How to Live on $0 a Day: Assuaging Rage, One Prick at a Time

If you've lived your life believing that hard work, ethics, observing the golden rule and fiscal responsibility will be rewarded, you're probably a little ticked off right now. Okay, you're probably roiling with rage (especially if you stopped taking your anti-depressants because your insurance company canceled you for being depressed).

A lot of that anger comes from a sense of betrayal and helplessness at seeing people who broke every law of decency living high on the hog while the rest of us are hard pressed to afford a swine flu shot (if we could find one).

The logical recourse is to seek justice. You've appealed to their non-existent sense of decency. You've written your elected officials, attorney general, chamber of commerce and better business bureau. Clearly, you can't afford a lawyer. Crank calls and Internet heckling bring no relief. And while sending offenders cat poop in the mail is satisfying, the postage is costly--there are no bulk media rates for mass poop mailings (which REALLY pisses you off). And try as you might, you can't seem to get your friends interested in storming Wall Street or the Capitol because pitchforks are too expensive.

If you're quivering with rage just thinking about it, it's time to take action. I've discovered a way to calm my ire and achieve a semblance of inner peace without costly aids like therapists, tranquilizers, a masseuse or weapons.

Whether your anger is directed at a TARP recipient harassing you for an overdue $69, a vile CEO, pundit or politician, someone who screwed you over, the neighbor's dog, or the waiter who lied when he told you the chef's special chicken was all white meat, my methods ensure that all bad behavior is met with swift and decisive punishment (finally!). I can't tell you how much better you'll feel. Here's how it works:

 

Comments

[bibimimi]

What, no Kate Gosselin?!

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

I considered the Gosselins, but I just couldn't summon the proper rage for them...too many people ahead of them on my list.

[kassandranobody]

YES YES YES
I had a similar idea- taking portraits of some of the same people projecting them on to a screen and letting people throw shoes at them

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

NIce! Maybe we should open up a "house of rage" with voodoo dolls, shoe throwing, pin the tail on the Bush, etc. It could be bigger than Disneyland!

[Laurie Thompson]

I love the concept articulated in the article but I am not sure that it will actually do any good, other than to create a fleeting moment of good feeling. I think we should fight back against the corporate criminals who masquarade as banks and credit card companies by hitting them where it hurts, i.e., their bottom line. Remember they need to sell their services to us. If we do not choose to bank with the corporate criminal known as bank of america for example, it will cease to exist. I think a more effective way to beat these criminals is to boycott them. I suggest that we start with one bank and one credit card company and organize a boycot through on line organizations like this. If we can bombard our congress with millions of calls about healthcare or whatever the issue of the moment is, certainly we can use our numbers to drive a few of these corporate criminals out of business. After we successfully drive the first ones out of business we can start on the others, unless they see the light and start treating the consumer with some respect.

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

Hi Laurie,
I was going for that fleeting moment of good feeling since everything else I've tried doesn't work. I'd love fight back. But I'm coming to the conclusion that the only way to enact meaningful reform is to reform the campaign finance laws, which can't be reformed until we get new politicians in office. Catch 22. But I'm still chewing on it. I was thinking along the lines of organizing a massive default on the credit card companies and we won't pay until they reduce their fees and interest rates to a fair and reasonable rate...NOW. Or maybe forming a lobby for citizens?

[pbarr]

How does this explain at all how to live on $0 a day? What a disappointing read.

[kibblenbits]

I'm making my own voodoo doll and I'm wondering whether I should use flame retardant material or not. I plan on holding Cheney and Rummy's feet to the fire and am torn between the desire to see them go up in flames and my environmental responsibility to recycle one doll and keep putting different faces on it. Any advice?

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

I totally understand the satisfaction of watching the object of your rage smoldering down into shapeless embers and then ash that can be swept away. For me, the ecological implications are too great. I recycle. On the plus side of using a flame retardant doll, they suffer longer. Only you can decide whether the ecological implications are worth it.

