More From America's Worst Mom: 9-Year-Old On The Subway, Continued

Posted April 10, 2008 | 11:43 PM (EST)



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If you've ever wondered what it's like to be at the epicenter of a media storm - one that has labeled you an irresponsible parent (at best) -- let me tell you:

A lot of creeps find your e-mail.

Last week I wrote a column for my newspaper, The New York Sun, titled, "Why I Let My 9-Year-Old Ride The Subway." It basically said that I let him do this because he wanted to take a trip solo, he knew how to read the map, and I had every confidence that he could find his way home.

Two days later, said son and I found ourselves on the Today Show, MSNBC and FoxNews, trying to convince anchor after anchor after anchor that:

1) This was not a crazy idea - as they could see from the fact the kid was sitting there, grinning. And

2) I am not a crazy mom, as they could see from...

Well, that's the point. Not all of them could see. The mere fact that I'd let my son out of my sight made me seem nuts to more than a few people, who wondered why didn't I follow him, or keep checking in with a cell phone, or wait until he was 34 and balding before I let him go out on his own.

A poll on the NBC website asked whether any other viewers would let their kids do this amazingly dangerous thing - a thing that was normal behavior just a generation ago, when kids were allowed out the door without a security detail -- and 51% said no. Another 20% were on the fence. That left about a third on my side.

Wow. Remember back in the '70s (I'm sure you don't, you young web thing, you), when Soviet dissidents were thrown into insane asylums? They were protesting the Communist State and the rationale against them was: Since they couldn't possibly bring down the great and glorious USSR, they must be completely insane to even try.

I was beginning to feel like one of those dissidents.

My vision of the world, especially childrearing, turns out to be starkly at odds with the mainstream one, which believes that the world (especially New York) is chock-a-block with extras from "Saw III."

In a world like that, the idea of letting a child ride a bike, or hop on public transportation before, say, age 12, becomes "irresponsible," bordering on criminal. What's considered sane, meantime, is for us to guard our kids as if we've just heard of a prison break.

Which, in a way, we have. Turn on the TV most any day and you will hear something so scary that...you keep the TV turned on. That's the point. TV scares you so you'll stay tuned in. Then you're too scared to go out. So you stay home. You watch more TV and guess what? Something horrible happened somewhere, details at 11!

Okay, so it happened several time zones away and the station has been flogging this same awful story for three months. Does it occur to most viewers that a crime like this must be pretty rare, if the station has to talk about one as far away as, say, Portugal? Or Aruba?

No! The details are so wrenching that now you're NEVER going out and if your child wants to - forget it!

I met a guy at a party last week who makes his daughter phone home after walking one block to her friend's house. And he's in a suburb. The leafy kind! Two parents told me they won't let their kids walk to the mail box. There's too much "opportunity" for them to get snatched. Other parents told me that they'd love to let their kids start going out on their own - at maybe 13, or 14. Until then...

In they stay. Or they're driven around by their parents.

The fact that a child is literally forty times more likely to die in a car accident than at a stranger's hands makes no difference. Driving is seen as safe. Freedom - once a right of childhood -- is seen as suicidal.

I could go on and on about how safe New York City is (136th in crime among all large U.S. cities). And I could say that what my son did is something a whole lot of other city kids do daily, their mothers are just smart enough not to write about it. I could even add that, believe it or not, I'm a safety fanatic when it comes to helmets and seatbelts. And, of course, I could -- and will -- put in a plug for my new blog, Free Range Kids, a haven for folks who want to give their kids a longer leash.

But here's what I've learned from all the folks who don't want to do that, and send bile-filled notes instead: For some reason we live in a society that sees little difference between letting a child frolic in the front yard and letting a child frolic in front of a firing squad. It's impossible for people to calculate the difference between real and remote risks.

The dissident in me is now ready to start talking about something else, because it's no fun to be treated as insane by society when you're not.

Actually, it's probably no fun to be treated as insane even when you are. But that's for another day. Meantime, stay safe (enough).

