The Dodgeball Dilemma

In our family, the game of dodgeball has become a kind of moral and ethical template by which we judge people's character.

It all started with my nephew Collin at a family dinner. We were grilling him about a kid his age, someone we vaguely knew. "He's an OK guy," answered my nephew, thoughtfully chewing his burger. "But he cheats at dodgeball."

We got it. We all got it. Dodge ball, a game we all played in the summer, had become the arbiter of whether or not someone was a decent human being at their core, honest and ethical.

For those of you who don't know, the game of dodge ball has made a comeback. There are even college teams. It's kindler and gentler now and much more PC than when I was in middle school. You don't try to nail the chubby girl in the back row who eats paste or the kid with duct tape on his glasses who picks his nose.

Dodge ball is a process of elimination; a survival of the fittest. It begins with organized chaos as two teams square off with dozens of balls being hurled in the air. Unlike baseball or basketball, where all eyes are on the person who has the ball, dodge ball has dozens of balls all flying around at the same time with the goal of nicking any body part below the neck. If you get hit, you are out. Pure and simple. In the craziness of the first few minutes, it is often one person's word over another's. This means it is largely up to the individuals to police themselves.

There are those that get hit and try to get away with it. There are some who fight the call when challenged. Others give in and slyly slink off when called on the carpet. And then there are those who immediately come clean when they've been hit. Even when no one is watching, they pull themselves out of the game and onto the sidelines.

As a parent, I aspire to raise one of those kids. Oh, I'm well aware that cheating at dodgeball doesn't mean a kid is destined to a life of robbing banks, kiting checks or pulling the legs off flies. But I found it interesting that my own nephew had arrived at the dodgeball test on his own. I like the fact that one teen could identify a kind of touchstone to determine the stuff of which his peers were made.

I recently watched an R-rated movie with my daughter and two of her friends. It was mostly inappropriate humor but I made sure to ask both kids if this was OK with their parents. I was impressed when each girl wanted to call their mothers to double check.

When I commented to my daughter about how wonderful it was that her friends did this, she immediately jumped on me. "Mom, I have never seen an R-rated movie ever. And I would always ask you first," she huffed defensively. OK, she passed the dodgeball test on that one.

The dodge ball test may be one little marker, one silly way we can look at an element of a person's character. But cheating at dodge ball is just one of many small but critical transgressions I see today that we need to remain vigilant about when it comes to our kids. So many of life's little lessons are being lost in our haste to be "friends" with our kids, or unnaturally force our lives to be completely "kid-centric" (a term that makes the hairs on my forearm stand up).

By being afraid of drawing too many boundaries, we are letting slide a lot of opportunities to teach good old-fashioned citizenship and manners. Like the dodgeball test, we can all be judged by an aggregate of the little things; respect for the elderly, giving up your seat on the train, looking people in the eye, delivering a firm handshake. As parents, we get sick of nagging about these things, but in the end, their presence or absence tells us something about an individual. I have a warm spot in my heart for a young man who calls me Ma'am, even though it makes me sound like an ancient crone.

I want my children to understand that there are consequences for actions. That means we need to follow through with our threats, not make the hollow remarks I hear screamed at kids in the grocery store aisles.

There is a famous parenting story about a family traveling to Disney World. Maybe you know this one, although I wouldn't be surprised if it is an urban myth. Exasperated by the dreaded "when will we be there" question, the parents told the kids if they asked one more time, they wouldn¹t be able to go to Disney World. Legend has it when little Johnny broke the rule, they stuck to their guns. They had to. The miserable parents went to the park by themselves all day, hiring a sitter for the kids in the hotel room.

I know I sound just like the grandmas of a generation before, cluck-clucking at that hip-swivelin' rock'n'roll music. Or, heaven forbid, I sound like Tipper Gore sounded to me in the 80s about record lyrics, until I had my own kids and listened to some of the misogynist bondage rap stuff on the radio one day. I began to channel Tipper Gore that day, taking back everything I had ever muttered about her and freedom of speech.

When we lived in Phoenix in 1995, in the span of two weeks I left my wallet on top of my station wagon twice and drove away. Those were really exhausting days with two kids under four and a full-time home business. The second time it happened, I set the wallet on top of the car as I wrestled both kids into their car seats and then drove away. When I got home, I realized immediately what I had done and burst into tears.

Lo and behold, the phone rang a few hours later. A man had found the wallet and he lived 20 minutes away in what I knew to be a somewhat shady neighborhood. I was making bets that the money was gone and I was furious with myself because I had just been to the cash machine and withdrawn my bi-weekly budget. Planning on giving him some of the money in my wallet as a reward, I also stopped and bought a 12-pack of beer. I figured in his hood they could all have a little party.

