This post is mainly for those men who are perplexed at the inner workings of the female brain. These are good men who aim to please, but understand that making a woman happy on any holiday, but especially Valentine's Day, can feel like they are aiming for a moving target.
As a small gift to the male readers out there, I'm going to reveal a few girly tidbits that will make your celebrations go a bit smoother this year.
Should you buy clothing as a gift?
Tread carefully here. I say avoid it all together:
- You are sure to get the size wrong. Too large means you think she looks larger than she is. You can't recover from this. Too small will remind her of all the reasons why she hates her body. On the other hand, if you buy something way too small, it could send the message that in your eyes, she is much smaller (which we LOVE to imagine is really going on in your simple brains). This is a risky one and only advanced-level players should attempt this move.
- Something sexy? Why? Isn't she sexy enough without the item you just bought?
- Workout clothes? Are you kidding me? Do you think she needs to work out? It DOES NOT MATTER that she has been telling you that she needs to work out and wants to buy some workout clothes. Your job is to ignore such nonsense and tell her she looks fine. Just do it.
What about jewelry?
- Diamonds, gold, designer labels... all very expensive. Are you part of the 1%? If the answer is yes, then buy jewelry and you are done. I recommend something from Tiffany & Co. Congratulations you will have a fantastic Valentine's Day. Thank you for reading my blog. Please check back again soon.
- If you are not wealthy, consider what type of jewelry you are going to buy that looks nice but doesn't scream "fake." Oh... she will know and so will her girlfriends. There are some stores with nice jewelry of high quality. If your girl likes this sort of thing, Brighton and Pandora are not cheap but they are trendy, strong, guaranteed and a safe bet. If you buy their "knock-offs" from a large urban department store, she will know when they tarnish or break in six weeks.
- The safe answer with jewelry is: If you can't do it right, don't do it at all.
Food
- Chocolate and other food (bakery treats) is nice but be prepared to be blamed a few days later when she looks in the mirror and regrets it.
- Last year "someone" bought me one of those edible fruit arrangements. These are beautiful arrangements but must be disassembled immediately so they can be refrigerated, and when I found out how much it cost, I refused to eat even one piece. For that money, we could have provided a goat and two chickens to a family in Uganda. In your efforts to please, don't be wasteful. Nobody wants a side of guilt while enjoying smartly carved cantaloupe.
- Diet food? Why? Does she need to lose weight? Careful there...
Gym membership
- You really don't have a clue, do you? Gym membership is never a great Valentine's Day gift. It is something you purchase and drop on the floor and then find and say, "Hey, look what I found! Let's check this out. Hey, it even comes with a personal trainer named uh... Bjorn, who looks strangely like that Beckham dude!"
But not on Valentine's Day. Save this smooth move for March 1.
Message in a bottle
- Aw, that's so sweet. Everyone love a little romance. After she opens it, she'll secretly wonder when you'll be surprising her with the jewelry, chocolate or clothing.
Now that I've cleared everything up for you, you should be good to go. Good luck and let me know how it all works out for you.
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Just for the record, Ms. Kolbert, I got it right this year for the first time in my life with the same gift that Timeoutdad scored with... comfy pajamas. How did I figure out this perfect gift? Easy... she flat out told me what to get her for Christmas and when I saw how appreciative she was for my following instructions, I just got her the same thing in a different color for Valentine's Day... and she was even more appreciative.
Since your stuff appears in the comedy section, I'm sure I don't have to explain more explicitly what I mean by appreciative.