Huffpost Comedy
The Blog

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Lesley Stern Headshot

How to Live on $0 a Day: Assuaging Rage, One Prick at a Time

Posted: Updated:

If you've lived your life believing that hard work, ethics, observing the golden rule and fiscal responsibility will be rewarded, you're probably a little ticked off right now. Okay, you're probably roiling with rage (especially if you stopped taking your anti-depressants because your insurance company canceled you for being depressed).

A lot of that anger comes from a sense of betrayal and helplessness at seeing people who broke every law of decency living high on the hog while the rest of us are hard pressed to afford a swine flu shot (if we could find one).

The logical recourse is to seek justice. You've appealed to their non-existent sense of decency. You've written your elected officials, attorney general, chamber of commerce and better business bureau. Clearly, you can't afford a lawyer. Crank calls and Internet heckling bring no relief. And while sending offenders cat poop in the mail is satisfying, the postage is costly--there are no bulk media rates for mass poop mailings (which REALLY pisses you off). And try as you might, you can't seem to get your friends interested in storming Wall Street or the Capitol because pitchforks are too expensive.

If you're quivering with rage just thinking about it, it's time to take action. I've discovered a way to calm my ire and achieve a semblance of inner peace without costly aids like therapists, tranquilizers, a masseuse or weapons.

Whether your anger is directed at a TARP recipient harassing you for an overdue $69, a vile CEO, pundit or politician, someone who screwed you over, the neighbor's dog, or the waiter who lied when he told you the chef's special chicken was all white meat, my methods ensure that all bad behavior is met with swift and decisive punishment (finally!). I can't tell you how much better you'll feel. Here's how it works:

2009-11-09-vooddick2.JPEG 2009-11-09-voodjoelieberman.JPEG 2009-11-09-voodrush.JPEG

2009-11-09-voodtim.JPEG 2009-11-09-voodblankstein.JPEG 2009-11-09-voodmadoff.JPEG

2009-11-09-voodpalin.JPEG 2009-11-09-voodciti.JPEG 2009-11-09-voodoobinladen.JPEG

2009-11-09-voodballonboydad.JPEG 2009-11-09-voodbibi.JPEG 2009-11-09-vooddog.JPEG

2009-11-09-voodmurdoch.JPEG 2009-11-09-voodbernacke.JPEG 2009-11-09-voodoomcandvisa.JPEG

2009-11-09-voodprejean.JPEG 2009-11-09-voodpaulson.JPEG 2009-11-09-voodshedag.JPEG

2009-11-09-voodaetna.JPEG 2009-11-09-voodboehner.JPEG 2009-11-09-voodsummers.JPEG

2009-11-09-voodW.JPEG 2009-11-09-voodoobachman.JPEG 2009-11-09-voodwaiter.JPEG

2009-11-09-voodedwards.JPEG 2009-11-09-voodrealhousewife.JPEG 2009-11-09-voodoojosephjackson.JPEG

2009-11-09-voodooatt.JPEG 2009-11-09-voodkramer.JPEG 2009-11-09-voodoldlady.JPEG

2009-11-09-voodoomcandvisa.JPEG 2009-11-09-voodooty.JPEG 2009-11-09-voodoomicky.JPEG

2009-11-10-voodbeck.JPEG 2009-11-10-voodooann.JPEG 2009-11-10-voodookristol.JPEG

2009-11-10-voodoovikram.JPEG 2009-11-10-voodoonatalie.JPEG 2009-11-10-voodoolewis.JPEG

2009-11-09-voodcustomerservice.JPEG 2009-11-10-voodooimadinnerjacket.JPEG 2009-11-10-vooddr.phil.JPEG