After a weekend spent fighting pirates and coming on the eve of protesters throwing 'tea parties' across the country, President Barack Obama broke from his usually unflappable form by totally and completely losing his shit at a press conference Tuesday morning. The President threw a chair and screamed at reporters, "Am I ten freakin' years old all over again or something? I was elected PRESIDENT not the Arch Duchy of Tweensylvania!!! Arrrrrghghr"
Helen Thomas, who was sitting in chair that Obama threw, was not immediately available for comment as the chair was still in mid-air
The outburst came as the President, after successfully helping the navy men rescue the ship captain from the nasty pirates received word from Defense Secretary Robert Gates that an army of Vikings, dinosaurs, aliens, creeepazoids, zombie-bots, mothmen, stinky mean dogs, and Norm Coleman had amassed at the Canadian border and were promising "to smear" the United States in retaliation for a host of grievances. The unexpected coalition of historical, weird and fictional enemies was the 3248th major challenge that President Obama has faced since entering office
Press Secretary Robert Gibbs held the President in his arms and brought him warm milk in his favorite mug as he addressed reporters, some of whom were still flying through the air. "President Obama has not slept in nearly six days and he's apparent;y the only one willing to clean up after Bo the dog despite repeated pre-dog assurances. He is understandably overtired and cranky," said Gibbs, adding "There, there."
Republicans were critical of the President even though they were unaware of the specifics of what they were critical of. In a prepared statement of criticism released by the Republican's shiny new Crit-o-matic 3000 Machine, GOP officials said "The President apparent;y thinks the solution is to raise your taxes and steal your gun and then tax the gun he just stole and we are not George Bush and also freedom and Jesus. Hoo-rah!"
After a short nap, the President solved everything.