The Sky Mall Trap

How have I done it? How have I lived without Sky Mall in my life? You know, the magazine in the seat pocket in front of you when you get on an airplane?

My friend Sherrie and I were flying back from a vacation with our kids. Unable to read our books or truly relax with the young ones, we pulled out the Sky Mall catalogue as a last ditch entertainment option. That's when we both spotted them. The things that we suddenly realized we needed.

What first caught my eye was the Giddyup! Core Exerciser. Shaped like a saddle, it uses dual motors to simulate horse back riding, "causing your muscles to involuntarily contract and relax as you balance to stay up right" in the very comfort of your living room. This sounded like a thinly veiled housewife's dream, especially when her husband was out of town. But if I want to be bucked out of my chair at home, all I have to do is sit still and four kids and one husband will come and try to throw me with a hundred requests. I don't need an electric saddle for that one.

I don't have a cat, but I felt a sudden hankering for one when I saw the luxury cat litter box designed as a Tuscan earthenware pot with a fake plant coming out the top. There is no surer way to entertain guests at your next living room cocktail party than to have a cat walk out of a faux planter trap door.

The Rolling Luggage Cart and Desk struck me as a wonderful tool for anyone traveling through the airport that is suddenly seized with the need to whip out a desk and make a few notes. For $160.00, I learned, it easily stows in the overhead compartment.

Every time I flew, after that first revelatory trip, I usually noticed a bored-looking man across the aisle, lazily thumbing through a Sky Mall catalogue, daydreaming, I imagined, about what gadget he might find to make life even easier. Who were these men? And why did they not seem to have anything else to do on a four-hour plane ride?

I had size 2T clothes still sitting in my seven-years-olds closet that I hadn't had time to properly weed through. I had books I wanted to read and sleep to catch up on. I had gossip magazines to devour so I could be in the know about important current events, like Britney's custody issues or Brad Pitt's marital discourse. There were belated birthday cards and unanswered emails. My nails needed caring for and I hadn't written in my children's journals for over a year.

What was it that drew people to search the pages for objects they didn't know they were missing? How many birthday and anniversary presents had been bought for wives and girlfriends on these plane rides, the 800 numbers being frantically dialed the minute the wheels touched down.

Shortly after our trip a package came from Sky Mall. Sherrie had sent me the instant living room, a giant mesh and polyester screened in room that all folded down to a portable cylinder.

Of course once we opened it, it was impossible to refold without an advanced degree in trigonometry. After its very first use, however, one of the ribs broke, and it flapped like a broken bat wing, beyond repair. Giggling like a third grader during the church sermon, I plotted my retaliation.

I ordered Sherrie an around-the-corner listening device, complete with giant dish and headphones. Two weeks later I received some cylindrical bra protectors for the washing machine -- frankly, somewhat practical if I remembered to use them.

From then on, it was all-out war. We stopped wasting our hard-earned money on the actual objects, but soon learned when one or the other had traveled because a clipped out item would arrive in an envelope. I was sure Sherrie couldn't live without the Solar Powered Talking Bible that fit in the palm of the hand and covered both the New AND Old Testament. She seemed to think my life was incomplete without the home paper towel dispenser that evenly rotated a vertical paper towel with a wave of the hand. Hallelujah! My kids would no longer have to work to rip off a paper towel. They could use battery power to do it and not even break a sweat.

Now surely the Sky Mall industry is keeping basement inventors and entrepreneurs in business. And far be it from me to criticize red-blooded American innovation and commerce, but the Sky Mall catalogue seems to me to be a lot of what's wrong with America.

We are a nation that loves "stuff." Gadget driven and ever seeking the object that will make our life that much more enhanced, we are filling our lives and houses with crap. I have never used the ice cream maker in my closet in the shape of a ball you are supposed to toss back and forth to mix, or the portable upholstery cleaner I knew I couldn't live without. How about the giant, chip and dip container built into one shape that seemed like such a great idea in the store, but is so big that it's stored somewhere I never remember to look when I'm entertaining.

When will any of us learn? These are the things in my house that eventually break down, end up in the neighbor's tag sale, or worse, some landfill somewhere. I recently found parts for the electric nose hair trimmer I thought would make such a great Christmas gift for the man who has everything. Or how about the inner ear light we own, with the pictures long ago lost in the brochure of exactly what a novice is looking for with a kid's ear infection. It all looks red when you shine the light in.

This is America, so the more stuff we have, the better we must feel about ourselves. Now I'm not preaching that we return to the days of foraging for our food on the prairie or churning butter and chopping wood for heat. I'm perfectly happy that I have working plumbing and a dishwasher, all off the amenities that lighten the drudgery of housework. But I think I can live without a Harry Potter and Hermione Granger magic wand with illuminating tip. My husband may not be quite as cool at his tailgate parties without the 12-gauge steel framed swinging hammock chairs that attach on the back of a pick-up for extra hanging to "party in comfort and style." I reckon he'll just have to make his friends jealous in other ways.

