Today, Madonna opened Hard Candy Fitness, the first of her new worldwide chain of fitness centers. The mega star greeted members herself, opening the doors to the 30,000-square-foot Mexico City club and even teaching a dance class for 20 hand-picked members as music by Paul Oakenfold, the DJ who opened her last tour, blared through the loudspeakers.
Seeing as how no Hard Candies are slated for the U.S. (future locations include Russia, Brazil, Argentina, Europe and Asia) I took the liberty of dreaming up the inner workings of the Material Girl's workout wonderland:
Like a Prayer Yoga Studio: Poses like this don't just happen by themselves. Downward dog your way to flexibility in the Ashtanga-centric studio, where Gwyneth Paltrow is rumored to stash her own mat and blocks. Sting may guest teach. Om Shanti, off Madonna's 1998 Ray of Light album, is expected to play in a continuous loop.
Erotica Hamstring Curl Machine: Eek out curl after curl while suggestively lying face-down on Hard Candy's hamstring curl machine (all weight-lifting equipment will be dangerously upholstered in studded black patent leather). Optional handcuffs keep you tightly gripping the steel handlebars.
Drowned World Tour Aqua Aerobics: Don't be scared off by the tongue-in-cheek name; lifeguards will be on duty 24/7, clad in chic one-piece cone bra bathing suits.
Die Another Day Cardio Wing: Sculpt rock star muscles in the hour-long, boot camp-style Deeper and Deeper Power Pump Class, where heavy weight reps and body weight moves like lunges and push-ups are interspersed with high-intensity cardios. Take a spin with an evening Burning Up Spin Class or a Jump guided jump rope session.
Like a Virgin Abductor Machine: The inner/outer thigh machine is like a giant kegel machine, allowing you to squeeze, squeeze, SQUEEZE your way tighter. Besides, it's impossible to sit in this thing and NOT like you're visiting the gynecologist, as your legs are forced open by the padded arms, so it needs a name that makes you feel a bit more demure.
Immaculate Collection Towel Collection Service: Madonna's locker room will keep you feeling clean and pampered. All mirrors will be equipped with a miraculous insta-airbrushing feature, shaving 10-20 years off your face like Dolce & Gabbana recently did in her ad campaign. Nab a cancer-free spray tan in the Ray of Light Sunless Tanning Studio.
Hardcore workout freaks, take heart: Madonna never misses a day of working out, and neither should you. Hard Candy will be open on all Holidays.