Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 2, Episode 9 of HBO's "Girls" titled "On All Fours."
Nine episodes in, I think it's fair to say that what started off as a lighthearted season has become full-on sad and disturbing. Sure, there was the starfish sex -- no one loved that -- and critics cried blasphemy when Hannah holed up with the uber-attractive Joshua in his brownstone for a few days.
Whether it was the level of dysfunction each character hit or the abundance of upsetting scenes packed into 30 minutes, "On All Fours" somehow took "Girls" to a new level. Due to the absence of Jessa, see how three of the girls and one of the boys ranked on the togetherness scale in "On All Fours."
Hannah:
Hannah's not OK. She's really not OK. Not only is she still counting to eight (yes, "Girls" viewers, she did pick that wedgie eight times), but she's physically harming herself.
She's finally gotten somewhere on her e-book, but the episode opens with Hannah meeting with her editor -- who is odd and downright mean, as all the "adults" of "Girls" seem to be -- and he doesn't give her the most constructive criticism.
"These pages, hun. I have to admit I didn't finish them, but it's not because I didn't have time, it's because I didn't want to," he says. "Hannah, did your hymen grow back?"
Hannah heads home, where she attempts to improve her book, only to get a splinter in her ass. She manages to remove it, but somehow this traumatizing experience leads her to shoving a Q-tip aggressively into her ear eight times.
Minutes later, she's on the phone with her parents in tears. She tells them she has to go to the hospital because of the damage she's done to her ear, and they ask her who's going with her.
"Any one of my very close 12 to 15 friends!" she says sarcastically, which leads us to the startling realization that Hannah doesn't have friends anymore. She hasn't dated anyone in a couple of episodes, her relationship with Marnie is shot, and Adam isn't even stalking her. Hannah is very, very alone.
After a trip to the ER, in which a doctor angrily suggests she frame the bloody Q-tip he yanked out of her ear (again with the mean adults!), Hannah wanders toward home, where she finds Adam standing outside a bar.
She tells her sad and upsetting Q-tip tale, and Adam calls her "kid," which makes her swoon with nostalgia. He then tells her to go home and put some pants on. Yeah, Hannah somehow made it to the ER and back without pants. Sounds about right.
Overall Togetherness: 2. Because at least we now have proof that she's writing.
Shoshanna:
Shoshanna cheated on Ray with a doorman last episode, and her transgression is seeping into her every action. She's wrapping Ray up in pink peace sign-covered snuggies, offering him tea and Splenda and showering him with both love and anger.
But through it all, her hairstyles never fail to impress. This time she has a sock bun plastered to the side of head, and she's getting to know some super cool people at Charlie's MAU party -- his app reached 20,000 Monthly Average Users -- which she calls "AMUs," and no one has the heart to correct her.
"Restaurants are like, I guess they're like my passion," a guy tells the enthusiastic Shohanna, who is likely thinking about how different he is from Taco Date Ray. "Going out to dinner is just part of who I am."
After watching her flirt with multiple guys, including Charlie, Ray finally asks her what's going on. "I'm really sorry and it didn't mean anything, but I held the doorman's hand," she lies. Ray laughs, tells her he loves her and asks if she wants to be with him. She insists she does. Here's to hoping that's the truth.
Overall Togetherness: 6
Marnie:
Desperate to maintain some kind of relationship with Charlie while pursuing her (recent) dream of being a singer, we see Marnie angrily march into Charlie's office where she spews venom his way for forgetting about their lunch date.
Attempting to pacify her, Charlie invites her to his MAU milestone celebration party, which turns out to be a giant mistake.
You see, Marnie has been working on her singing career a lot lately. She downloaded Garage Band, and is determined to deliver the performance of a lifetime at Charlie's party. With a smile plastered on her perfect face, Marnie pauses Santigold's "Girls" to perform a soulful cover of Kanye West's "Stronger." It sounds like a Kidz Bop commercial.
Horrified, Charlie yanks her into his office where he tells her she's "flailing" and "needs to get her shit together" -- always a great thing to hear from an ex-boyfriend -- and then proceeds to have sex with her on his desk.
Charlie may have taken a step in the wrong direction with that desk sex, but he's right about one thing: Marnie really, really needs to get her shit together.
Overall Togetherness: 0
Adam:
In the beginning of "On All Fours," Adam seemed to be getting it together. He's dating the beautiful Natalia, who he was introduced to by her mother, a friend from AA. She's really into him and even decides she wants to have sex with him because he's been "really nice all week." Even better, she wants to introduce him to her friends!
The problem is, Natalia is from a different world than Adam. Her guy friends are sports fans, and her girlfriends are the type that run with Shoshanna's crowd. "I'm sorry, he has the face of an old-timey criminal," Natalia's friend tells her, to which she replies that she thinks he looks like Peter Pan.
Becoming increasingly uncomfortable, Adam decides to dabble in a little bit of alcohol, which he hasn't done in years. Surprise surprise, there's a reason Adam stopped drinking. When they get back to his apartment, he pulls a "50 Shades Of Grey" on Natalia and tells her to "get on all fours" and crawl to his bedroom.
But unlike Anastasia, Natalia is completely disgusted. She disapprovingly tells him the sex they proceed to have was terrible, and he apologizes ... but if she has any self-respect, this is likely the last we'll see of the beautiful Natalia.
It looks like Adam will have some explaining to do at AA next week.
Overall Togetherness: 4
"Girls" airs on Sundays at 9 p.m. ET on HBO.
