"Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it." George Santayana
Santayana's warning could apply equally to personal history, like a divorce. Yet despite this, past statistics have shown that in the U.S., 50 percent of first marriages, 67 percent of second, and 73 percent of third marriages end in divorce. What are the reasons for this progressive increase in divorce rates?
Theories abound. One common explanation is that a significant number of people enter a second or third marriage "on the rebound" of a first or second divorce. Often the people concerned are vulnerable; they do not allow sufficient time to recover from their divorce or to get their priorities straight before taking their vows again. They enter their next marriage for the wrong reasons, not having internalized the lessons of their past experience. They are liable to repeat their mistakes, making them susceptible to similar conflicts, and another broken marriage follows.
Clearly that one factor alone does not account for such high rates of second and third failed marriages. There are some individuals in second and third marriages who consider divorce manageable and not necessarily a tragedy. They have handled it once, so they will handle it again. They may even recognize the warning signs earlier than they did first time around and are quicker to react, more determined to minimize the agony.
The growing independence between genders is thought to be one of the reasons for the significant increase in divorce rates of first marriages during recent decades. Women have become more financially independent and men have become increasingly more domestically independent. As these gender roles break down, each gender becomes more self sufficient in both arenas. When these individuals move on to a second or third marriage, they are likely to feel a responsibility to protect themselves emotionally and financially. It is therefore reasonable to assume that the greater economic and domestic self sufficiency gained with age adversely affects second and third marriage even more than it does first marriages.
However, I believe that the prime factor affecting the breakup of second and third marriages is that there is less glue holding the marriage together: children and family. Parent-child relationships can be a source of conflict in some marriages, but overall children act as a stabilizing factor and when children are absent, the marriage is prone to be rocked by minor storms.
Because the great majority of children born to married couples are born during their first marriage and before parents turn 35, most couples in a second marriage do not have common children to bind them together. Conversely, not having shared responsibility for kids means it's easier to leave when you are going through a rough patch. Perhaps "for the sake of the kids" is not reason enough to stay together, though it can sometimes save a relationship.
In addition, because the couple does not have children in common, the element of family is not as central in second and third marriages. Consequently, the desire to "preserve the family" is not a strong presence. For the couple, there is less at stake in allowing the marriage to collapse. This reduced importance of the family in second and third marriages may also explain why the couples concerned are said to be less "committed" than those in first marriages.
Ironically, the presence of children in second and third marriages, if they are from previous marriages, can cause problems and lead to tension. Having to adjust to your spouse's children and his/her relationship with them is often difficult for couples. Inevitably, rivalries and arguments arise, making this a constant area of conflict. In these cases, the children can be a destabilizing factor in a second or third marriage.
Generally speaking, relationships become increasingly tangled and complicated with subsequent marriages, as more and more individuals join the ever-expanding family. On a day-to-day level, maintaining those relationships is not easy and frequently generates animosities all around.
Clearly there are many people who learn the lessons of their first divorce and move on to happy, long second marriages. But all the evidence suggests that it gets harder and harder to keep the show on the road as you move onto the next marriage. It is this trend that is reflected in recent divorce statistics.
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If people do not stop and think about why they got divorced in the first place and keep making the same errors, it is not hard to see why some get married 4 or 5 times.
The second is if the relationship is based on adultery. Lets face it men and women...You've got ill-gotten gains. Oh, don't get me wrong, there are many who do make it work, but most of them will honestly tell you, its through EXTRA hard work, because now they have to think..."He or she did this to his or her previous spouse, are they capable of doing that to me?"
I am 41 and never married. I prefer to be single than married and having to deal with a wife who is not about putting forth the effort and dedication that it takes to make a marriage work. I strongly believe in my vows and even cheating alone would not be a motive for me to divorce. And trust me on this, there is no such thing as a "No Fault" divorce.
My partner and I waited too long to get family therapy, but we finally did, and it saved our relationship. (We've been together 12 years - family therapy on and off for 7) I can't stress enough how important it is. A good therapist helps give perspective on how the divorce has effected the children, and how the new relationship is effecting them. It helps everything seem more manageable.
Deborah Moskovitch
Divorce Consultant and Educator
Author of The Smart Divorce
www.thesmartdivorce.com
Lol, I just see the irony in this article.
Really makes me feel...un-valued, but I understand this isn't a strong foundation for her relationship...so, I'm just going to sit back and watch. I've already tried to warn her once about what shes doing, because I still care...but she won't listen. I have to watch her fall, which is going to be painful to watch, even considering what she did.
Anyhow, I've always wondered, if you took couples who already have children out of the equation, what are the divorce rates for second or third marriages?
I have a feeling people such as my ex husband do get divorced at a much higher rate.
Also, people are more likely to get divorced if they marry when they are young and divorces usually happen in the first few years, so I don't think being older is making people get divorced more.
It amazes me that bloggers who take the time to sit down and spin these fanciful theories don't spend five minutes doing an Internet search to find out from reliable, authoritative sources what the facts are. All you have to do is Google your term and add "site:*.gov" to make sure you're finding a government source. Or go to Google Scholar and look for peer-reviewed research, the highest standard we have.
This is a classic example of why the vast majority of blogs are not much more than information pollution.
"Why are remarriages less stable? First, remarriages include persons who have already proven that they can divorce; they may be more accepting of divorce as a solution and more ready to have recourse to it a second time. Second, spouses in remarriages may be less willing to compromise and may become disenchanted more rapidly. Third, there are fewer norms that guide these relationships, making it more difficult for the spouses to feel secure within their respective roles. Fourth, the structure itself of remarriage is a more complex one when children are brought in along with ex-spouses and ex-in-laws. Indeed, remarriages without children from previous unions or only with children born to the union have a rate of divorce equivalent to that of first marriages (Glossop, 2002).”
This is found on page 12 of “Divorce: Facts, Causes & Consequences,” by Dr. Anne-Marie Ambert, York University, (3rd Edition, 2009). http://thefamilywatch.org/doc/doc-0073-es.pdf
It looks to me after reading this and a couple of other studies, that interference from kids is likely the biggest reason for short later marriages.
In case you wonder why, the first marrige ended in divorce.
That's why Elizabeth Taylor was married 8 times
Mickey Rooney? Married 8 times.
The Gabor Sisters were married a combined 20+ times.
Gabor's mother was married 12 times
Unless that first marriage does not go the distance because either husband/wife died suddenly, then that second marriage can work.