As in the rest of the world, these are not such sunny days on Sesame Street. Bert is furious that Ernie insisted they finally buy their place in 2005 -- at what turned out to be the peak of the market. The Cookie Monster has been hit hard by rising food costs and is ranting about the ethanol program pushing up the price of grain. And Elmo? He's... not the same.
"Tickle me?" he was heard mumbling to himself as he lay in the gutter in front of Mr. Hooper's store. "How about 'Kick Me Elmo'? Or maybe, 'Shoot Me.' That's good. Yeah. Or how about, 'Screw Me Royally and Make Me Work Till I'm 97 Because There Went My Entire 401K Elmo.' Kids will love that. That'll sell at Christmas. Hic."
Unbeknownst to his financial handlers -- even his arm, eye and body handlers -- Elmo had plowed his entire plush toy profits into credit derivatives via a hedge fund recommended by Big Bird (who has been missing for a week).
Only Oscar the Grouch seems to have escaped the current crisis unscathed, for reasons that are, in retrospect, obvious: He avoided the real estate bubble by residing in a garbage can. He never overextended himself by buying... anything. And, most significantly, he kept his assets liquid. Just like the fruit rotting in the bottom of his can.
That's why whenever you see Oscar these days, he's a new man with a new tune. Feel free to sing along.
"I Love Cash:
The the tune of Oscar the Grouch's "I Love Trash."
Oh I love cash!
Anything silver and solid and shiny
Anything precious and pure, not sub-primey
Oh I love cash!
I stuffed all my quarters inside of a sock
It's lumpy and bumpy and hard as a rock
But I wouldn't trade it for Fannie Mae stock!
I love it because it's cash.
Oh I love cash!
Anything silver and solid and shiny
Anything precious and pure, not sub-primey
Oh I love cash!
I keep all my dollars tucked under my bed
I could use a bank but I like this instead
My bed doesn't need any help from the Fed!
So that's where I stash my cash.
Oh I love cash!
Anything silver and solid and shiny
Anything precious and pure, not sub-primey
Oh I love cash!
I once found a penny right next to my chair
I could have bought Lehman, I could have bought Bear
My piggybank got it, I'm glad it's still there!
I love it because it's cash!
Oh I love cash!
Anything silver and solid and shiny
Anything precious and pure, not sub-primey
Oh I love, I love, I love cash!