I had to admit that my next dinner party just might be a tad better if I bought the talking wireless belt-clip monitor that announced, out loud, when the entree was cooked to perfection. From up to 300 feet away in fact. But I've made peace with all that.

I learned an age-old lesson when our family moved to London in 2000. As the town house we were moving to was 1/3 the size of our house in the Washington suburbs, we put a huge chunk of our possessions in storage. When we moved back to the NY area two years later, I was baffled and dismayed when the storage truck pulled up. Where had half of this crap come from and would I have even missed it if the storage facility had burned to the ground?

As a brand new bride, my husband and I had headed to Beijing, China in 1988, two days after our wedding. We left every single wedding present and possession behind, save for two backpacks and some clothing as we headed to our Peace Corps-quality dorm room with no potable water and jungle toilets down the hall.

At first I mourned the Calphalon pans and the gorgeous bone china with the gold rims that had accumulated in the months before my nuptials. But a month or so into life with my new husband, I realized I didn't really miss the "things" at all. Everything I had of value was sleeping right next to me on the makeshift Chinese dorm bed. I know I would mourn the videotapes and the photo albums if we (God forbid) had a house fire now; the piece of furniture from my grandmother or the desk that had been in Bob's family. But the only precious possessions that really matter are my four children and one husband. As long as they made it out of the burning building, I would still have my home.

A note came the other day from Sherrie with a page ripped out of Sky Mall. She had thoughtfully enclosed the photo of the "Million-Germ Eliminating Travel Toothbrush Sanitizer, something that looked easy to pack, but was probably kind of like clearing a beach one spoonful of sand at a time. I knew from high school biology that the mouth had more germs inside than you could ever "shake a stick at." That sanitizer wouldn't stand a chance.

But it was Sherrie's breezy note that made me laugh. "I just wanted you to know that I looked through Sky Mall on the plane this weekend and sadly, I think you have everything now." One way or the other, Sky Mall had entered my life.

Comments

[splashy]

Hey! Maybe you, and the rest of us, should join the Church of Stop Shopping, run by the Reverend Billy! That would slow down the corporatists that are trying to run things into the ground.

Great article. I have come to the same conclusion that stuff is not the important thing in life.

[llozano]

Right after 9/11 President Bush said that we should continue on as always and to go shopping. I still don't understand that logic and I hope I never do. As someone who can say that I am a recovered shop-a-holic I can testify to the futility of using objects to fulfill me or validate me. It just does not work. I am in my mid 50's now and even though not quite ready to retire I have come to enjoy a much simpler life and get more satistfaction from using my little wealth to help improve the lives of others. I don't want to die with a lot of stuff that will only end up in a garage sale or the junk pile. I would rather my family remember me for the person I was not for the things I had.

[NABNYC]

Yeah, I like all those cooking gadgets. The ones where you just drop in an onion, a tomato, some jalapenos, voila, instant salsa. Or throw some other stuff in, push the button and whirr it, then nuke it: instant home-made soup. I love watching people do that stuff.

The omelette pan, where you can omelettes for the masses. Or pancakes or waffles. Or even some kind of fried dessert-type cake?

But the fact is I don't cook that much. I have a few knives and I've always managed to get the onion chopped. My salsa comes in plastic jars. It is "fresh" - fresh from the grocer. Tastes good enough to me.

I hope your husband is doing better.

[janmB]

When we downsize in living space we learn to live without a lot of "things " And we are surprised when we don't miss them.

[Robert59]

Like you, What did it for me wasn't Sky Mall but living overseas and having to move every two to three years. I remember seeing the inside of a friend's closet and what few things he had in it. Consumption for its own sake wasn't something people focused on. The would rather be out eating and drinking and laying on the beach or playing volleyball, fishing.

I saw it again when I went remote and again lived in a dorm (nice dorm mind you as it was E-9 dorm). I used my full allowance and within weeks I'm giving things away, piles of clothes to soldiers convalescing at Landstuhl who didn't have civvies.

It was nice to downsize and now I'm looking forward to doing it again. The big house I dreamed of I have and now can't wait to get rid of. As for home ownership I no longer want anything to do with it. Give me a nice apartment any day of the week, something small, low maintenance, easy to keep tidy and when I've got wanderlust finish up my lease and move on.

People, not things, are what's important. Nice article.