When I rang his bell, clutching my two kids to me in the dark, the man who answered the door was in flowing robes, with a top knot of hair. I quickly reached into my limited knowledge of Eastern religions and dimly recognized that he was a Sikh. As I thrust the beer at him in gratitude, he practically jumped back in disgust. "We don't drink in our religion," he said. And my humiliation at my sanctimonious neighborhood profiling was complete. The wallet was intact, with every dollar accounted for.

One thing I knew for sure. If that man, the one who found my wallet on the asphalt of the grocery store parking lot, had been tagged out in dodgeball and nobody saw him? He would have quietly taken himself out to the sidelines. Can you say the same?

Comments

[dfwbanana]

Great post. There are a few fleeting comments from our kids that let us know we may not be screwing up the parent thing quite a much as we might think. As much as I wish their rooms were clean, all grades were As and sibling rivalry didn't exist, if we raise honest, decent, kind and caring adults, then we've done our job as parents. It seems that you're well on your way with your nephew and daughter. It's important that kids learn that character counts.

[QueenCeleste]

I loathed dodgeball. In fourth grade I was hit so hard in the leg I had to hold back tears. Fourth grade! The sport (and I use that term loosely) should be strictly voluntary.

And yes, I get that it's a metaphor. But it brought back painful memories of those awful days on the playground.

[splashy]

I hated dodge ball, and would actually get in front of thrown balls or just stand there until hit just to get OUT of the game, to sit on the sidelines and enjoy hanging out with friends while those that would attack each other battled it out. I was always younger and smaller than everyone else, so was often hurt in contact games like that.

To me, the competition was horrendous. I always preferred cooperation.

[JScott]

Wow the game has sure changed since I remember it-there was only 1 ball and it was a soft type of basketball so you didn't get hurt when you're are hit by it. When did it become this super competitive PC bloodsport anyway?

[albalovescholo]

brava!

a wonderful metaphor for life..although my middle-school years were spent in a Texas nightmare, and i have NO fond memories of dodgeball.

my recollections of this insidious torture-fest are all terrifying--and i was popular. when the p.e. teachers would say that they would only let you skip the brutality if you got hurt, i was confused. ALL strikes hurt. EVERY player was aiming to kill, and we all returned to class stinky (there was never enough time allotted to shower), red-eyed from crying, and covered in round or crescent-shaped waffle-patterned scarlet welts.

not only did i never cheat at dodge-ball by claiming i was not out, i reverse-cheated by claiming i was hit right away. it was a matter of self-preservation.

[splashy]

Me too! I was always younger and smaller by an virtue of when I was born and starting early because I was smart, so it was a very painful game for me. I would cut out as soon as possible.

[justfacefacts]

In our family, our motto remains:

DO THE RIGHT THING, no matter who is watching and ESPECIALLY if no one is watching but you.

[z1ricardo]

I appreciate the gentle refrain of all these postings, yet I wonder. I see signs everywhere of folks who have never learned, or have forgotten, the basic rules of civil conduct. Living on a country road and driving to town regularly, I see everyday folk like myself running stop signs, speeding, tailgating, and generally acting as if they own the right of way. What does that have to do with dodgeball? Well, I feel as if I'm a target every time I have to travel these courses. Frankly, I'm as worried about this seemingly generalized disdain for our laws of great and small consequence as I am about the upcoming generation's adoption of important moral guidelines. I think Jimmy Carter was right all those many decades ago.... remember?

[NBachers]

The Dodgeball image makes me think of a picture I've seen of George Bush playing Rugby at Yale. He's got the head of an opposing player in the crook of his arm, and Bush is delivering a punch to the face of the opposing player. Obviously, Bush does not pass the Dodgeball test. But we already knew that.

[Dangoodbar]

"A person's morals should never prevent them from doing what is right." Salvador Harridan, First Mayor of the Foundation. Isaac Asimov really.

My question is: what are the rules? Is the rule, you are out if an official calls you out or you are out if a ball touches you?

In high school football if running for a touchdown a kid steps on the out of bounds line unseen by the referee who 30 yards latter singles touchdown what should a kid do?

The reason this is important is that many in defense of the current rules are calling people hypocrites for wanting to change the rules while at the same time playing by the current rules. Rather, the line goes that a person who wants to change the rules should put themselves at a disadvantage by restricting their actions to the rules they want while allowing their competition to play by the rules that are.

This is most apparent in areas of campaign financing.

I respectfully suggest that in order to be able to change the rules you must first triumph under the rules that now exist. And you are less likely to triumph under the rules that now exist and put yourself in a position to change the rules to what they should be if you put yourself at a disadvantage by following the rules you want and not the rules that are.

Hence if the rule at dodge ball is that you are out when an official calls you out then I would want my own children to play by those rules even if they think the rule should be if touched by a ball you are out whether an official sees you or not.

The same is true for the high school football player. Because in the “PRO” or real world none of us would want our team to lose the Super Bowl or even just a regular game because a player tells the referee, “hay you missed the call and I stepped out of bounds on the 30 yard line.”