 

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Sure we heard the occasional horror story of some kid getting snatched but our parents actually taught us what to do to try to prevent that. They didn't live in constant fear they let us go out , let us live, and let us learn. Parents in todays age need to understand that the monsters they want to protect their kids from aren't lurking in the shadows of subways or in dark alleys waiting for some poor unsuspecting kid to come by. These monsters are more likely to get your kids in your own home while your actually there! These predators have a new form of baiting your kids, the internet, its all around us; cell phones, psp's, xbox , pda's you name it. How many parents sat there judging this women as a bad parent while their kids where surfing the net in the other room thinking " oh my son/daughter is safe their at home with me" . Those "safe kids" are more likely to end up being snared by those monsters they are also the ones who most likely will grow up not being able to do anything on their own they've never had to do anything on their own so why should they? Given how sheltered todays youth is it impressing me that this womens son knows how to read a map, it also shows me she is doing something right.

My hats off to you mam

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 10:39 AM on 04/15/2008

I rarely find a story i feel the need to comment on however this one caught my eye , and not in a bad way. I completely support what this women did, she did nothing wrong and many parents could learn a thing or two from her. I too remember a day and age when children went out and did things without their cell phones ringing every ten seconds as their worried mother/father checking on them. As a kid I went out bright and early as a kid and i didn't reappear until it was dark and time for dinner, and i was never alone i had a group of other poor mistreated children with me. I call them poor and mistreated because surely they had to be since they weren't under their watchful eye and protection of their parents.

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 10:39 AM on 04/15/2008

I find it strange that parents are becoming increasingly protective and paranoid as New York continues to get safer. New York was a lot more dangerous 20 years ago, but as a child I (and my peers) had considerably more freedom than children in the city today.

I have to think it has something to do with the proliferation of sensationalized news, particularly the non-stop 24-hour cable news stations that feed on horrific (if unlikely) scenarios to fill the time and capture viewers' attention.

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 03:47 PM on 04/14/2008

One of the challenges of parenting is that each child is different. You don't always get a replica of yourself (I could do that at his age, what's wrong?)...or of your friends' kids (but all the other kids want to do that). You get the child you get and you need to accept that child as an individual.

I have no doubt that many of us rode or walked around easily on our own at age 9 or younger and were fine. Others may have had to do so, but were uncomfortable/scared. Still others chafed at not being allowed to do so when we felt we were ready. Each parent has to make that call for their own kid, based on knowledge of past experience and what the individual child can handle.

It is very unhelpful when someone imposes their own experience or personality and makes a "universal truism" with regard to other people. My daughter is very verbal (but I don't assume there is something "wrong" with kids who don't talk 24/7/365). My daughter walked at 9 months...but I don't "blame" parents whose kids walked at 15 months. My kid is slow to warm up to people. And, I am often told it is my fault. It is hard not to be defensive about this. We each have to learn to trust our own judgment and the situation and take it from there. And not to be so critical.

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 10:04 AM on 04/13/2008

I just stopped my 10-year-old son and a neighbor kid from shooting each other with Airsoft guns, but when I was a kid, my friends and I used to shoot each other with BB guns (much more dangerous, for those unfamiliar). My parents never even knew about it until I told them ... 20 years after the fact.

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 05:41 PM on 04/12/2008

Long term this is an ominous trend for another reason: Scared, insecure kids tend to grow up into scared, insecure adults, who in this country gravitate towards ... you guessed it! ... the Republican Party, whose tough-talking politicians appeal to the afraid and the emotionally imbalanced.

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 03:01 PM on 04/12/2008

I bet if most adult americans were polled, they would be afraid to ride the NY subway by themselves. To our own detriment, we have become a fearful people. Muslims and subways and bears, oh my.

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 12:54 PM on 04/12/2008

Well, I join you in your parenting objectives - give the kids the best tools to work with, and trust that they trust you enough to know what's best for your family situation.

When we bought a home quite a few miles from my son's school - the quandry was whether to switch in the middle of the school year, or figure out a transportation that would get him to his old school each day safely...

Well, there he went - I'd drop him off at the bus stop on my way to work, and he would then take 2 separate busses to his school. That meant he had a hold-over of about 15 minutes between transfers.

He'd take along a snack and had my contact information with him. There were no cell-phones then.

Every school day for 6 months, this young 9 year-old trooper made his way amongst the barely awake commuters - rain or shine.

Let's just say he is one very independent 25 year old today - always comfortable in his skin with whoever or where ever he is. He was responsible, and enjoyed the 'cutting of the apron strings'.

