I often wonder why, when two people get divorced, yet parented together while they were married, they suddenly can't parent together anymore. Is the anger so great that one parent can't see past it or around it? Is the resentment so large that the thought of the best interest of the child is no longer important? Or, was that parent always apathetic towards parenting to begin with?
When I was married, I raised my children virtually alone. I fed them, bathed them, read to them, played with them and taught them. My ex believed that because he worked all day, he was just too tired to parent. Now that we are divorced, he has your standard visitation with a few twists, and he still parents the same way. He is uninvolved and only interested in their religious upbringing. Everything else is a waste of time and energy.
Apathetic parenting can go both ways. It is not always the non-custodial parent that is apathetic, it can be the parent with primary custody who is apathetic, but in the end, no matter which parent is apathetic, it only hurts the children, and those children never asked to be in this situation to begin with. There is rarely a good excuse to be an uninvolved parent, no matter what your custody arrangements are.
Not all co-parents are apathetic, but what do you do when you have an apathetic co-parent? No matter how apathetic your ex is, you still do everything to try to co-parent. You need to discuss issues that involve the children, whether it has to do with school or just basic welfare.
When you have exhausted all outlets of communication with your ex, and they are still not responsive to the children's needs, then make the decision yourself.
For instance, if your child needs educational testing, and your ex hears from you and the teachers that it is necessary, but then says the testing will always find something wrong and will hurt the child's self esteem, what do you do? You test your child anyway!
How do you make sure you are allowed to make those decisions yourself? When you have an apathetic co-parent, it is so important to be sure that in the decree and parenting plan it is crystal clear who gets to make the decisions. If these ground rules are not laid out in the beginning, you will find yourself at odds with the co-parent as well as back in court often.
How do you deal with the apathetic co-parent? Whether or not the other parent is involved, you still need to keep them informed. They are the other parent, after all. Be sure, that no matter what decisions you ultimately make, before implementing them try one more time to communicate! If that doesn't work, be sure to let the other parent know all the details of the decision you have ultimately made and the reason why you feel it is what that child needs. Cover all your bases!!
In the end, no matter who divorced whom, if you have children they are who matters. You are not just a parent while you are married to your spouse; you are a parent for life.
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Beverly
www.beverlywillett.com
If only it could...
Sharon
www.brilliantexits.com
A willingness to examine our thoughts and actions objectively, combined with good communication skills and respect for the other parent, are necessary to get through these difficult situations.
Sincerely,
mike jeffries
http://www.afamilysheartbreak.com.
There is never an excuse for a parent to be apathetic towards the children because of anger for the ex spouse. There is never an excuse to not co-parent because of anger towards the ex-spouse. That just hurts the children.
When you were married to someone who refuses to co parent, you must take matters into your own hands and parent yourself. Just because you are divorced does not mean that when you are in possession of the children, the other parent does not exist.
I appreciate your comments, but this article is about parents that don't parent when they have their children and why they don't. I think if your husband is a great parent, then you are one of the lucky ones, and it is sad that you were so alienated by the ex wife. Children can never have too much love.
But, when it comes to being an apathetic parent, you can't force a parent to parent. If they choose to not parent, then you still need to keep them informed and hope that one day they will change and see the light. Otherwise, those parents lose all their children when they grow up.
I have seen it happen with many apathetic parents.
You left out the main cause of apathetic co-parents- parental interference and undermining by the custodial parent, otherwise known by the politically incorrect term of parental alienation. The custodial parent, under the law, runs the show and can use the child as a weapon during and after divorce. For evidence, ask any men's or fathers group around the country or go to a family law court and see who is smiling and who is pounding walls.
The best way to cure apathetic co-parents (the humorously euphemism called "parent in common", i.e., writer of checks for nothing) is to give the co-parent a real role in parenting, one that isn't clearly controlled and limited by the custodial parent. Our present day family law system is adversarial winner take all, so the outcome regarding the non-custodial parent is predictable. Focusing on, or more accurately, blaming, the co-parent should only come after introspection by the custodial parent.
It is apathetic to not take an interest in co-parenting or parenting your children, and I don't believe that men or women become apathetic towards their kids because the other parent has disparaged them. If that is the case, and they do become apathetic due to the other parent, then perhaps it is time to look in the mirror and grow up.
You can have any type of relationship with your children you choose...the trick is to be involved in the first place.
I have come to my own understanding of parental apathy in my situation, anyway. I believe that my husband is incapable of having a relationship with his lover (who actually did alienate her 3 children from their father) and co-parenting with me. It's a conflict to him. So, he chooses the lover. He also knows I'm an exceptional parent (much as you have described yourself) and feels little guilt in his lack of involvement.
Sadly, there is nothing the courts can do regarding apathetic parenting. As a mother, I must continue to be the best I can be and to seek good and helpful support for my own and my children's mental health.
The pain I feel that my children's father has chosen to behave like this is unbearable.
What you have done is what I'm doing (without the book, yet). Finding the confidence and strength to be the one good parent my children have through education of all the issues. Continuing to seek support. Stop worrying. Accept what I can and can't change and figure out the difference. AND take a big, fat Lorazepam whenever I need to 'see' my children's father and his lover at mutual gatherings.
Either way, you are right: bottom line, you have to advocate and act for your kid, regardless of whether it's as a virtually-single mom/dad, or in a stable situation where both parents are active.