Leading conservative thinkers Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and Joe The Plumber today announced a 700 city "Yapping Tour" to counter efforts by the Republican party to launch a 'Listening Tour.' Joe The Plumber was blunt in his assessment of the GOP's idea of bringing in new voters by trying to figure out why so many voters seem to hate their guts, saying to a group of reporters, "Listening is gay."
Limbaugh said as the three leading conservative intellectuals in the whole wide world, he Beck and The Plumber often sit around on a couch and watch DVDs together late into the night. Beck said that the three were watching the 1980 film The Blues Brothers and were inspired by the scene where Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi drove around and talked through a giant speaker on top of their car.
"Suddenly Rush started beating Plumber on the back and saying that we could do that and then Plumber said "yeah. because we're on a mission from God, too!" and then Rush told him to shut up and not ruin everything and Plumber was all like, "Okay, jeez I'm sorry!" but you could tell he didn't mean it."
The trio said they hope by talking at people across America, they could instill an interest in free market principles, a strong foreign policy and belief in strong moral values. As an added benefit, they noted, some fringe lunatic loners might be inspired to go batshit crazy and do things that the three could later claim no responsibility for.
Arguing with critics who accused the GOP of not having 'a big tent', Limbaugh scoffed. Then he scoffed a little and eventually it became clear to everyone that all Limbaugh planned to do was scoff, so Beck jumped in and started talking.
"Of course we have a big tent . A really giagungus tent, actually. Our tent is big so we can be way over on one side and the queers and Mexican primitives and that Steele guy are way way over on the other side. Maybe sometimes we keep them outside the tent and maybe sometimes we venture out at night after we've had a few drinks and beat them up and then hope the people on our side of the tent acquit us...but it's still a tent of inclusion. You're not invited, by the way."