[nebulus]

Thanks for this post, Lee.
In 1985 when visiting my sister in Denver, she left her wallet on the car while I sat her child. I told her a man called saying he'd found it and would bring it over. She didn't believe it, cancelled all the cards (probably wise) and was drop-jawed when the fellow showed up an hour later, at her door, returning the wallet and all the money and cards.
I played dodgeball with my 4th and 5th grade students in the Bronx, but not in a circle. They lined up against a wall and had me throw at them (their choice). I was twenty feet away and had to aim below the waist. Those games brought out a great deal of laughter and joy, and some of the kids not known for agility or dexterity got high fives for winning (being the last one, and making me miss the last throw).
In the classroom, we had one basic rule: NO HUNTING. No one was allowed to try to diminish another, in any way. No interrupting. If someone shows the courage to speak, give them time to finish their thought, and give them time to re-think or re-phrase if necessary. It created a supportive atmosphere that automatically reduced the classroom management problems to nothing. 5th graders with reading skills ranging from pre-primer to 8th grade were working well together. I had 6 "special ed" kids, the valedictorian and the runner-up in one class, and it worked.

There IS a place for fairness and integrity, and it is in YOU. If you get hit, admit it. If you're being bullied or singled out for being different, you probably have to find another game, or find some others who will play the game a better way--such as, join together in passive resistance: cover your face, stand still and don't leave, even when you're hit. Take the fun out of it for the bullies.

[jeffhersh]

The above comments mostly miss the point of this column, which has nothing to do with dodgeball. The point is that we can assess the character of others by observing simple things, such as cheating at dodgeball, and that we help form our character (and that of our children) by ensuring that we maintain honesty, integrity and veracity in all activities, no matter how insignficant. Frankly, if the American public could watch our Presidential candidates play dodgeball instead of another special-interest debate, they may gain some insight that helps us elect leaders with better character.

[weaponsofmassdeception]

Don't forget the Five D's of Dodgeball!!

Dodge
Duck
Dip
Dive ... and
Dodge!!

(and don't cheat!)

[LightningJoe]

One thing I firmly believe, is that you are who you want to be. What you care about is who you are. Your concerns reflect your core self. If you don't feel it in your life, if there is too much psycho-flak in the way of experiencing your true self, then it's the flak that has to go, to become who you really are.

Turn off the TV first. EVERYTHING on television caters to brainless consumption and mindless non-life. Even -- no, especially -- when their "message" is about how lively and sexy and singular you are (while you are sexily tranced out on the couch with millions of other potato zombies). It's all very simply a lie. They don't want you to be out bungie-jumping off bridges, driving jeeps up mountains, exploring the world, or having fun. They want you right where you are, stuffing cheap snacks in your mouth while they stuff you with desires, for things you'll have to buy from them. This isn't cynicism talking, it's marketing 101.

A good part of the Sufis' spiritual life is about perceiving the ways desire subverts our inner needs, and finding ways to lessen its influence; because desires are the enemy of happiness. They pull a painted veil over what we really need, and make us think that we'll be happy when we get this, or when we get that, when all of already have what we most need: enough to get by on, and good things to do.

The man who called to return your wallet didn't, in a sense, need thanks at all, for what he did. He did it because doing the right thing was the only thing he could do, and the very source of fulfillment.

We are all fine flowers, and it's a shame to waste our minds and souls on the meaningless fluff of ephemera, when we can be pollenating the world with our goodness.

[LightningJoe]

We all have one person for sure, that we have to live with all our whole life long, and who'll be with us on the day we die. That person is ourself.

If you would choose to spend your life with a person your friends can't trust, a person who's always trying for the small, cheap advantage, rather than the big rewarding payoff, I feel sad for you, because you don't know what you are missing.

Imagine living with someone whose word can always be trusted; who can be counted on to consider others' needs to be at least as important as their own; who will do something about about those needs when they can, because they couldn't live with themselves if they didn't.

Now imagine that that person is yourself. If you can imagine that, you can do it. People CAN change, it's just that other people can't change them. They have to want it and do it for themselves. Children, of course, need to be shown that there is a higher choice to make. They still have to want it, but if their parents and other models show them how good it can be, they will want it.

[JonathanDS2U]

I don't think you tell us the actual ages of your kids, and that matters. Because if a 17- year old (or even a 16- or a 15-year old) is expected to feel shame for watching an R-rated movie without their parents' permission, then I wonder whether shame isn't just being twisted into a device to enforce the will of someone on an authority trip.

There are a many shades of gray in how an adult should approach his role in contributing to the forming of the persona of a young person. When we engage in using moral terms to define conduct in young people, we can generate something that becomes part of their self-image. A child may not always be smart enough to know when he is being shamed without just cause. Boundaries are good, and so is the granting of a margin for error.