WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In a hastily called press conference, Sarah Palin - the Governor of Alaska and a key to Republican success in the 2008 Presidential election -- was today named as the United State's first "Humor Czar"; a newly created position in The Department Of Homeland Security. Palin, who is as well known for her intellect as her sense of humor, will be responsible for overseeing and approving all of America's "jokes, gags, satire, mirth, merriment, irony, one liners, bits, sketches and other humor related materials."
Humorists including David Letterman, Bill Maher, Jon Stewart, Steven Colbert, Will Ferrell, Adam McKay, Chris Rock, Will Durst, Andy Borowitz, Andy Cobb, Lee Camp, Whoopi Goldberg and Obama Girl could not be reached for comment as they were all being transported to Guantanamo Bay, newly rechristened "Budd Friedman's The Improv At Guantanamo Bay." Early reports are all expected to plead guilty on Palin's upcoming "Showtime At The Tribunal!" special and have asked supporters to please tip the waitresses, because they work hard out there.
At the news conference, Palin was flanked by comedians Larry The Cable Guy and Dennis Miller. Both expressed support for Palin and agreed comedy had gone 'too far' in a direction they called "un-funny, un-American and un-good." When asked by reporter Tommy Christopher about the ramifications of mass censorship, Mr. The Cable Guy replied, "Censorship? Git 'er done!". Most reporters chuckled, especially when Governor Palin glared at them with a wide, twisted grin on her face.
In a dramatic twist at the press conference, comic Dennis Miller caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror standing with Palin and Larry The Cable Guy. A look of sudden recognition came over his face before he grabbed a loaded revolver from a Secret Service agent, made a quick reference to 13th century French architect Jean de Chelles and then blew his own brains out. Palin roared with laughter.
Palin made a brief statement in which she said that jokes about rape clearly crossed a line, particularly since rape was so serious a crime that women should be required to pay for their own rape kits and should be forced to carry a pregnancy to term if they were raped. She said that it wasn't funny that Alaska's rate of rape and sexual assault were high above the national average and that it also wasn't humorous in any way that her promotion of 'abstinence only' sex education had resulted in her teenage daughter becoming an unwed teenage mother. Reporters sat quietly since none of this was, in fact, funny and Palin has recently banned irony.
Palin responded to questions about whether Letterman had unfairly exploited her children for publicity by throwing her baby with Down's syndrome at Helen Thomas's head, then pointing in another direction and screaming 'Socialist!' a high screechy voice.
When asked about her former running mate John McCain having made a joke in 1998 about Chelsea Clinton being 'ugly', Czarina Palin pointed out that jokes about the Clintons are funny. A nearly dead Dennis Miller agreed.
The announcement of Pain's new position was made by Governor Palin's husband, Todd. It's not clear if the Obama administration is aware of the appointment.
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