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Hi-Ho, the Glamorous Life

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It is not often that I get or take a real vacation. The summer of '13 is different. However, there are thoughts and questions that have arisen as a result of having too much time to think.

At the Airport
Why is my gate always at the end of the terminal?

Did you know that there is a web site devoted to informing the public as to whether or not the baggage carousel goes clock or counter-clockwise? You will have to find it yourself as I am still on vacation.

It seems to be a rule that if I buy a new piece of luggage, half of the passengers on my flight will be looking for the exact same one at baggage claim.

Why is it that the U.S is one of the few countries that charges for those carts to put your luggage on?

Since there are now fees for each bag, one should not have to tip the porter.

On the plane
Is there really anyone who does not know how to fasten a seat belt?

If you are seated next to Lynn Harrell, you will not get your frequent flier miles.

The airlines can boast about flat beds all they want. These never go all the way down.

Do not delay the take off because someone can't run from their late plane and get to mine on time.

Never watch a movie that features an airplane crash.

You do not have to tip the pilots for the long distance taxi ride.

At the Hotel
How hard is it to understand that Do Not Disturb means exactly that?

Make the Room Service button on the phone the largest of all. And get rid of that ridiculous red light. It keeps me up at night.

It costs almost as much to sign up for the Internet in your room as it does for the room itself. And while we are on it, please Adobe Acrobat Reader; get it right the first time.

The showers in all hotels should work the same way. For some, you need a degree in advanced physics to figure out how to turn the damn thing on.

Housekeeping should know if they made up the room or not.

Although one should always tip the bellman that brings up the bags, you do not have to when he returns with the one he forgot the first time.

At the Restaurant
If it only takes up one page, do not bring a separate wine list.

It is not necessary for me to know anything about the waiter, especially why they left their ex-partner and moved to work in the restaurant.

When dining al fresco, always assume that the birds can get to your toast faster than you.

Who started putting cucumbers in drinking water and why?

Dictionaries should be provided to define all the new food terms that crop up each season. I am still trying to figure out ganache.

The sign says that waiters must wash their hands before handling food. Perhaps the same should apply to the cooks.

Since the Maitre'D now looks at a computer screen to see where you are seated and then turns everything over to someone else, there is no need for a twenty-dollar bill to be slipped into his or her hand.

In Conclusion
Travel safely and enjoy yourself but if I am asleep, do not open until Christmas.