Note: Do not read on if you have not seen Season 1, Episode 4 of Fox's "The Mindy Project," titled "Halloween."
Ah, the classic Halloween episode. While Episode 4 of "The Mindy Project" could have been been destroyed by lame pranks and office costume contests, Mindy and the rest of the gang put their own spin on October 31st with creativity, inappropriate costumes and a lot of sweating.
"Halloween" opens with Mindy (Mindy Kaling) sitting in a coffee shop at 8 a.m. with her new nerdy love interest Josh, who invites her to a Halloween party. As she contemplates whether she wants to spend the night with him in her first few minutes at the office, she runs into her ex-boyfriend Tom (Bill Hader). They exchange a few kind words -- although Tom does admit he's recorded most of their conversation in case she threatens him -- and Mindy immediately logs on to what appears to be his Facebook page with her coworkers only to find out ... Tom's wife is pregnant.
Mindy immediately decides she needs to go to Josh's aforementioned Halloween party and goes in search of the perfect costume.
Meanwhile, over in Long Island, Danny (Chris Messina) and Jeremy (Ed Weeks) are on a mission to get their driver's licenses, a few decades too late. Jeremy passes immediately, and Danny passes the second time around with a little coaxing from Jeremy and a lot of profuse sweating. Plus, it doesn't hurt that Jeremy has a knack for wooing the test proctor.
Back in Manhattan, Mindy still hasn't settled on a costume after nixing Morgan's suggestion that she go as a urinal ... among other things. After a random cat climbs in her window and tries to be her pet, Mindy decides she needs to make a change and ends up at Josh's door a few hours later dressed as Diane from "Cheers." And in case you were wondering, he totally digs it.
But as usual, what made this episode so great was its whip-smart dialogue. Relive the most memorable lines of "Halloween" below.
Arguably offensive lines:
Josh to Mindy, on a Halloween party he's inviting her to: "It's a hot ticket. Last year I took a model."
Josh to Mindy, as he's scrolling through his phone and noting how many girls are named Caitlin: "Well, you'd be surprised. It was a very popular name in 1987."
Mindy, emerging in dreads and a drab dress: "[I'm] Lil Wayne On The Prairie!"
Mindy, after lovingly petting a cat who climbed through her window: "Ew, who the hell are you? ... Ugh, get out of here, you gross cat!"
Mindy, on why Gwen's daughter should go trick-or-treating in her building: "This Ethiopian lady in my building is handing out Doro Wat. It's like this chicken stew with eggs in it, kids love it."
Mindy to Gwen's daughter Riley: "'Hewo?' Really? You're in 1st grade now, how about 'hello?'"
Jeremy, on why Danny passed his driver's test the second time around: "I told her you were molested in a car which is why the test is so difficult for you."
Morgan, as he helps Mindy decide on a costume: "Number one sexiest female organ: The butt. Number two sexiest female organ: The brain. The badonkadonk and the bathinkathink.
Mindy to Josh, when he mentions he brought a model to last year's Halloween party: "Well lucky for you, I was featured in my college admissions brochure holding a test tube."
Danny, on why he's sweating so much: "I was just using the ab roller in there. I have abs of steel ... it's still warm, the handles are probably really wet."
Tom to Mindy: "I was recording this conversation in case you threatened me, but now I'm gonna stop."
Mindy, on why she needs a funny Halloween costume: "I'm like that cool, witty girl who kinda like kills it in bed, you know?"
Betsy, looking through the box of costumes Morgan brought in: "A condom, a butt, a tampon, Ace Ventura ... sperms?"
Jeremy, on Danny's "passion": "When your favorite sub sandwich shop closed, I heard weeping from outside your door."
Out of context and amazing one-liners:
"Back then, I was kinda messed up. And I think I was like a little bit drunk too at the wedding..."
"Don't say anything about 'Breaking Bad!' I haven't seen Season 5 yet!"
"If you're obsessed with TV, why don't you keep up with it in a timely way?!"
"It's so weird being my own role model. You know, I recommend it."
"I gotta see a picture of this Tom. Every time I imagine you making love, I just imagine you climbing up on a giant question mark."
"He didn't tell me because he feels sorry for me because I'm a pathetic spinster with no prospects!"
"She was in a really good place like two minutes ago."
"What I really need you to do is to take these scissors and cut a cleavage hole in my crayon costume."
"Kinda not great, this random loser cat tried to be my pet."
"Cute like we can skip the party and move this conversation to the memory foam?"
"The Mindy Project" airs on Tuesdays at 9:30 p.m. ET on Fox.