I believe. Thank you for your kind words and virtual hug. :O)
So many times I have wanted to say "the Doctor is not in " when they start talking about the latest break up or drama in their life.
Of course I am not a Doctor nor would I want to be. You could not pay me enough to listen to this stuff. I have will tell you that our are acting stupid on a heart beat.
My favorite line that has made many think is " I use to know everything but then I had to grow up and stop being a Teenager " . Because so many adult even at 50 year old seem to be acting like lost kids searching for something they missed in high school.