[Aunt Shecky]

You know, Ms Woodruff's topic is not as trivial as it may initially seem (in light of ending the war, as some commenters have said): in fact, the "Sky Mall Trap" goes right to the heart of what may be wrong with our culture. Man, I love this country, but we have our priorities so screwed up! I personally would enjoy a nice flight -- by looking out the window at the most beautiful landscape on earth-- but it seems that some Americans can't bear the thought of spending a couple of hours without BUYING something! These are items few of us really "need," and they're all destined to become garage sale fodder, because only those who follow the trend of building monstrous houses has that much storage space.
Whatever happened to the concept of individualism and the virtue of simplicity? Our secular saint, Thoreau, must be turning in his grave.

[justfacefacts]

We've been well taught our only value is as consumers. We grow nothing, make nothing, do nothing but shuffle pieces of financial paper. Our economy reflects our place in a world where we are merely the 'host' while the ticks greedily suck the life out of us. Recovery begins with thinking and shoving that nifty thermometer in places that get results.

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

Sky Mall magazine: For people in Coach who wish they were in First Class.

[tbone99]

Hey - it takes my mind off the the fact that I can't move 2 inches in either direction, I have 8 inches in front of me in which to breathe air that's been recycled for decades, getting to and in the bathroom requires a gymnastics background and the offerings to drink are fructose or petroleum.
I've always studied Skymall avidly as an anthropologist examines strange artifacts from unfathomable civilizations ... I've come to conclude they fear germs,seek to camoflage everything & worship Tuscany.I think their number system is based on .99

[blahblah123]

I'm from Australia and I recently travelled to the US. On my flight over I saw the skymall magazine and started looking through it. I was rolling around on my seat laughing at some of the junk that was in it. Only a country of 300 million rich people could possibly create a demand for something like it.

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

Nobody buys the stuff. Advertisers make the magazine work economically. Every page is, in effect, an ad.

[OldSkeptic]

For the sake of your heirs please stop buying this junk. My late wife, a most beautiful & loving person, was a gadget & gizmo buyer. Add in her collections & after her death (ovarian cancer) I was confronted with what do do with all that stuff.

Let's just say I held a very eclectic yard sale.

Ended up throwing a lot out. I couldn't even give some things away. It's been almost 3 years now & I still find gizmos & gadgets stashed in closets not frequently used.

So when you think of buying this stuff PLEASE think of whoever will have do deal with all of it when you finally depart.

[Badenia]

I worked as a retail sales manager for many years, mostly in housewares departments. During that time I had a nightmare - people had everything they needed.... and I was out of a job....
Around Christmas time, sandwich makers, George Foreman Grills etc made customers stand in line for hours. The chocolate fountain probably made it on the garage shelf faster than all the other stuff...
At the cashmere sweater table in the men's store I overheard 2 women trying to find a color their relative didn't own yet....
Just picture what would happen on Wall Street if America would not buy for one day...
We have TV-shows uncluttering homes!!!!!!!

I call it the Chinese revenge....

[Veronica]

Dude, those "bra bags" for the washing machine are a must--Why drop $50 on the latest "technological breakthrough" by Victoria's Secret only to have it end up a lumpy piece of shit? And, really, who takes the time to hand-wash a bra?

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

Bob Woodruff suffers a TBI covering the Iraqupation, and Lee Woodruff writes about... Sky Mall.

Gives a whole new meaning to Movin On.

Yo, Woodruffs! Use that bully pulpit to help end the war!

[lbarnett]

It seems to me that pomposity is your religion.

Do you personally obsess about the war 24/7?

Ever go to a movie?
Read fiction?
Laugh?

If you answer "Yes" to any of those questions, you should be ashamed of yourself.

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

Guilty as charged, Occifer. First offense. At least the first time I've ever been called pompous. Opinionated? Often.

No. But always amazed my fellow Amurkins are so complacent.

Yes. Most recently, The Brave One. B-.

No. Unless you count Whiteout House transcripts.

Yes. Every day.

I should be ashamed of myself for going to the movies or laughing? Whatevah.

But enough about me. Let's talk about you. Did you get into psychoanalysis before or after your service as one of New Yahk's Finest?

[ike39]

I've seen a Sky Mall type book entitled: Sky Maul. It's a howl. Author is the Kasper Hauser Comedy Group. ISBN: 139780312357474. Some people have actually tried to buy some of the stuff in the book!

[luziannagirl]

Dawlishgal, do you think sometimes lonely people surround themselves with way too much stuff because each new purchase seems like another layer of insulation between them and death? As if they can buy their way to safety and happiness and meaning? I purchase, therefore I live?

Stuffaholics seem to be more about making lots of little purchases rather than a few big ones.

[CornellRedneck]

Luziannagirl, you'll never see a hearse pulling a UHaul.