If you've ever wondered what it's like to be at the epicenter of a media storm - one that has labeled you an irresponsible parent (at best) -- let me tell you:
A lot of creeps find your e-mail.
Last week I wrote a column for my newspaper, The New York Sun, titled, "Why I Let My 9-Year-Old Ride The Subway." It basically said that I let him do this because he wanted to take a trip solo, he knew how to read the map, and I had every confidence that he could find his way home.
Two days later, said son and I found ourselves on the Today Show, MSNBC and FoxNews, trying to convince anchor after anchor after anchor that:
1) This was not a crazy idea - as they could see from the fact the kid was sitting there, grinning. And
2) I am not a crazy mom, as they could see from...
Well, that's the point. Not all of them could see. The mere fact that I'd let my son out of my sight made me seem nuts to more than a few people, who wondered why didn't I follow him, or keep checking in with a cell phone, or wait until he was 34 and balding before I let him go out on his own.
A poll on the NBC website asked whether any other viewers would let their kids do this amazingly dangerous thing - a thing that was normal behavior just a generation ago, when kids were allowed out the door without a security detail -- and 51% said no. Another 20% were on the fence. That left about a third on my side.
Wow. Remember back in the '70s (I'm sure you don't, you young web thing, you), when Soviet dissidents were thrown into insane asylums? They were protesting the Communist State and the rationale against them was: Since they couldn't possibly bring down the great and glorious USSR, they must be completely insane to even try.
I was beginning to feel like one of those dissidents.
My vision of the world, especially childrearing, turns out to be starkly at odds with the mainstream one, which believes that the world (especially New York) is chock-a-block with extras from "Saw III."
In a world like that, the idea of letting a child ride a bike, or hop on public transportation before, say, age 12, becomes "irresponsible," bordering on criminal. What's considered sane, meantime, is for us to guard our kids as if we've just heard of a prison break.
Which, in a way, we have. Turn on the TV most any day and you will hear something so scary that...you keep the TV turned on. That's the point. TV scares you so you'll stay tuned in. Then you're too scared to go out. So you stay home. You watch more TV and guess what? Something horrible happened somewhere, details at 11!
Okay, so it happened several time zones away and the station has been flogging this same awful story for three months. Does it occur to most viewers that a crime like this must be pretty rare, if the station has to talk about one as far away as, say, Portugal? Or Aruba?
No! The details are so wrenching that now you're NEVER going out and if your child wants to - forget it!
I met a guy at a party last week who makes his daughter phone home after walking one block to her friend's house. And he's in a suburb. The leafy kind! Two parents told me they won't let their kids walk to the mail box. There's too much "opportunity" for them to get snatched. Other parents told me that they'd love to let their kids start going out on their own - at maybe 13, or 14. Until then...
In they stay. Or they're driven around by their parents.
The fact that a child is literally forty times more likely to die in a car accident than at a stranger's hands makes no difference. Driving is seen as safe. Freedom - once a right of childhood -- is seen as suicidal.
I could go on and on about how safe New York City is (136th in crime among all large U.S. cities). And I could say that what my son did is something a whole lot of other city kids do daily, their mothers are just smart enough not to write about it. I could even add that, believe it or not, I'm a safety fanatic when it comes to helmets and seatbelts. And, of course, I could -- and will -- put in a plug for my new blog, Free Range Kids, a haven for folks who want to give their kids a longer leash.
But here's what I've learned from all the folks who don't want to do that, and send bile-filled notes instead: For some reason we live in a society that sees little difference between letting a child frolic in the front yard and letting a child frolic in front of a firing squad. It's impossible for people to calculate the difference between real and remote risks.
The dissident in me is now ready to start talking about something else, because it's no fun to be treated as insane by society when you're not.
Actually, it's probably no fun to be treated as insane even when you are. But that's for another day. Meantime, stay safe (enough).
My hats off to you mam
I have to think it has something to do with the proliferation of sensationalized news, particularly the non-stop 24-hour cable news stations that feed on horrific (if unlikely) scenarios to fill the time and capture viewers' attention.
I have no doubt that many of us rode or walked around easily on our own at age 9 or younger and were fine. Others may have had to do so, but were uncomfortable/scared. Still others chafed at not being allowed to do so when we felt we were ready. Each parent has to make that call for their own kid, based on knowledge of past experience and what the individual child can handle.
It is very unhelpful when someone imposes their own experience or personality and makes a "universal truism" with regard to other people. My daughter is very verbal (but I don't assume there is something "wrong" with kids who don't talk 24/7/365). My daughter walked at 9 months...but I don't "blame" parents whose kids walked at 15 months. My kid is slow to warm up to people. And, I am often told it is my fault. It is hard not to be defensive about this. We each have to learn to trust our own judgment and the situation and take it from there. And not to be so critical.
When we bought a home quite a few miles from my son's school - the quandry was whether to switch in the middle of the school year, or figure out a transportation that would get him to his old school each day safely...
Well, there he went - I'd drop him off at the bus stop on my way to work, and he would then take 2 separate busses to his school. That meant he had a hold-over of about 15 minutes between transfers.
He'd take along a snack and had my contact information with him. There were no cell-phones then.
Every school day for 6 months, this young 9 year-old trooper made his way amongst the barely awake commuters - rain or shine.
Let's just say he is one very independent 25 year old today - always comfortable in his skin with whoever or where ever he is. He was responsible, and enjoyed the 'cutting of the apron strings'.
Each one is different. Thank goodness!
I'm a NY mom, while I agree with you that it's critical to give kids freedom to master their surroundings independently I can't agree with letting all 9 year old boys take the subway by themselves as a recurring habit.
-subways have a serious groper problem, young girls know this. They take the subway in groups. I've even been groped on the subway a few times.
-NY DOES have a population of pedophiles, the convicted ones have to ride the subway as many of them aren't the most gainfully employed or moneyed after such a conviction. This is one lottery I wouldn't want my 9 year old participating in.
-Platform pushers. That rare but wacky breed who occasionally pop up when no one expects it.
-The atmosphere in subways is strained. It just is. Blame it on the media, war on terror, whatever, everyone watches everyone. While this theoretically makes a child safer, it also puts them in a position to be self conscious. It's gotta be weird.
-NY'ers are amazing. They will go to town to protect each other, especially a child. That's what makes it a great city. I've seen several kids in my travels over the years so you're not unique but every kid is different, you may have a 9 year old who looks and acts like he's 13, who knows, I still would caution any parent against this as a general practice.
you're looking great, lenore
seems like it is just the american way to worry beyond belief about something that's NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. there are far fewer abductions today than there were 30 years ago. but you'd never know it.
I grew up outside detroit and I used to take the bus downtown from Grosse Pointe at about the same age. This was Detroit in the 80's!! murder city.
who knows why all of this is- but it must have something to do with our extreme form of capitalism, and of course our child worship society.
When I was a kid I had to walk three miles in the snow to smoke pot and have sex.
RE: When I was a kid I had to walk three miles in the snow to smoke pot and have sex
Very funny!
And it was up hill both ways, right?