Each one is different. Thank goodness!

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 10:12 AM on 04/12/2008

When I lived in Boston in the 80's, alot of school kids rode the trollies every day back and forth to school.

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 07:42 AM on 04/12/2008

At risk of a flaming...here I go....

I'm a NY mom, while I agree with you that it's critical to give kids freedom to master their surroundings independently I can't agree with letting all 9 year old boys take the subway by themselves as a recurring habit.

-subways have a serious groper problem, young girls know this. They take the subway in groups. I've even been groped on the subway a few times.

-NY DOES have a population of pedophiles, the convicted ones have to ride the subway as many of them aren't the most gainfully employed or moneyed after such a conviction. This is one lottery I wouldn't want my 9 year old participating in.

-Platform pushers. That rare but wacky breed who occasionally pop up when no one expects it.

-The atmosphere in subways is strained. It just is. Blame it on the media, war on terror, whatever, everyone watches everyone. While this theoretically makes a child safer, it also puts them in a position to be self conscious. It's gotta be weird.

-NY'ers are amazing. They will go to town to protect each other, especially a child. That's what makes it a great city. I've seen several kids in my travels over the years so you're not unique but every kid is different, you may have a 9 year old who looks and acts like he's 13, who knows, I still would caution any parent against this as a general practice.

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 10:17 PM on 04/11/2008

kids who are overprotected are the ones who'll be suckers for scams when they grow up -- they're the ones who'll believe everything government says -- the ones who'll buy stocks at the top & sell at the bottom -- who'll fall for that gold-digging woman or that two-timing man

you're looking great, lenore

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 09:12 PM on 04/11/2008

Agreed! How can they learn how to trust or not if they are never exposed to anyone. The old warning given to children not to talk to strangers has been replaced by the advice that children SHOULD talk to strangers. It helps them develop a sense of what folks are like and better their understanding of who might be safe and who might not be.

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 10:45 PM on 04/11/2008

I am so glad you wrote this entry. Why is the U.S. the most fear-mongering country in the world? Does it go back to when the first Europeans waded ashore & had to dodge arrows from the Native Americans? Is it punitive Christian fire-and-brimstone paranoia? Is it media obsession with 1 in 1,000,000 occurrences that make for sensational promo's & profits ? I wonder. Sure there are bad things that happen, but I think encouraging a child to develop smart independence is crucial, incisive parenting. I bet he loved it. He's not the only 9 yr old riding into the city from Ozone Park or Jamaica Center. I think you smartly & effectively balanced the risk of something bad happening vs. something good and the odds of being struck by lightning or being hit by a meteor or far greater than the odds of something far seedier or sensational happening. Good for you and your son. You all are not crazy or deficient.

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 08:35 PM on 04/11/2008

For what it's worth, when I was nine, I used to ride the subway by myself from Brooklyn to Carnegie Hall three times a week to go to ballet class.

On the other hand, if I arrived home from school -- which was less than a mile away -- a few minutes late because I'd stopped to talk to a friend, my aunt would be waiting at the door in tears, convinced I'd been abducted by the "sex maniac" (the grown-ups' word for "bogeyman") who was supposedly always loose somewhere in our neighborhood.

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 04:44 PM on 04/11/2008

I would bet you that most of the people who have a problem with what you did are not people who are single parents who are working jobs where they don't have a choice and their children have been catching buses and subways long before your 9 year old. You do what's right for your family. They don't know your child. You know what he is capable of and you aren't standing in his way. Good for you. Everyone else needs to leave their Ivory Towers and see what so many others of us see daily.

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 04:20 PM on 04/11/2008

I also wondered how many of these self-rightous indiginate mothers hire domestic workers? Do they expect these workers to put in twelve hours day even though these people might have an hour commute one way? Of course they expect these people to do these twelve hours for very little in the way of salaries. Do these snob and hypocritic mothers ever wonder how the "help's" children get to and from school? I seriously doubt it. Of course they don't only children with parents of the same class as themselves are worthy of concern.