[WomanInOrangeSweater]

I’m not really full of rage. But objectively speaking, there are some people you forgot to add: Michael Steele, Sean Hannity, Donald Trump, Lou Dobbs, Ann Coulter, Condi Rice, Jon and Kate Gosselin, my ex-husband, Comcast, my third grade teacher, the waiter who coughed on my food, the freaking idiot who kept kicking my chair on the godd^mn flight from Cincinatti to Portland, the neighbor who has his leaf blower going 18 hours a day, the sonofab^tch squirrel who eats the flowers in my window box, the tile I keep stubbing my toe on, Steven McDonald for never calling me back, the b^tch who cut in front of me in line at Albertsons, the old goat who didn’t thank me when I gave him the prime parking spot at Trader Joe’s which was rightfully mine, the sonofab^ch who keeps stealing my newspaper, Victoria's Secret (they just p^ss me off), Larry Upton for giving me crabs in college, the selfish dirtbag who didn't clean up after their godd^mm dog this morning and I freaking stepped in it while I was wearing my good flipflops and now they're ruined and I can't afford a new pair because the godd^mm banks and freaking insurance companies have bled me dry and no matter how hard I work, I'll never be able to catch up and i ran out of my lexapro two months ago and I've had a splitting headache for the past three weeks and I really need to lie down.

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

It takes a rare person to be as serene and anger-free as you appear to be. But just in case, maybe you should have a voodoo doll and some really sharp pins on hand just in case you find yourself on the brink of needing one. Actually, now that I think about it, maybe you should steer clear of the pins.

[gloriousbeing]

Brilliant!

[HST]

I ran out of pins and I can't afford to buy new ones...

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

BBQ skewers, toothpicks, thumb tacs, exact-o knives all work too. If you're really hard up, find a community bulletin board and take the pins/tacs. And lets not forget the damage you can inflict with a match or two.

[frichickie]

I would like to give my voodoo dolls the swine flu shot.

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

Make sure you don't give the shot to your Goldman Sachs dolls, since they've already had one. Waste not want not.

[CaScientist]

"Whether your anger is directed at a TARP recipient harassing you for an overdue $69"

This made me laugh hysterically. True story, I have a small credit account from a local funiture retailer that happens to be serviced by AIG. They changed my billing cycle without notice, rendering my electronic payment late and incurring a whole $10 in late fees. They have been calling non-stop, 5-7 times a day for the last week....over 10 friggin dollars! The outsourced labor costs for calling me that many times easily surpassed $10 in the first day....what in the h-e-double-hockey-sticks are these people thinking?

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

I know all too well what a true story it is. If I could get back half the fees those people have extracted over the years, I'd probably have a nice villa in France by now. I think they're thinking "hey, we can get away with it, why not?" And they do. Now excuse me while I stick more pins in my Citibank doll.

[hypnotoad72]

No, we elected politicians other than the usual phonies. That is the beauty of our system.

And hatred is not profitable.

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

If hatred weren't profitable, wouldn't Rush Limbaugh be broke and unemployed?

[schatsie]

sad but true

[parlimentMike]

Those other politicians we elected are the phonies. At least the people we turned partially out were up front about corruptness. These new guys campaigned on change but are bribed into inaction by the same interests who supported the honest corruptness.

If you believe in Change after a Summer of Healthcare debate considering all the options from allowing the corporate interests to reap 100 Billion in extra revenue to letting the broken system remain, then you significantly easier to please than me.

Real change will not happen until we break the bribery cycle.

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

Seems to me (this week) that the only way to effect real change in our government is to reform our campaign finance laws. Which we can't do until we reform government Arghhhhh! Need more pins.

[isjois]

What a great post! You should continue to add "updates" from time to time.

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you. You have no idea how much enjoyed "writing" it. I think I'll do updates on my blog (link in my bio, can't link here). Feel free to make suggestions. I'm making a sean hannity doll right now.

[karmafriend]

Now where did I put my grandmother's big old hat pins?

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

Ahhh, those old hat pins are very gratifying. If you can't find your grandmother's pins, skewers work just as well..

[WeMustSpeakOut]

Skewers, thats it!
Pins just aren't rageful enough.

[ResoluteBob]

Oh, I'm so relieved. When I read the Title, I thought you were transferring your rage
into sexual obsession.....

[hypnotoad72]

And when that obsession turns into herpes or HIV, guess what transmogrifies back into rage?

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

Absolutely correct hypnotoad. And I've got the old voodoo dolls in my closet to prove it.

[nightcrush]

I wish I could afford acupuncture.

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

As it turns out, with my vast experience sticking pins into things, I'm considering becoming a licensed acupuncturist. I can give you a great deal.

[heavydrop]

This is the work of a genius. The funniest thing I've seen in years, Is there a Pulitzer for Blogs.

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks, heavydrop. I was kind of hoping for a Nobel inner peace prize. I'm under the impression a Nobel is much easier to win.