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 07:52 AM on 04/12/2008

this whole incident actually shows how Americans in general and parents in particluar live in fear. this fear goes way beyond any rational view of the odds of having something happen. this goes a long way to explain why even the Brits and Canadians think we've taken the fear of terrorism since 9/11 way too far.

seems like it is just the american way to worry beyond belief about something that's NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. there are far fewer abductions today than there were 30 years ago. but you'd never know it.

I grew up outside detroit and I used to take the bus downtown from Grosse Pointe at about the same age. This was Detroit in the 80's!! murder city.

who knows why all of this is- but it must have something to do with our extreme form of capitalism, and of course our child worship society.

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 04:15 PM on 04/11/2008

I am a father of two in NYC. My oldest, ten, attends public school, and after fourth grade (age 9-10) students are allowed to leave school at the end of the day unattended. This seems obvious but, if it's allowed by law then why would anyone have a problem.

When I was a kid I had to walk three miles in the snow to smoke pot and have sex.

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 04:11 PM on 04/11/2008

Hey decibelJONES!

RE: When I was a kid I had to walk three miles in the snow to smoke pot and have sex

Very funny!

And it was up hill both ways, right?

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 01:53 PM on 04/12/2008

And no shoes! Don't forget the lack of shoes!

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 05:33 PM on 04/13/2008

The reason you got so much heat is because of the "helicopter parent" syndrome. Heck we have adult children whose parents call their supervisors if they get a bad work performance review. They dare not let their kids take a subway alone. These are the same parents who give their kids unlimited and unsupervised access to the internet. You would think in all their wisdom they would know that the pervert in the bushes is actual Johnnyboy13 on Myspace!

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 04:09 PM on 04/11/2008

Good for you! The media has us all scared of our own shadows. I might not have been quite as gutsy as you when my daughter was 9 . . . I didn't let her walk the six blocks to the neighborhood park by herself until she was 12. And I still got flak for it!

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 03:54 PM on 04/11/2008

Rock on, girlfriend. I let my kids ride their bikes uptown!

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 03:12 PM on 04/11/2008

It is just a right of passage for a New York City kid. We all did that and right around the same age. My first ride was on the late and still lamented 3rd Ave el. (I tell any more and my age will be, you know..)

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 02:42 PM on 04/11/2008

Too much TV. I can't even trust the Weather Channel, although it's hard to resist tuning in before I go out. Problem is, I'm always hot under all mylayers of foul-weather gear, carryng an umbrella I don't need and fearful of the irreducible unknown. That's because the most basic message of TV is: stay home! Watch me! The world is a scary dangerous evil place filled with criminals, you jnow, the sort of frightening folks you see all over TV!

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 02:30 PM on 04/11/2008

You are a great mom. Your son will be a strong, smart, resurceful guy who can take care of himself.
Many other kids will be so sheltered and paranoid, their lives will be dull and uneventful.

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 01:46 PM on 04/11/2008

I thought most kids in NYC caught the bus or rode the subway without their parents. That certainly is the case here in DC where most kids walk to school or take public transportation--even as young as 9--- as the city certainly doesn't provide transportation except for the other abled.

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 01:45 PM on 04/11/2008

a lot of those kids with all the freedom in the 70s are still dealing with buried feelings of insecurity, abandonment and fear--which probably accounts for all the angry emails you've been getting-- you're now everybody's surrogate mom!
who's to judge, It all depends on the kid, but it's probably more damaging to make your kid a mascot for your new website and drag him around on your press junkets.

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 01:40 PM on 04/11/2008

As opposed to the kids of the 60s, and 50s, and 40s, and 30s, and 20s, and 10s, etc..... Kids have ALWAYS been allowed to go out and explore. It's only been in the last 20-30 years that people have become so fearful that they keep their kids practically locked up for fear that SOMETHING might happen to them!

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 02:05 PM on 04/11/2008

When I was a kid back in the 70s my mom let my brother and I roam the town with zero supervision, zero cell phones, no monitoring. We went anywhere and everywhere, into the markets, to the beach, through all the neighborhoods, exploring, both together with friends, and each by himself. And we were living in a foreign country thousands of miles from the USA. Thank god she gave us that freedom. NOTE TO PARENTS: without freedom to explore, children do not have the chance to develop free will and to individuate - free the children!!!!!

favoriteFavorite Flag as abusive Posted 12:54 PM on 04/11/2008
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